I heart cheesy horror movies

Subliminal messages from Hollywood. Yo, teenagers! Phones are so dangerous!
You'd be better off without them –  especially in the classroom!

I've been at it again – here's another movie review. Dontcha just love a really bad film once in a while? (I'm not counting Tremors or Arachnaphobia. They are awesome films.)

The movie Hollywood doesn't want you to see...

Well, sort of. It doesn't get much publicity....

"This isn't Sweet'n'low...."

If you want to know why Swimming with Sharks is my favourite Kevin Spacey film of all time, you can read about it here. Enjoy.

So, casual racism is ok now?

Shocking in 1967, commonplace today, right? Er... no.

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with Rastamouse (who is actually pretty awesome, although I can see the potential problem with a lot of white 5-years-olds imitating Jamaican patois at kindergarten) we have a new scandal; Brian True-May, executive producer of Midsomer Murders (I think you need to be over 50) has ignited a race row. Mr True-May proclaimed “We just don't have ethnic minorities involved. Because it wouldn't be the English village with them. It just wouldn't work. We're the last bastion of Englishness and I want to keep it that way.”

I can’t really be bothered to examine this nasty little piece of bigotry; let’s just say, if he wasn’t racist, he might have said something like “We’ve researched this and found there just aren’t many ethnic minorities living in small English villages (strange but true) so we were trying to keep the proportions realistic.” Instead, he made it sound like English villages must have be segregated in order to be respectable.

A lot of people seem ready to leap to his defence, although most letters of support seems to run along the lines of “I’m definitely not racist, some of my best friends are black... and even I don’t think darkies should be allowed in a nice ITV drama.”

How is it that in 2011, we are still having these debates? And how is it that the number of black Hollywood stars has barely increased since the fifties? And that Asian nationalities are represented by... well, Jackie Chan and Lucy Liu? And that Indians are rarely allowed on the silver screen unless they are part of a comedy / drama about a stereotypical “Indian family”, or in a slum?

What makes it worse is that when anyone “of colour” does make it into the flicks, changes are made in the script to allow for this. I recently watched Sorority Row (don’t judge me, I have a weakness for rubbishy horror films) and one of the first lines was that of the “snobby bitch” character to the token Asian girl; “I like being your friend, because it makes me multi-cultural, without having to do anything.” Is inter-racial friendship really so unusual that it needs to be commented on? Um... maybe it is.

Dexter and his pal Mazuka:  

"How do you remember that? It wasn't even a homicide."

"Cheung is Asian, bro. He makes us all look bad."

              

Will Smith is one of those gifted actors who can carry a movie single-handedly, and his universal popularity has resulted in a string of varied roles. But I find it frustrating that screenwriters seem unable to resist the temptation to make some reference to his colour. Of course, this may be totally down to him – he knows that calling himself a “brother” and making racial jokes gets laughs. His first line in Men in Black came as he jumped off a bridge onto an open-top bus, telling surprised passengers "It just be rainin' black people in New York!" Now, Chris O’Donnell was originally in line for this role. Perhaps we should count it as a bonus that a non-white actor got the role at all, but... what are the chances that Chris O’Donnell’s first line would have been “It just be rainin' white people in New York!"?

Likewise, JLo may well have signed a contract saying she will not make any films unless she at least mentions being a “Latina”. It’s almost as if the film makers feel some need to “explain” or apologise for the presence of a non-white character.

Sidney Poitier was the go-to guy for racial dramas in the 50s and 60s, Richard Pryor was the butt of the black jokes (even if he was the one making them) in the 60s and 70s, and Eddie Murphy basically owned the 80s with a string of classics. (Not to mention the timeless genius of Bill Cosby.) Considering that the Civil Rights Act was only signed in 1964, and Martin Luther King jr was assassinated in 1968, maybe it’s amazing that we’ve come so far.

But we still have a long way to go. I’ve noticed that a lot of people will make “racist” jokes in a sniggering, Ricky Gervais “You know I’m not really racist, so it’s ok for me to say this,” kind of way. I was recently chatting to some colleagues about dodgy areas of London, rife with drug dealers, and one said to the other “You know about that sort of thing, don’t you? You’re black!”

Of course, it’s 2011, and he was “joking” so it couldn’t possibly be racist, right? Well, it irritated me, and I’m white, so I don’t have to listen to stuff like that every day. But I imagine if you are a member of any ethnic minority*, and people make “jokes” like this all the time, every day, and each of them thinks it’s ok, and you’re not allowed to be offended because that would mean you didn’t have a sense of humour – well, I imagine that must be pretty flipping tedious. (It's also useful to bear in mind that "I was only joking!" is the hallmark of an abuser, in life generally.)

(*I know. "Ethnic minority" sounds kind of patronising, as whether you're a minority or not kind of depends on your geographical location.)

It’s said that Dennis Haysbert’s portrayal of David Palmer in 24 opened up the way for Obama by getting people used to the idea of a black president. Casting agents – you can change the world! Maybe one day we'll see a black guy cast in a Shakespeare play other than Othello, or feature in a horror film without making any jokes about being the first to go. Maybe an Asian girl will play a character who isn't a kung-foo expert or dominatrix. 

Here’s hoping Hollywood will catch up with reality.

And WHAT, pray tell, ARE YOU?

"I'm here, I'm here! I've come back, it's all right!" Ah, Lucy, I can hear your little piping voice now.

I love all Christmas films, from schmaltzy Jimmy Stewart ones to the delights of Clark Griswold (I always identified with his urgent need to make the entire family take part in the Christmas of his dreams). But when the snow is thick and crunchy, there is only one movie for me. Forget big budget Hollywood; the original cartoon of The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe is the definitive version (and available on VHS!).

I have to warn you, this film is greater than the sum of its parts. At first glance it may seem to be a slightly ropey animation (with colours that do not always match) and features some fairly dreadful acting from the child actors, especially in crying scenes.

However, it does boast a cracking soundtrack and a high calibre of adult actors. Do make sure you watch the slightly lesser known English soundtrack version; Arthur Lowe and June Whitfield are the ultimate cosy couple as Mr and Mrs Beaver, and Sheila Hancock gives what is, in my opinion, her tour de force performance as the white witch. I would love to ask her if she remembers this film; what was probably a few days work in the voiceover booth for her ended up influencing my entire childhood.

Until seeing the fancy schmancy remake, I didn’t appreciate how cleverly this screenplay was streamlined; cutting out unnecessary details and pushing the story along in broad strokes. The script has a lyrical quality, to the point where I realise now that I didn’t even understand half of the words I heard as a child, I just enjoyed the poetic rhythms. Despite the dodgy animation, parts of the film are spellbinding – especially the death and resurrection of Aslan.

My friend / virtual sister Anna and I would spend hours acting the movie out as we watched, pulling the curtains and walking along the windowsill to create a “tunnel” for the extending wardrobe. She was always Mr Tumnus (who, I realise as an adult, was as camp as Christmas) and Edmund, and I was always Lucy and the witch (they didn’t have any scenes together). In fact, after spending my childhood performing the witch’s lines, I have them memorised and still occasionally use them. “Are you my counsellor? Or my slave? Do as you're told!” is a pretty failsafe retort to anyone who is attempting to boss you about. And "Who has won? Fool!" (in ringing, jubilant tones) will ensure that you exit every argument with triumph.

Being a little obsessed with the series and CS Lewis himself (I was recently admiring an antique wardrobe in Oxfam and HAD to open it and check the back, JUST IN CASE) I have a somewhat vested interest in hoping that the latest adaptations will do justice to the books. (Although I am quite fond of the rubbish BBC version which had people wearing barrels to suggest animal-like bodies.) I’m still disappointed that nobody thus far has attempted to film the wonderful prequel, The Magician’s Nephew; it has some sequences that would lend themselves so well to the CGI that has now been developed. I think we can safely say that The Last Battle will never be made into a film, unless the principles of the story are butchered beyond recognition. Call it racist, call it prophetic – but a story about Aslan's end-of-the-world judgement, brought about because Narnians start to believe that his name is synonymous with that of the god of the "foreign" Calormenes, and you have a problem.

Unfortunately movies like this are often ruined by the child actors; I’m a firm believer that generally, children cannot act. This is why you only ever see the same kids over and over again (Shirley Temple, Dakota Fanning, Haley Joel Osment) because once you find that quirk of nature who is able to sound natural rather than stagey, you're going to use them until the uppers and downers and coke and prescription nerve tonic have rendered them useless. The Golden Compass, despite its stellar cast and CGI polar bears, was ruined for me by the frankly appalling performance of Dakota Blue Richards in the leading role of Lyra. Poor kid, it wasn’t her fault – it was down to the person who cast her and the director who let them print the godawful takes.

Back to Narnia; in my humble opinion, the 1979 cartoon wipes the floor with the new offering. Aslan (voiced by Stephen Thorne) is an imposing presence, with a voice that is deep and rich – as per the original description in the book – and creates the truest interpretation of the character that I've seen. To me, Liam Neeson sounds far too friendly – although the current Oxford / Regent Street displays have Aslan looking like a yellow-eyed vampire lion. I know he isn’t tame, but I don’t think he should be scaring small children.

Tilda Swinton may look ridiculously evil in most of her film roles, but I felt that her turn as Jadis was hampered by her apparent reluctance to ham it up. She ended up going too far in the opposite direction and underplayed the whole thing to the point where lines such as “Despair... and die!” came out as a feeble suggestion rather than a strident command.

So for the ultimate in "always winter and never Christmas" fun, curl up with a pint of hot ribena (best drink evah!) and enjoy the sight of those saucer-eyed, bell-bottom-wearing kids, the snuggly atmosphere of the Beaver's underground hideout, and the uplifting music. You might even want to indulge in a box of Turkish delight. As a child, I'd never seen the real stuff and used to cut a Fry's chocolate-covered Turkish delight into miniscule cubes to better resemble the witch's confection. We made our own fun in the 80s.

Putting your rage to good use... (and I'm not talking about sending hate mail to Katie Price)

If all else fails, we can always empty the prisons for entertainment purposes. 
With our love of reality TV, I'm AMAZED that nobody has started a real life 
Running Man competition. It can only be a matter of time...

A recent survey found that 62% of Britons would not feel confident stepping in to prevent a group of 14-year-olds vandalising a bus stop, compared to 48% across Western Europe as a whole.

The study came from the Royal Society for the Arts, which has volunteered the suggestion to train park keepers, public transport workers, street cleaners, caretakers, and teachers so they are prepared to deal with rowdy youths.  

Ben Rogers (author of this study) apparently blamed our collective unwillingness to intervene on a “loosening of social ties” caused by factors such as women going to work and increased immigration. That’s funny, I always thought it was the fear of getting stabbed in the face. Does it for me. 

We have plenty of yobs who are spoiling for a fight, so why don’t we look on the bright side and harness all that aggression into something useful?  Just train up the most violent plebs into law enforcement officers so they can channel their natural belligerence against the cretins who so rarely pick on anyone their own size. 

Bullies confident in the fact that nobody who values their lives will dare admonish them, will have a rude awakening when they are “dealt with” by mobsters whose criminal records they can only dream of. (OK, this is starting to sound like a futuristic Arnie /  Sly / Bruce movie.)

Of course many of these people will also be mentally ill, as shown by the tributes to “legend” Raoul Moat. Never mind getting facebook to ban pages like this, I’d fix it so that you could track down every fan, DNA swab them and keep their details on file. And because they’d undoubtedly be too stupid to read the small print, I would write a disclaimer into facebook so they would have given their full consent to this.  

(Sometimes I surprise myself with how right wing I’ve become... however, all those FB friends of mine who describe their political stance as ”liberal” are always the first to invite me to groups called “paedophiles should have their throats cut and their toenails pulled out by wolves,” so perhaps there is a little confusion about the dictionary definition of “liberal”?)

Back in 1911, a criminologist named Arthur McDonald suggested that newspapers and books should stop publishing the names of criminals, as “this would lessen the hope for glory, renown or notoriety, which is a great incentive to such crimes.” 

In the meantime, watch Eden Lake. It's a brilliant, British made film with a horribly realistic portrayal of "Hoodie" culture. I was strangely depressed for about two weeks after watching it, but I do recommend it.