Would jubileeve it?

"Our lovely young queen" as Paul McCartney once wrote in a school essay.

I've written before about the joyous realisation that Britain is secretly quite patriotic, contrary to our outward appearance of being a bit grumpy and cynical. And while this weekend's celebrations are an excuse for a four-day booze up, there has been a feeling of genuine pride and happiness about the Queen's jubilee.

Not many 86 year olds would willingly spend hours standing in the cold and rain with nothing to do but wave, but HRH does it all with her characteristic stoicism. I don't suppose she was too keen on the pop concert either, but she put on a brave face. She looked about as impressed as I was with Kylie (seriously! We know she sounds like a chipmunk, accentuating this by putting her on straight after Shirley Bassey was just cruel). And I'm afraid I am completely underwhelmed by Gary Barlow's famous contribution – it's tuneless and insipid and dull. (A bit like The Voice, a programme I was excited about until I'd watched the first episode and discovered it had just as many sob stories and image obsessions as the X factor. (Danny: "It's really hard to judge, because you can't see them....") I didn't watch it again until the final, which was won by a lovely girl whose vocals reminded me of a runaway bus, with her clinging tenuously to the tune with no idea where she was going to go next.)

I fear I am becoming as bitchy as Amanda Platell (a tall order, admittedly. But I think I could get there if you took away my chocolate supply and made me look at Kylie's face and listen to her say she's never had Botox). But I will point out to Mandy that Kate Middleton looked lovely and NOT showy-off in her red outfit, that the Royal group were beautifully co-ordinated and really, is there any doubt that they would have had all their wardrobe choices organised and approved well in advance? (Although I'm not entirely sure about the Queen's cream coat being paired with black shoes and handbag...) Does Platell seriously think that the Duchess just turned up in the first eye-catching scarlet outfit she found on her bedroom floor? Durrrr!

Red, white and blue. Perfect.

The crowd cheered and waved their little Union Jack flags for all they were worth. (Small rant here: My local shops ran out of bunting weeks ago. I'm not a supermarket manager, but I could have told you that it would sell out fast. Why can't these people stock-take properly? Get more in next time you imbeciles.)

Cliff sang Congratulations!, the BBC filled in time with inane chatter in the manner of breakfast time DJs, and so far I think we have had only one runaway horse (or "horse streaker" as he was dubbed). We may complain about the weather, but I bet all those in bearskins were heartily grateful for the lack of sun. As mayor Boris pointed out, it wouldn't have been a proper British occasion without a bit of rain.

All in all, it's great time to be British. You'd have to be particularly heartless not to have a little lump in your throat as the crowd sang as much of God save the Queen as anyone could remember, Charles called her Majesty "Mummy" and the spectacular fireworks lit up the London sky. Elizabeth II will be long remembered as one of the best monarchs Britain has ever had – which is why I am perplexed by the people who claim she "sits on her arse" all year round. Um, do you have ANY IDEA of her schedule? It's would make Beyoncé balk. (And Liz is about 55 years older.) Also bizarre is the idea that she's completely out of touch with the rest of the world; yes, she lives in a palace, but she travels more and speaks to more people than YOU will in a year. Who has the bigger world view?

Not only that, but 60 years on, she's still a style icon.

Three cheers, for the Queen, indeed. Hip hip hooray!

Best of British to you

It’s not often the nation is gripped, but the Royal Wedding has been one of those occasions. Crowds turned out in unprecedented numbers – a million, compared with 600,000 at the wedding of Charles and Diana. Maybe it’s the depressing economic situation, maybe it’s the fact that we’ve all been waiting along with Kate for William to do the right thing, or maybe it’s just that this time, we’re pretty sure it’s a marriage built to last. Whatever the reason, Britain was ready to party.

I think we all surprised ourselves with just how moving we found the sight of London’s streets filled with parties, flags and well wishers. Could it be that there is some patriotism buried deep in our collective psyche?  Perhaps the fact that we started drinking champagne early in the day also helped.

Like any wedding, the hour or so of nervous anticipation climaxed as the car arrived and we got our first glimpse of Kate and THAT dress, looking every inch a Princess. I for one was relieved when she made it up the aisle with no mishaps. (Am I crazy, or was that dress an inch too long at the front? I was terrified she‘d trip!)

Facebook was all of a twitter, and it turns out that I have many more royalist friends than I was aware of – and within minutes, several profile pics had been changed into union jacks. It seems that the sudden freedom to fly our flag has had an intoxicating effect and we want MOAR!

So, does this signal a glorious new era in radical patriotism? That’s not very British, is it?

This becomes painfully obvious when we take a peek at the attitudes of other countries. Watching television in Australia, I was surprised at the number of times they slip in a reference to their country – even if it’s just “Skippy... Australia’s favourite peanut butter.”And America takes national pride to a whole new level, with a rousing rendition of their national anthem at every sports game. (Yes, I know that our sports players mumble along, but in the US, if you sing the wrong words, people actually notice.)

Did anyone else notice that X Factor had a week for “American anthems” (Born in the USA, American Pie, etc) but there was no “British Anthems” week? The best we can offer is a week of "homegrown talent' – there isn't exactly a rousing chorus of Born in the UK, nor a London State of Mind.

If you look out for them, there are plenty of songs which do refer to the big smoke – Lily Allen springs to mind, as does Duffy’s Warwick Avenue. (Check out songs_about_London - sadly missing Soho Nights by the Puppini sisters). So why don’t they make it onto the massive X Factor platform? 

Patriotism has become a dirty word. Lest we forget, back in 1996, Geri Halliwell was told by a stylist that her infamous Union Jack tea towel dress was “racist”. Thankfully Geri (who may be a few beans short of the full can, but I like her anyway) took no notice and created a little fashion moment of her own. Unfortunately when a political party / bunch of mentalists hijack the flag, it becomes something the rest of us are leery about. 

I think the time has come to reclaim it. We have a Royal family which has become cool overnight, and quite a lot to be proud of: 

Brit William Wilberforce – strong campaigner against slavery, resulting in the 
Slave trade act of 1807 (long before some other countries banned it).

Our Comedy

Britain has an outstanding comedy pedigree, with a great history of classic sitcoms and Ealing comedies. Some might even mention the Carry On films. Whether they have attracted a cult following all over the world or they have a uniquely British sense of humour, these are some of our best.

• Fawlty Towers (quoted daily in my family. The nice thing is, most other people get the jokes too. Which makes all the fans a kind of family. Yay.)
• Only Fools and Horses (ditto).
• Monty Python
• The Good Life (hands up who watched this as a child and now keeps chickens?)
• The Two Ronnies
• The Royle family
• Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em
• The Office
• Ab Fab
• Wallace and Gromit (as nail biting as any Hollywood action film!)
• Blackadder
• Mr Bean
• Morcambe and Wise
• IT Crowd
• Spaced

Actors

Britain has produced some of the finest, funniest and most respected actors ever.

• Laurence Olivier
• Helen Mirren
• Hugh Laurie (some American fans of House are apparently unaware of this. I want to be there when they see him as Bertie Wooster)
• Hattie Jaques
• John Le Mesurier
• Audrey Hepburn (ok, so she was born in Belgium, to a Dutch Baroness and an English banker. She made her movie debut in a Brit flick)
• Kate Winslet
• David Jason
• Robert Pattinson (Yes, Brit vampires are the best. Swedish are second best.)
• Judi Dench
• Maggie Smith
• Thandie Newton
• Ian McKellan
• Michael Caine (even if he can only play “Michael Caine”)
• Alistair Sim
• Eric Sykes
• Keira Knightley (I can't bear her, but lots of directors seem to like casting her...)
• Peter Sellers
• Alec Guinness
• Alan Rickman
• Emma Thompson

Not to mention wonderful directors such as Anthony Minghella, Alfred Hitchcock, Danny Boyle, Ridley Scott and the one and only Charlie Chaplin.

Music

I can't even begin to scrape the surface with this. Let's just say, that since the days of swinging London we have been a world force in the arena of music. Maybe there wouldn’t have been a Beatles without an Elvis, but where would we be without the Beatles?

• The Beatles
• Cliff Richard (don't laugh. He was our answer to Elvis, and he's had a number one hit in every decade since the 50s)
• The Bee Gees
• The Rolling Stones
• Pink Floyd
• The Kinks
• Amy Winehouse
• Natasha Bedingfield (she’s freaking huge in the US, despite the irritatingly trite lyrics. Oops, I’m supposed to be being nice….)
• Joss Stone (loony, yes. Talented, also yes.)
• David Bowie
• The Noisettes
• Jamie Liddell (I know, nobody has ever heard of him. I will change this.)
• VV Brown (ditto)
• T Rex
• Some would also rate Oasis, Take That or even those little Spice girls again. 

I suppose I should cite some sportsmen too – David Beckham is good, and so is Lewis Hamilton. But until their salaries are based on how many times they actually win anything, I think I will leave them off my congratulatory list. I bet they feel really small now. 

Find on Spotify. You will like.

Writers

• William Shakespeare 
• Philip Larkin
• C.S Lewis (can I include Irishmen? Well, I’m going to anyway.)
• Oscar Wilde (see above)
• Tolkien
• Wordsworth
• George Orwell
• Roald Dahl
• Ian Fleming (creator of James Bond, the blueprint for every action hero since)
• JK Rowling
• Mary Shelley
• Charles Dickens (somebody out there must like him... Lord only knows why)
• John Milton
• Chaucer
• Jane Austen
• Ian McEwan
• Philip Pullman
• Agatha Christie
• Lewis Carroll (he so wasn’t a paedophile.)
• P.G.Wodehouse
• The Bronte sisters (yes! all of them!)
• Bram Stoker
• A.A. Milne
• Enid Blyton
• Virginia Woolf
• DH Lawrence

There are so many more and I haven’t mentioned any artists. What, do you want me to be glued to wikipedia all day? Here’s one more mini list:

All-round good, eductational chaps

• Stephen Fry
• Charles Darwin
• The Attenboroughs
• Stephen Hawking (don't be fooled by the accent – he's one of us!)
• Winston Churchill
• Joanna Lumley
• Isaac Newton
• Boudica
• Robert Winston
• Margaret Thatcher (ooh, controversial! Love her or hate her, she became Prime Minister in 1979.... Up until 1944 it was legal to sack a female teacher if she got married. That’s a pretty fast turnaround.)
• Desmond Morris

I also count it as no small achievement that we make decent chocolate here. America may be a world superpower, but nobody has taught them how to make confectionery, and I’ve always thought that Hersheys has a kind of “sicky” aftertaste. Say what you like about the disgusting chocolate in Australia, but at least it doesn’t taste like vomit. 

So, as a nation that has been so politically correct that it is frowned upon to even use the word “British.” today we are released. So right now, I want you to go to the window, Network-style, and yell: "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore."

Or you can just drink some more champagne and toast the most Disney-esque Royal wedding ever to make it into real life :-D

Goodbye 2010!

The talented Miss Clarkson: Seeing her play was one of my favourite moments of the year.
Incidentally, I once took this very photo to a hairdresser to show them what I 
wanted, but I somehow ended up with a mullet instead. Not that I'm bitter. 

So, it's the end of 2010...here are some of my personal highlights...

• Getting into a sold-out gig (Imelda May) and then deciding afterwards that it wasn’t worth going home, especially when work had foolishly given me keys so I could open up in the morning. It seemed serendipitous that I had just bought a new dress, so after an uncomfortable night curled up under my desk, I was able to appear fresh-faced (thanks to makeup samples from the Boots on Carnaby street that opens at 8am) and in different clothes from the day before. The perfect crime. 

• Dressing up as a schoolgirl for a School disco event and inadvertently popping my shirt buttons open within the first ten minutes.  When I expressed horror that I had been flashing my bra to all and sundry for the entire evening, my friend Alicia helpfully explained ”I thought you were just going for a slutty schoolgirl look!” So that's my official line, if anyone asks. 

• Having a great time at a Kelly Clarkson concert and then going on holiday immediately afterwards (when your flight is a 6am, it’s hardly worth going to bed...) thus “enjoying” a 36 hour day. (Actually, I’ve done this before, and became so tired that even though my friends were speaking English, I couldn’t understand the words. Sad, really.)

• Working at the Chelsea flower show, seeing the Queen, and discovering that Alan Titchmarsh is a very lovely person, and strangely sexy too.

•  Accidentally drugging my family with homemade lavender ice cream. (I come from a long line of cooking rebels who rarely follow recipes to the letter, and may have overdone this soporific ingredient.) I thought “A quarter of a cup of lavender? That’s not very much! Five minutes to steep? That’s not very long!” After eating, we were all suddenly overtaken with fatigue... (Other kitchen mishaps involve setting off a small fire inside the microwave... when you’re trying to soften butter that you forgot to leave at room temperature, make sure you peel all the paper off first, that’s all I can say. Otherwise you will be eating smoky flavoured toast for weeks.) 

• Camping for a wedding, which meant having to emerge from my tiny (2 midget) tent in full evening dress. After the reception ended at midnight, I got changed into my pyjamas before realising that actually, people weren’t going to bed yet. So I socialised with people who were still in their wedding outfits while I was in my pyjamas, an oddly liberating and dreamlike experience. 

•  Possibly sounding a little bit like a paedophile to a roomful of fellow travellers in a hostel room. After spending a week house-sitting and sleeping in the youngest child’s room, I confessed to my friend “I‘m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.. that little boy’s bed was uncomfortable...” and then laughing manically for a full two minutes as I realised the possible confusion this could cause. 

• Actually, I’m sort of proud of this one.  I went down the red carpet at a film premiere in my jeans. (In fact, the outfit I’d worn all day for pottering around the house in.) When a friend asked if I wanted to go to a “screening”, I didn’t know it would be a glamorous, celebrity-ridden affair (actually, it was only Katherine Heigl and a couple of people from Hollyoaks). Surprisingly, no reporters cared to enquire who this bohemian, insouciant young starlet was. How odd. 

• At a friend’s house, we heard an “Oy! You up there!” from a male voice below the window. A toy tiger sitting on the windowsill was volunteered to peer out inquisitively.... all fun and games until we realised that the voice belonged to a policeman, who had heard our music and thought we were squatters. (I don’t know why.)

• I had a second winter holiday (I hadn’t actually been abroad since my year-long travelling escapades five years ago, so I felt justified) spending a week in Spain with my friend Jasmine. We may have been a little irresponsible letting the local stray cats into our apartment to sleep on our beds, but it’s hardly less hygienic than what some people do with stray people they find in the pub. Getting trapped at the airport all day because Gatwick was shut due to snow? All part of the fun. 

• Working as a costume designer, I had my own assistant for the very first time – how exciting! She was a lovely girl, and kindly offered to give me a lift home. Unfortunately she drove like a freaking maniac. As the car filled with pounding bass and cigarette smoke, I realised this stomach-lurching feeling was oddly familiar. Lightheaded, I realised that it was uncannily like being on a fairground ride. But I survived and so did she; a highlight of the year, indeed. 

• Other film shoots vivid in my memory: the occasion I was driving myself between various locations and got lost twice. When I did find the others an hour later, my first action was to blow up the kettle. Oops! Honourable mention must also go to the childrenswear ad which involved 8 children with 3 outfits each, in the space of one morning, with the only instruction from the director being  “Good luck”. 

• Finally, I was an extra in a film I was costume designing. My tip for the day? Never believe a director who tells you “You won’t have any lines... well, if you do, it’ll be part of the crowd scene, nobody’s going to hear you.” Cue me and one other person, who happened to be the main actor, being the only ones talking while a roomful of crew watched.  Mortifying, and no actor’s fee either! 

I wonder what 2011 will bring...? Have a good one y'all! 

RIP Norman

Norman Wisdom: Frighteningly talented man

We all knew it had to happen sometime, but I for one am feeling very sad about the loss of Sir Norman Wisdom; after a childhood (and beyond) spent enjoying his antics on celluloid, the world feels a little colder without his raucous cries of "Mr Grimsdale!"

Oddly, his celebrity hasn't quite reached many of my peers. It's not "cool" to like him, the way it might be to profess undying fandom to Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton. (Actually, in some circles it's not cool to like anything made before 1970, but let’s face it, those people are deeply weird.)

Somehow Norman's comic genius has gone unnoticed – maybe because he made it look so effortless. We all just assumed he really WAS that little chap with the too-small suit and wonky cap. The truth is, he was one of those annoying people who are fantastic at everything they try. (He became adept at singing, dancing, acting, and seven or eight musical instruments.) It's not surprising that he managed to work his way up to superstardom from a seriously impoverished background and miserable childhood (the perfect example of a disadvantaged background not always resulting in a miserable bugger of an adult).

Like all comedic actors, he was beloved by the public and unappreciated by critics, his skills only gaining recognition when he tried his hand at drama in later years. The funny thing is, he had ALWAYS been a consummately professional actor. Whether he was playing a pathos-inducing underdog, a camp Italian hairdresser, a confident businessman, or a victim of hypnosis who believes himself to be a toddler, he was never anything but completely convincing. He also did his own (unbelievable) stunts such as speeding down the stairs on a wheelchair, bursting through a wall and landing on a speeding ambulance – before being shot off the roof and back into hospital via a window.

Charlie Chaplin described him as his favourite comedian. Jerry Lewis, the Hollywood-ised version of Norman, appears to be a pale imitation (in my humble opinion) and he “borrowed” some of Norman’s repertoire. (He did! He did!) You can also see Norm's influence in nail-biting physical comedy such as Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em, in which Michael Crawford’s famous roller-skating scene echoed a similar set up from Trouble in Store (Norm's first major film). Norman had actually turned down the Frank Spencer role because the humour was too lavatorial for his squeaky-clean image.

As well as being at the top of his game professionally, it seems that Mr Wisdom was simply a very lovely man. When his wife left him for another suitor, he left the USA and returned to England to take care of his children, thus missing out on numerous work opportunities. In his later years he retired to the Isle of Man, but voluntarily paid the full British tax rate.

In short, there are comedians courting fame now who aren't fit to lick his boots. (Oh Frankie Boyle, when the name of your show involves a threat to punch people in the face, one can only assume it is a pre-emptive strike. I know of few things that would be so satisfying and irresistible for me, you unfunny cretin.)

Unlike those who reek of desperation and whose only hope for publicity is shock value, Mr Wisdom had the ability to cause tears of laughter with his facial expressions alone. He also had an element of unpredictability that makes you wonder if his manager often woke up in cold sweats; he had a particular penchant for jumping out at members of the royal family to surprise them. There are not many people who have both the opportunity and the inclination to be so cheeky, or ever so slightly bonkers.

Sir Norman, we salute you.