My Spidey sense is tingling....

I had never heard of Glenn Beck before this week, but apparently he is the go-to guy for extreme soundbites on the other side of the pond. His latest gem comes as Marvel reveals their new “Ultimate Fallout” comic starring Miles Morales, a half-black, half-Hispanic American teenager who is inspired to do good, spider style, after the death of Peter Parker. (Don’t worry, in another universe Parker is alive and well. You comic nerd.)

On his radio show, Beck said sarcastically “The new Spider-Man is really quite great, he looks just like President Obama.” 

He then went on to say “Do I care if he’s half Hispanic, all Hispanic? No. Half black? I don’t care. I really don’t care. Half gay, all gay? I don’t really care! It’s a stupid comic book.” (People protesting their “I don’t care” status always go on a bit, don’t they? I find it especially annoying when they say “I don’t care if someone’s black, white, or green with purple spots!” as if they’re being really accepting of races by likening other skin colours to alien life forms.)  

What was worrying Beck was that “I think a lot of this stuff is being done intentionally.....” Apparently concerned that a black Spiderman was part of a growing conspiracy, he recalled Michelle Obama saying “We’re going to have to change our traditions,” and decided “It’s strange how so much of this seems to all be happening.”

Oh, boo hoo. Did somebody use the wrong pencil to colour in your favourite fictional character? And yes, it is intentional.  Marvel’s editor in chief Axel Alonso announced “This was a conscious decision. Here at Marvel, we pride ourselves on reflecting the real world in all its diversity.” He also pointed out that a black character is not a publicity gimmick – “it's reflective of an industry keeping pace with modern society.”

This is exactly the kind of move that we need to “normalise” the skin colours which certain people apparently find so abhorrent. See my earlier post:

http://geniustoburn.blogspot.com/2011/04/wait-casual-racism-is-ok-now.html

Hurrah for Marvel comics!

RIP Amy

 14 September 1983 – 23 July 2011

                                      

Aged 27. Only 2 albums. What a waste for our generation’s Billie Holliday.

Families are funny (Part One)

 Pic courtesy of http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

"I was always fascinated by people who are considered completely normal, because I find them the weirdest of all." Johnny Depp

When you watch sitcoms, it seems that other people’s families are generally embroiled in complex webs of lies, constant pranks and practical jokes, and huge emotional drama. (Hey, you get all that in one episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, as well as a healthy dose of psychological insight into how numskulls operate.)

But how often do you see the kind of screwiness that really exists in your family? For instance, my family employs a number of silly voices and equally childish nicknames. I have never seen an episode of Frasier where he greets his father with “Good morning!” in a squeaky Bronx accent à la Betty Boop. (This happens to be the standard greeting for my parents.) My brother was called “Professor Klompi” for some time, after a letter came mistakenly addressing him as a professor. I think the “Klompi” part was something to do with the wooden stairs to his room in the attic.

I know I'm not alone in this weirdness. In fact, my family, with their daily quotes from Fawlty Towers, Only Fools and Horses and Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, seem quite normal. Some families verge into disturbingly weird – I know I keep banging on about www.etiquettehell.com  but you would not believe the kind of behaviour some families accept as normal! One such lark is when your  new mother-in-law asks you what you’re buying your husband for Christmas, then gets him the same thing. (Astonishingly common, this oedipal battle – but easily countered, I’d have thought, by telling her instead what YOU’D like. Simples.)

Sometimes disturbing and hilarious appear in the same person, such as Aunt Grace, the relative of a friend who shall remain nameless. Aunt Grace has the excuse of old age now, but she has always been... inventive. According to her, she once owned a pet horse that ate at the family dinner table. She also describes with relish the physical fights she had with her father, often culminating in her picking him up and throwing him bodily over a hedge. (She is 5’2, he was a strapping 6 footer.)

 This picture isn’t really relevant to what I’m saying but it does come from awkwardfamilyphotos.com and it makes me laugh.

    

Having kids is the great leveller, because let’s face it, kids are nutters and they bring out the weirdness in everyone. A friend of mine used to have her hair washed over the kitchen sink. She and her siblings hated this routine, so for some reason, her mother invented a character called The Crazy Operator, who would wash their hair, chatting away in a Swedish accent. (She was not Swedish, but the operator evidently was.)  

Hanging out with parents of small children means conversation will constantly be interrupted by such classic lines as “We don't lick strangers,” "Where did you leave your poo?" “Your willy doesnt go in there....” and “That's the dog's treat, not yours.” And my all time number one, heard in a public bathroom: "Yes you can be a crocodile if you want to, but be a crocodile who is doing a poo".

Parents are also famously embarrassing; my favourite story is of my friend’s father shouting "SHE JUST WOULDN'T LISTEN!!" when someone enquired about his wife’s black eye. Cue the bystander slowly backing away and the embarrassed wife hurrying to explain that she had actually hit her face on the counter.

You will be pleased to know that in my family, we keep a record of all the stupid things we say, it’s kind of http://www.overheardinnewyork.com (best website ever!) on a more personal scale. We call it “The Book” and have now reached our fourth volume. 

Sometimes the mere circumstances of a quote reveal our inner weirdness. For instance, I recently burned myself on a baking tray as I removed it from the oven. As I had started by saying “Ooh!” I followed it up with “Oo oo ah ah!” in the style of a monkey. Naturally, my mother joined in with this. Then she announced “It’s because of our past lives, as monkeys.” I might mention that she has been attending a Baptist church for the last 15 years.

More quotes to come soon...

RIP Peter Falk

   16^th September  1927 –  23^rd June 2011

The world has lost a great actor in Peter Falk, who by all accounts was a rather lovely person too. I’ve always had a particular fondness for his most popular character, Columbo. I’m sure you know his MO – the bumbling detective would lure his suspects into a false sense of security until they realised too late that his shambolic persona concealed a brilliant mind.

I admired the way Columbo DIDN’T CARE if people thought he was stupid, because he knew that he wasn’t. In society where “What other people think” is the definition of some people’s self worth, he was a breath of fresh air.

Similarly, I have been addicted to Steig Larsson’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy. (If you haven’t read them yet, do.  (The first book is a little dry to start with, but it’s 100% worth the perseverance.) Like Columbo, Lisbeth Salander really doesn’t care what people think of her. And like Columbo, she is a memorable character.

“Salander gave him a long look, satisfied herself that he was an idiot, and decided that she would not waste too many seconds concerning herself with his existence.”

Unless you're the kind of nincompoop who is constantly telling people how smart you are and how you “don’t take any crap from anyone”, you have probably been aware, at some point, of someone thinking you're dumber than you are. I apparently give every appearance of being a total bimbo (I admit, I do giggle a lot) and have been told “I’m surprised you’ve read so many books” and “You’re smarter than you look!” – both by casual acquaintances.

I take comfort in characters such as Columbo, who exemplify the truth that it’s much better to be thought of as stupid when you’re not, than the reverse.

Viva la underdog!

Who's helping who?

Solemn celebrity? Check. Cute kids? Check. Roll cameras.....

Last week I was lucky enough to attend a party given by Comic Relief (as a plus-one for my friend Alicia, whose workplace had been involved). It was all very glamorous, with Richard Curtis giving a speech (“James Corden isn’t here, is he? No? Well let me tell you, he is a tricky bastard. It wasn’t worth the hassle....”) and Jameela Jamil on the decks (although her “DJ” style was quite similar to mine: Play a song. Then when it’s finished, play another one.) Later, Scott Mills mixed seamlessly.

Entertainment was provided by “Some of the biggest acts of the 80s!” (Why? Is Comic relief now a 1980s-themed charity?) Still, it excited the 40-somethings to see Toyah Wilcox, Clare Grogan and Limahl (of Never Ending Story fame).

You’ll be pleased to know that the party was sponsored, so donations weren’t used. Lorraine Kelly announced the total takings for this year – £104,496,747. Just in case rows of numbers confuse you as they do me, I’ll repeat that – over 104 MILLION POUNDS. This year. Wowser.

I’ll admit, I don’t love the Comic relief format. To me, it seems weird to provoke tears with footage of starving families, then bounce back to the studio to watch newsreaders throwing custard pies at each other, and then back to skeletal babies again. But this method obviously works (no doubt the rhythm has been perfected with the help of a psychologist). Overall Comic Relief has raised £750 million in the 25 years since it began.

But where has that £750 million gone? There is new footage of emaciated beggars every year. I am not accusing Comic Relief of anything dodgy – to see Lenny Henry filming in shanty towns is to know that he is utterly sincere in his desire to help. and I know that it has made some difference. But for that kind of money, I would have expected a more sweeping change to be apparent by now.

There is a school of thought that suggests foreign aid doesn’t really benefit anyone. Zambian Dambisa Moyo, a former economist at Goldman Sachs, is the author of Dead Aid: Why Aid Is Not Working and How There Is a Better Way for Africa. She puts it thus:

“Say there is a mosquito-net maker in small-town Africa. Say he employs 10 people who together manufacture 500 nets a week. Typically, these 10 employees support upward of 15 relatives each. A Western government-inspired program generously supplies the affected region with 100,000 free mosquito nets. This promptly puts the mosquito net manufacturer out of business, and now his 10 employees can no longer support their 150 dependents. In a couple of years, most of the donated nets will be torn and useless, but now there is no mosquito net maker to go to. They'll have to get more aid. And African governments once again get to abdicate their responsibilities.”

The trend to buy goats as gifts has also apparently backfired, with critics pointing out that the water-slurping animals will just exacerbate drought. (You would hope that the charities would choose carefully when deciding WHERE to send the animals, wouldn’t you?)

Giving to even the most trustworthy charities sends money through a number of hands before it actually gets to the people who need it... and there are governments even more corrupt than ours (yes, really!).

I cancelled my direct debit to Christian Aid, because they constantly phoned to ask for more cash, and the streets were heaving with their chuggers; I also removed myself from the mailing lists of any other charities I’ve ever given to as they would kindly send me frequent updates accompanied by gifts – calendars, pens, stickers, badges. In cases like this, I doubt my donations even cover their admin costs.

Maybe it would help if charities combined to streamline things – one for African orphanages, one for animals etc. Why waste money creating awareness of 30 different (competing) brands, and designing 30 different letterheads? Perhaps there are too many CEOs with egos and a liking for first class travel.

Events such as Live Aid and Live 8 have been criticised for boosting publicity for the celebrities involved, while actually damaging the developing countries they are trying to help. (BTW, If Bono paid his taxes, he would already be contributing to the £7.8 billion Britain earmarked for foreign aid in 2010/11.) Western aid keeps its beneficiaries dependent on outside help, which in turn encourages shady governments.

At least she didn't say "Jump up and down if you want to feed an African!" 

Dambisa Moyo points out “A constant stream of "free" money is a perfect way to keep an inefficient or simply bad government in power. As aid flows in, there is nothing more for the government to do -- it doesn't need to raise taxes, and as long as it pays the army, it doesn't have to take account of its disgruntled citizens. No matter that its citizens are disenfranchised (as with no taxation there can be no representation). All the government really needs to do is to court and cater to its foreign donors to stay in power.”

Another side effect of big publicity drives is the overwhelmingly negative image we end up with. You would be forgiven for imagining the Africa you’ve seen on TV as one giant cesspool – when it's actually a beautiful, diverse and increasingly successful continent.

Also, a nation with a reputation for being unable to look after itself will suffer when no investors wish to risk money in it. Historically, no country has ever achieved prosperity by depending on open-ended commitments of aid to the degree that many African countries do.

There are success stories, but they are the ones that we have had no hand in; Botswana was poor back in 1966 when given independence by Britain, but now enjoys a standard of living “comparable to Argentina”. How?  By weaning itself off aid and backing enterprise.  

Another successful way to lend assistance has come through organisations such as The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation – providing vaccination against diseases doesn’t have to go though corrupt and inefficient governments.

So, how can we really help? 

Look out for this and accept no substitutes

We can start by buying fair trade: http://www.fairtrade.org.uk/ The website describes their mission to “address the injustices of conventional trade, which discriminates against the poorest, weakest producers. It enables them to improve their position and have more control over their lives.” Resulting in sustainable livelihoods for farmers, workers and their communities. What’s not to like?

All you have to do is look out for the Fairtrade logo when you’re shopping. If we choose to buy non-Fairtrade products, when an ethically produced alternative is available, we are essentially supporting a exploitative system.

I also like http://www.kiva.org/  which allows you to “lend” money to people across the globe who don’t have access to traditional banking systems.You can scan through their “catalogue” of “borrowers” – which is actually as fun and tempting as shopping. I want to give money to them ALL!

Loans are re-paid, so if you’re really tight, you can “help” without actually losing any money. (Nicer to re-invest it, though.) It’s cash directly to the people who need it, and it’s helping them to run their own businesses. Empowerment to the people!

Working for four days, what a way to make a living.....

The cold hard facts of life: Any job which penalises you for having 
big hair and a geordie accent ain't worth your time, sister.

Poor Cheryl Cole. While I'm somewhat loath to feel sorry for someone who is going to be paid the full, $2 million salary for the job she was fired from, the glee with which people are treating this news is just MEAN. No, Daily Mail, Cheryl Cole does not have “cankles.” (In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anything wrong with her appearance. Perhaps this is why you like to bitch about her every day? )

After being told that she had “lost her sparkle” (at least they didn’t mock her own catchphrase by referring to her absent “mojo”) apparently the execs are now saying she was never actually sacked, pointing out that an official comment has never been released. It seems this is how they plan to get out of paying her – when she doesn’t show up to work, they can claim she's in breach of contract. I think this tells you everything you will ever need to know about the inner psyche of the VIPs at Fox. 

Simon Cowell confirmed a while ago that Cheryl had the job. But then, I could have sworn that he publicly vowed that Kate Thornton would not lose her job as X Factor presenter, just before, er, firing her. 

So if it isn’t bad enough that her best buddy Simon has left her to the wolves, now her dastardly ex-husband is making a play for her. Haven’t we all had a friend who insists on going back to their loathsome scumbag ex? Unlucky Cheryl did her best to stay married (which must be a million times harder when playing out your relationship dramas in front of millions of people) but in the end Ashley’s general nastiness forced her to file for divorce. Now she’s floundering, it seems that Ashley is homing in on her like a vulture. 

But Cheryl, you can’t let a bad career moment set you back. Not when your manager is so clearly in love with you!

Look how cute they are together!

Ah yes, sweet little Will.i.am. The man who is on record as saying “I just still can't believe Cheryl was ever cheated on. I mean, what has to be going through your head to cheat on Cheryl?”

Actually, Will.i.am is such a dedicated mentor, he has rather a one-track mind....

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s beauty: “She's the most beautiful woman in the world. Once you have her, a man can't do any better. It's just crazy..... She ain't even the sort of girl that's out there flaunting it or anything like that, she's a real good girl.” 

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s value: “When you get a girl like that, you do everything you can to keep her, you don't go out fooling around. I'd move to London if it meant being with her. Cheryl's too nice to be cheated on."

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s down-to-earth personality: “On the one hand, she's growing into one of the biggest, most glamorous stars in the world; then on the other hand you can sit down with a bucket of KFC with her and just not stop laughing... People are going to be like: 'Wow, people that hot usually know they're that hot and walk about like they know it, but here's a girl who can go out without her make-up and still look great and is as happy eating a bargain bucket as she is eating in Beverly Hills'." 

(Actually, Will sounds like he might be somewhat of a bore on the subject of Cheryl. It’s kind of like people’s babies and ipods, you know? They’re cute and interesting and all, but after half an hour of hearing about their best features my eyes start to glaze over. Or, as I like to say, "go into screensaver mode".)

Finally, Will.i.am on his role in her life: 'I'm happy looking after her at the moment. She's a strong girl but everyone needs somebody to look out for them, and that kind of looks like it's my job.... After all she's been through, she needs rescuing. It's crazy the way she was treated and she knows I'm here whenever she needs me.”

And just to contrast, here's a quote from Ashley Cole, according to one of his many conquests:

"I don't need to wear a condom, because Chelsea give us check-ups."

Ew ew ew! 

For goodness sake Cheryl, get a clue and just marry Will.i.am already!

Everyday I'm shuffling

There is nothing more Saturday morning-ish than lazing around with a bowl of cereal and MTV, is there? Music videos are one of my favourite art forms, which is why I sometimes feel fatigued by the boring old fail-safes – normally girls in bikinis writhing around a rapper (who will invariably be wearing a fur coat. The poor loves feel the cold, obviously). 

Which is why I LURVE the video for Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO.  I think it's a really clever and original use of the old "Zombies have taken over the world!" genre – and an example of when it's ok to shamelessly rip off 28 Days Later. Not to mention the fact that it’s a top tune.

So why can’t everyone come up with funny, quirky, memorable videos that bear repeat viewings? I work “in the media” as a wardrobe and art stylist, and I’ve been involved in some pretty dreadful productions. Even when you can see something is a terrible idea (or more commonly, that the “concept” makes no sense) you somehow hope that the director knows what he’s doing. Perhaps the miracle of post-production will make it all magically come together? Sadly, no. (In these cases, all I can do is try to fit clothes on the size 12 starlet who insists that she's a size 8, and hope for the best.)

For some reason I always used to think that music videos that were suspiciously similar to each other were the result of accidental copying. Say for instance Beyoncé’s Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) – I would have guessed that maybe the director’s favourite movie was West Side Story and he subliminally added bits from that. Then when they watched the music video back they'd be like "Hey, it IS kind of similar, how about that!" 

Wasn’t I naive? 

I realised the truth when directors would sent me a youtube link to a music video or advert and say "This is our reference" and then proceed to copy it unashamedly. ("Can we try to find a lamp like the one they used?")

This has made me watch videos more closely – it becomes obvious when they are derivative. For example, compare Christina Aguilera’s Fighter with Girls Aloud’s Sexy! No No No. The girls blatantly rip off the creepy giant moth motif, before moving on to Britney’s Toxic, complete with catsuits and lasers.

Katy Perry’s video for ET veered into Lady-Gaga-style weirdness, but what’s this? A Wall-E style junkyard? The exact same shots used in the True Blood credits? Wondering if anyone else agreed with me, I found this wonderful website which delves into every reference used in the video! Bravo!

 Gaga : Creative trail blazer with a penchant for poison.

When Britney, Christina et al were emerging in the late 90s, the emphasis was most definitely on conventional cheerleader attractiveness. The modus operandi was to be blonde, wear bikini  tops and sing pretty little songs about having a boyfriend. OK, so Britney liked to mix it up with her oh-so innocent school uniform ("People think it's sexy, really? No, that had never occurred to me...” – who was she kidding, the little minx) and Christina was already working her "promiscuity empowers" tagline. Being pretty and scantily clad never goes out of fashion, but these days the emphasis is much more on being quirky. Adele = not blonde, not skinny, not a cheerleader and no trace of a California accent. Katy Perry = relying on cheeky lyrics as well as a slightly mad persona. Amy Winehouse = drunkard. All these people are, ahem, doing it "their way" and this is what we now look for in performers. 

Which is perhaps why the mould of the traditional bimbette is crumbling. If you’re not as creative as Gaga, as pornographic as Rihanna or as ladette-ish as Ke$ha, you’re sunk. 

Check out Britney’s video for Hold it against me. The disappointingly dull track (freely recycling lyrics from an ancient country song) is accompanied by a video which is evidently high budget. Despite all the effort put into it, it’s boring and makes no effort to connect with the lyrics. The fight with herself is probably the most memorable part, and might have been appropriate if it had been more of a soul searching song – it's something you can imagine Gaga or P!nk doing if the song was about fighting their inner natures etc. With Britney it's just a gimmick, teamed with the wrong kind of song.

Speaking of gimmicks.... one such gambit is the wearing of different coloured wigs: Britney made this look iconic in her classic Toxic video; Xtina pulled the same trick for Candyman.  Then Britney repeated it for Womaniser... unfortunately by the time Pixie Lott had got involved with her vid for Gravity, it all became a bit old and tired. To see it now would be to know that the director had no strong vision for the video and thought they could add some interest with frequent changes of hair colour and /or outfits. 

So what else makes for a cheesy, soulless video? Brands often get namechecked in lyrics, and videos regularly show phones and other fancy gadgets in loving close up, which I find bizarre.

Matching the words to what you’re seeing on screen: Ugh. This is a ploy often used in country music, where it is forgivable because their lyrics are more of a storytelling device (The Dixie chicks’ “Goodbye Earl” is a good example of this). In a mainstream pop video, you will rarely see an on-screen kiss coincide with a lyrical one – but it's obligatory in youtube fan vids and cheap homemade music videos. Nothing marks you as an amateur faster than this. 

And the final sign that the director has given up on life and has no imagination: Toilets are used as props. Check out Taio Cruz ft Ke$ha: Dirty Picture, and the Sugababes’ aptly named Easy. I can imagine the director convincing the artists just how “fabulous” a public bathroom would look on screen, but there is no getting away from it, toilets are not sexy. At a stretch, they might remind us girls of the fun we have on nights out (where else can we talk about the boys in private?) but they are still where people go to do their poopies, so dancing seductively around them does seem a little incongruous.

The crapper:  Not attractive.

                          

Incidentally, videos that were filmed in the girls' bogs also seem to the most ridiculous in terms of offensive portrayals of women (lying on bars getting drink poured over them etc) and in the Sugababes’ case, hilarious double entendre lyrics such as “I want sex on the beach and I don’t mean on the rocks.” Brilliant!

Finally; women in bikinis are a shameless means of getting extra plays on those request shows, but as a piece of art, will it last the distance? 

Further to video killing the radio star, Christina Aguilera is currently fronting a new audition show called The Voice in which the judges can't see the singers and are forced to make a decision based on vocal ability alone. The way of the future?