"Female remains famous without knicker flashing" Shock report

 Read this and other reviews of mine over at 
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After internet leaks and a delayed launch, it's Kelly's long awaited new album! And there's barely a non-single track among them. 

By now we've all heard the first single Mr Know it All which, in typical Kelly style, admonishes a guy for thinking he knows her when he actually has no clue. (We've all known guys like this, right? I had one tell me that I didn't like children. When I had been running an after-school club and was preparing for a month working in an African orphanage.) While the lyrics are Kelly personified, the melody and musical stylings are strongly reminiscent of the Bruno Mars hit Just the Way You Are (a fact which hasn't escaped the critics' notice). 

While the song would appear to be aimed at an individual, the video twists this into an attack on the media, with Kelly singing in front of a wall of headlines – which apparently are genuine newspaper articles. 

This blow at the media continues in You Can't Win as Kelly lampoons pretty much every criticism ever levelled at her – and everyone else in the public eye."If you're thin, poor little walking disease; if you're not, they're all screaming obese," and "If you're down; so ungrateful, and if you're happy, why so selfish?"

The second track on the listing carries the oft-repeated message that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Now we're back in familiar Clarkson territory – a pounding beat, singalong chorus, and "Let's get on that treadmill and work out our aggression against the boy who dumped us," feeling. Kelly has hinted that this will be the second single, which both pleases and disappoints me. It’s a cool, catchy pop record which has a positive message and will surely get lots of airplay. However, haven’t we had an awful lot of those songs from Kelly? Wise as it is to stick to the formula that works, it would be nice if the non-album-buying public could hear some of her more thoughtful and multilayered songs. 

One of which is Dark Side – it has a pseudo-spooky beginning like a child's music box, and a downbeat vibe. The lyrics plead that everyone has a dark side; "Can you love mine?" It's Kelly being all heart-rending at her best, and her voice soars effortlessly over the wide vocal range – she truly makes it sound easy. 

This theme continues with Honestly, which has beautiful, gentle opening bars and rises into a somewhat melancholy anthem; "Make me listen to the truth even if it breaks me..... you can judge me, love me, if you’re hating me, do it honestly..." Kelly apparently expects bad news, but is determined to know anyway, as she crashes into a desperate-sounding wave of "You can tell me... you can tell me....you can tell me...." (Say what you like about Kelly, but it’s nice to find a "pop" singer who isn’t afraid to be a bit angsty and raw emotionally.)

Kelly's songwriters drop the ball somewhat on Einstein.. It has a promising start, with a cute first verse:

Simple math
Our love divided by the square root of pride
Multiply your lies plus time
I'm going out of my mind
It was heavy when I finally figured it out alone

You’d be forgiven for thinking "Ah, how clever. A cute, playground style song with in-jokes about Einstein!" But it's almost as if the writer exhausted his / her brain power, turned to the nearest eight-year-old, and said "Hey, I'm all out of ideas. You write the chorus." Seriously? "Dumb plus dumb equals you?" That doesn’t even make sense! OK, so it might be fun for little girl to sing, but for such a quirky idea, this song really falls short of its potential. Luckily it is saved by Kelly's vocals which are dynamic as always.

(It's also worth noting that Directlyrics.com, despite claiming to "guarantee" accuracy in their lists  of lyrics, have misheard this song with bizarre results. "I may not be unstopped"? You’re not exactly Einstein yourself, are you?)

Standing in Front of You is a song about taking the risk of throwing yourself into love rather than staying alone out of fear. Kelly turns it into an etheral, filmic sounding epic which will no doubt make it onto a rom-com soundtrack at some point.

I Forgive You, a bouncy song about the pointlessness of holding the past against someone ("If I hate you, what does that do?") is a little monotonous but is saved by a catchy, 80s-sounding chorus. I have been trying to work out what it reminds me of and have finally settled on Kim Wildes's classic, Kids in America. The retro disco feel continues on You Love Me, which has an electropop sound that brings La Roux to mind. (Which is logical when you consider that they are influenced by Eurythmics, and Kelly has declared herself a big fan of Annie Lennox.  Don’t be fooled by the optimistic title – this is another song about poor Kelly being let down by someone who only claims to love her.

KC has said herself that sonically this is her best album and that it sounds closer to the way she does when singing live. I can attest to this – the vocals sound so rich and textured on this album that after listening to it for a while and then switching to a previous album of hers, her previous (excellent) vocals sounded almost tinny in comparison.

She even sounds a little bit throaty and sexy on Hello, a song which lacks the huge sweeping chorus of some of her other hits but has a nice line in handclaps and a twangy bassline.

Likewise Kelly turns in a rather sultry performance on Let Me Down, yet another song about a man failing her.  With lyrics such as "I think I might be a fortune teller, I read your face just like a letter..." she is soon wailing the chorus as only she can.

Kelly's vocals are never stronger than on The War is Over, a haunting track on which she harmonises with herself, the somewhat low-key verses rising to an empowering finale. 

Crossing genre boundaries as always, the powerful yet silky vocals on Breaking Your Own Heart are as close to country as Kelly gets on the main album. (Please Kelly, release that blues and country album you keep promising us! Forget the teenyboppers who love your pop rock! Your grown-up fans demand Patsy Cline and Black Keys covers!)

If you’ve bought the plain old regular album, this is your lot. However, I recommend that you invest in the deluxe version for some extra treats....

Unfortunately still no duet with Miranda Lambert. Maybe next time? Pretty please?

In the US, country music is big business (although we Brits don’t really have a fanbase for songs about trucks, catfish, and mama, unfortunately. ) On Don’t You Wanna Stay, Kelly teams up with Jason Aldean. (Who? I hear you ask. Well, he has four albumus and plenty of CMA trophies to his name, so if you like a bit of twang in your guitar, Spotify him up right now!) 

Unfortunately if you’re a cynical Brit, this song may be just a touch too glurgy for you. But if you are a secret fan of Magic.fm, you will find plenty to admire in the wistful, minor-key tune and  incredible vocals in this shamelessly romantic song.

Alone is another pop-rocky showcase for Kelly’s throaty vocals and for once, a song with a happy ending! And while the feminist in me rankles at the word "girl" being used pejoratively, the track Don’t Be a Girl About It also made me chuckle to myself. Featuring lines such as "I chose the high road and you chose... to be a girl," it’s tongue-in-cheek enough to get away with it. I actually wish this was on the main album and thus eligible to be released as a single, because it has a ridiculously catchy chorus and is generally a fun, audacious track. 

The Sun Will Rise features Kara DioGuardi, who is a songwriter, singer, ex-judge on American Idol, and record producer. Despite her impressive credentials, I find that her voice detracts from the song rather than improving it – she's just a touch whiny, especially teamed with Miss Clarkson’s clear-as-a-bell efforts. However, it’s nice to end the album on a rare cheerful note (especially if you have been listening to the album in a post-break-up haze of tears). 

All in all, it’s probably KC’s best album yet. However, it’s a travesty that some of her best work doesn’t make the cut. Check out youtube for Why Don’t You Try, an Aretha-esque bluesy number which ONLY appears on the US version of the itunes album. (Which sucks for those of us who have already bought the CD.)  However,  I comfort myself with the knowledge that Kelly is one of those artists who is actually better live than she is when she is overproduced, so the youtube versions are actually superior to the album track. Go figure. 

I leave you with proof that Kelly must not be allowed to do covers of popular artist’s work, because it’s just embarrassing for everyone when her version is the best by about a million miles. Sorry Carrie.

Something rotten in the state of... London

On the bright side, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is out soon.

What a week, eh? Without delving too far into the origins of the protests, they began when police messed up – and not for the first time. However, the legitimate complaints were soon hijacked by some very angry people.

One ubiquitous youtube video showed Fiona Armstrong interviewing Darcus Howe (She came a cropper in the media for asking "You are not a stranger to riots yourself, are you? You have taken part in them yourself." To which he replied, "I have never taken part in a single riot. I've been part of demonstrations that ended up in a conflict.”) What I found sad was that Darcus Howe apparently believed that the rioters were in some way politically motivated, as he had been when protesting in the 1970s. It appears to me that rioters were cynically using the death of Mark Duggan as an excuse for their own agenda.

At least some of the “protesters” made it clear they were not the champions for social change that some suggested, as this recording (sure to become a classic) indicates.

Apparently rioting is “good fun” and “it’s the government’s fault.... I dunno... Conservatives... whatever, who it is, I dunno....  It’s not even a riot, it’s showing the police we can do what we want... and now we have.”

And why were these radicals targeting local people?

“It’s the rich people, the ones that have got businesses..... that’s why all of this has happened, because of the rich people.....so we’re just showing the rich people that we can do what we want.”

That’ll teach you for trying to build a successful business, won’t it! No wonder the people who dared to have homes got them burned down, too. These girls have obviously never heard the sage old rabbi's advice: "don't waste time counting other people's money".

Perhaps wading into the crowds for some hand-to-hand combat would have caused more problems (and been near suicidal in some areas) but police seemed paralysed – TV reports frequently showed little groups of them around the one person they had managed to handcuff. I imagine the threat of being sued – "It's my human right to set fire to houses!" must be quite debilitating when trying to do your job. The questions floating around Facebook were direct: Where were the rubber bullets, the tear gas and water cannons? (It seems that we all lose our liberal views at the sight of a chav with a nicer iphone than our own). 

“Those people were fighting for something; for a cause. To them out 
there, this is just entertainment.” Michael Caine, Harry Brown

Hand-wringing about the state of Britain’s moral decline could wait. We needed to STOP what was going on, and NOW. This did not happen; chaos continued for days, and more innocent people lost their homes and livelihoods.

Of course, to your average rioter, smashing in a shop window and nicking a laptop is a victimless crime. Because those businesses make lots of money! (And you know that’s a crime, right?) While The Guardian claimed “There is a context to London's riots that can't be ignored”, it seemed that the only context was “People like smashing, stealing or setting fire to things that don't belong to them”.

Lee Jasper, a former adviser on policing, allegedly said that certain shops were attacked because they don’t create projects for under-privileged youths. He was quoted as asking: "When did Curry’s build a school?" Since nobody seems to have the original quote, it strikes me as hearsay (or hastily buried) but it’s the kind of thing an idiot in politics WOULD say.

Ed Miliband asked "Is it culture, or is it poverty and lack of opportunity? It is probably both." Exactly – until now we’d all lacked the opportunity to get away with looting a shoe shop.

Nina Power wrote in The Guardian; “Combine understandable suspicion of and resentment towards the police based on experience and memory with high poverty and large unemployment and the reasons why people are taking to the streets become clear.”

Which would all be perfectly valid, if it wasn’t both patronising and insulting to the many people living in poor areas who DIDN’T riot. (You could also argue that she was suggesting most rioters were black, given the stronger history of conflict between black people and the police.)  As looters were caught, many people were astonished to find that, far from being the “betrayed youth,” they were often middle class 20 and 30-somethings with respectable jobs. They were just greedy morons. (And the context here would be: “It’s ok to like the products of your corporate foes, as long as you’re not giving them your money.”)

Why should we be surprised that, among others, a millionaire’s daughter, a charity worker and a graphic designer were caught stealing? For years we’ve watched politicians lie, cheat, and claim for bath plugs on their expenses. Selfishness and avarice is the culture, and it’s not exclusive to the ghettos.

Peter Oborne of the Telegraph pointed out that self-made millionaire Richard Branson was thinking of moving his headquarters to Switzerland to avoid heavy taxes, and “I couldn’t help thinking that in a sane and decent world such a move would be a blow to Sir Richard, not the Chancellor. People would note that a prominent and wealthy businessman was avoiding British tax and think less of him. Instead, he has a knighthood and is widely feted".

He also gives many examples of politician’s hypocrisy in lambasting looters, when “I find it very hard to make any kind of ethical distinction between (Hazel) Blears’s expense cheating and tax avoidance, and the straight robbery carried out by the looters.”

Obviously, something has gone wrong in the moral landscape of Britain.

"The Opposite of War Isn't Peace, It's Creation" – Jonathan Larson

Camilla Batmanghelidjh (pictured) is founder of the Kids Company and is generally an amazing person. She wrote “How, we ask, could they attack their own community with such disregard? But the young people would reply "easily", because they feel they don't actually belong to the community.... In this false moral economy where the poor are described as dysfunctional, the community fails.”

So how have we raised a society with so little empathy?

Neuroscientists have learned that when we see or imagine the pain of others, we activate regions of the brain that are normally activated when we feel pain ourselves. Experiments such as those by Alessio Avenanti and Tania Singer illustrated that participants showed a greater response when seeing pain inflicted on someone of the same “group” – be it race or football team. Brain activity revealed that knowing someone is a fan of a different team is actually enough to shut down empathy for that person’s pain. So, someone who feels completely alienated from their community will have no problems turning on their fellow man, whether it's the police or their neighbours.

I know gamers hate it when people point fingers at the beloved x-box, but check out some youtube vids of State of emergency – it’s not a giant leap to imagine that a gaming addict could get excited when offered the opportunity to try out some well-practised moves in real life. (But most likely they were sitting on their arses when the riots went on anyway. Ho ho.)

In contrast to the total lack of compassion shown by rioters, one thing which makes me happy is the “spirit of the blitz” atmosphere which has emerged. Groups stood shoulder to shoulder and refused rioters access to their neighbourhoods. Clean-up operations transformed ruined shops in hours. (The only disappointing part is that the rioters weren’t forced to return to the scene of their crimes.) Incidentally, I was in the US at the time of the 7/7 bombings, and Americans would often tell me they thought the Brits’ “Keep calm and carry on” attitude was amazing.

I follow writer Naomi Wolf on FB – I enjoy her books, and mostly disagree with her politics (all the more reason to follow and get some interesting points of view, yes?). This week she was theorising about agent provocateurs, saying “Look closely at all these 'masked rioters' – half of UK youths are overweight or scrawny from lack of exercise... these young men have been bench pressing. Their 'yob' clothes are brand new. Something is wrong with this picture..... people just don't show up dressed like a thug from central casting.” One fan replied “Oh NayNay... leave it to you to realize how cute the rioters are.” Wolf went on to point out that “NO ONE under thirty stands up ramrod straight, chest out arms at the sides except young people trained in the military. Seriously.”

Brand new sneakers and unimaginative clothing is not exactly incompatible with Britain’s youth (especially when JD Sports was no 1 on the loot list) and it seems unlikely that the police secretly mobilised riots spread across the country. (And all the looters I saw on TV looked skanky anyway, sadly adhering to Naomi’s first impression of British youth). But there were more theories popping up; Nay Nay’s supporters theorised that planned riots may be part of a “global blueprint” to make changes while the public is all of a dither.

The reality is that David Cameron has the perfect opportunity to bring in stronger laws (if I hear him say “robust” one more time, I might scream). There is also ammunition for those who argue in favour of more CCTV cameras – who needs privacy rights when you can catch criminals? (Activists who campaign against cameras always mock the phrase “If you haven’t done anything wrong, you won’t have anything to fear,” but I’ve never heard any of them explain why they think it isn’t true.)

I might also suggest that “next time” the police and press should make it clear that if you’re not a rioter, you should get off the streets whenever possible. People standing around with camera phones just cluttered up the place and unnecessarily swelled the ranks of the troublemakers. Not to mention the fact that some of those who have since been arrested have argued that they were just “caught up” in the crowds...

You know what? I’m starting to turn into my granny, because the phrase that springs to mind is “they don’t know they’re born”. I’m trying not to think about the fact that all of these poor, repressed youths have blackberries, and I don’t. (The irony is that without the privilege of expensive technology, they would never have co-ordinated their attacks on, um, all those black-hearted capitalists.)

These spoilt kids have the same sense of entitlement we see on X factor: “What do you mean I can’t have what I want? F--- you, then!”

If they had to live in any of the many countries in which police can and will beat you to death just because they don’t like the look of you, or where politicians have almost no restrictions on their expenses (try Italy for starters), they might realise that, imperfect as Britain is (never so clearly illustrated as it has been this week) it’s not such a bad place to live.

But now that the masses know they can rise up and own the streets, what’s to stop them from doing it again? And can we trust the police to protect us?

I suspect sales of baseball bats and inspirational DVDs such as Harry Brown and Dexter (recommended!) will go up.

I leave you with the wise words of Miranda Lambert. 

ETA: I don't mean for this piece to come across as overly critical of the police – when I say "Can we trust them to protect us?" I am talking about the fact that they are tied up in red tape which doesn't allow them to do their job as effectively as they'd like to. I know that they appreciate it when members of the public give them words of support on their toughest days; a "thank you" and a cup of tea and a jammy dodger go a long way.

When in doubt, the answer is always Stevie Wonder

Can I get an "Amen"?

I hate “Christian music.” There, I’ve said it.

I hasten to add, I don’t hate ALL Christian music. I love proper gospel (not tuneless screeching, mind) and even the plain vanilla soft rock style that characterises most of this music has occasionally made enjoyable listening.

What really gets on my nerves, though, is the cynicism running through this lucrative industry. Some smart people have worked out that there is a little gap in the music industry which any old crap can squeeze through – as long as it’s “Christian”. The people involved know full well that what they're producing would never see the light of day if it was released in the normal, or as they call it, “secular” channels of the music business.

Of course, if it’s so bad that it actually slips into “audibly dreadful even to Christian ears that never hear popular music” territory, their defence will be “But actually, it’s all about the worship.” I used to go to a church which hosted many of the biggest writers and performers of Christian music, and thus felt almost guilty about their musical pedigree. But if it was really *just* about the worship, they’d have let me get up on stage and bang a triangle. Why not, if that was the expression of my heart? The fact that triangles remained undinged is the proof that at least a little bit of the worship sessions had to be dictated by the quality of performance. 

I don’t mean to have a pop at people who genuinely do wish to write meaningful songs which can then be released into the world so that others can find them helpful. Of course, it’s natural that those people who are massively talented should be given a role where they can use their gifts. I just resent the insistence that we're not allowed to judge them on musical merit, and if we voice any dislike, we are somehow betraying Jesus. 

There is some great Christian music out there – Audio Adrenaline and YFriday are just two of the contemporary bands who can stand alongside any mainstream group without needing to fall back on any weak defences. In the US especially, spiritual music spans many genres; so why are those compilation albums always so slavishly similar? 

(A popular worship leader once wrote that the Christian music album of “The most powerful worship songs ever!” was a bit cheeky and who were we to dictate which songs were most likely to get to God? You guessed it, none of his songs had made the cut. He did, however, have no complaints when his works was included on another album, the title of which was something along the lines of “Best worship songs ever.”)

I hate the way that Christian music doesn’t “count” if it isn’t the same bland type as all the others. One time the music group (in the church I mentioned earlier) played in a “country style.” The leader was furious and inevitably admonished the band with “It’s not a performance”. It was as if country music was somehow not as holy as rock. Why is a skiffle beat sinful? 

(While we’re on the subject, why are the really hard core “I hate god” bands always heavy/ death metal? How come you never get any easy listening bands called nunslaughter? Just wondering.)

If you ask a “Christian musician” why they don’t release music into the mainstream charts, the standard line is that they feel they are best serving the Christian market. A cynic might suggest that they like being a big fish in a small pond and they’re too mediocre to make it out there anyway. 

Some Christian acts get into the charts after prolonged internet campaigns in which Christians are pressured to support their “brothers” by buying and promoting their music, no matter how rubbish they think it is. Wouldn’t it be better if nobody bought music for any other reason than LIKING it? Do those bands a favour and refuse to give them a leg up. Force them to raise their game. In the long run, they will be happier, and so will our ears. 

In the meantime, if you're tired of breathy proclamations that God is “marvellous”, and album covers in which singers look away from the camera in a wistful, humble manner, there are numerous other gifted musicians who manage to incorporate Christianity into their art without 16 choruses of “na na na na...”  (You may need to have attended church in the 90s to really “get” my pain here.) 

You might like the following songs (which are unlikely to ever get played in church).

• See Me Through, by Ida Maria:  With a gentle chorus of “Oh God, I can’t believe in you... because I’m afraid you’re true,” this song might tug at your most cynical heartstrings.

• This Little Light of Mine. As far as I know, Joss Stone has no intention of releasing a gospel album, but she does us proud with this toe tapping duet with Buick Audra.

• Lauryn Hill’s “Unplugged” album, in its entirety.  She may have a slightly screwy life, but this girl can sing. And preach. All at the same time.

• Wayfaring Stranger, by Eva Cassidy or Jamie Woon. Although pretty much everyone has covered this classic, Eva’s note perfect rendition embodies spiritual passion.  

• Nobody’s Fault but Mine: Another standard covered by everyone from Blind Willie Johnson to (the fantastic) Sean Pinchin. Michael J. Sheehy and Beth Rowley have produced particularly good versions.

• Good old Christina Aguilera has made some forays into gospel (when she isn’t inviting you to put your lips on her hips) and Mercy on Me and Makes Me Wanna Pray are up there with Aretha.

• “Are you lonely up there all by yourself?” asks Kelly Clarkson in the somewhat heartrending Irvine. If she’d been around 2,000 years ago, surely this would have been added into Lamentations?

• The wonderful world of country music has many excellent tunes (the soundtrack for O Brother Where Art Thou proves this, yes?) and if you’re looking for an easy bridge from pop; Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert are your answer. (Particularly the latter’s Heart Like Mine.)

• Candi Staton (whose career began in gospel circles) has been bringing the word "saviour" onto the dance floor since the 80s – now I Got the Love has been given a boost by covers from Florence and the Machine and Joss Stone (again). 

• U2 have managed to straddle the secular and the religious pop worlds for some time, as has young Stacie Orrico, with three studio albums artfully mixing the two. 

• Macy Gray's Minnie Mouse vocals are mostly associated with late 90s pop, but "I'm looking forward to the day I die, Oh my lord, I can't wait to meetchu" is not really one for Top of the pops.

• Janis Joplin throaty cries of "Work Me Lord" are as heartfelt as any chorus of "Shine, Jesus shine". 

• I first came across Ain't No Grave (gonna hold my body down) on the brilliant True Blood. (Obviously the meaning becomes a little different when applied to vampires, but don't get me started on the spiritual symbolism of being dead for three days and emerging as an immortal being, we'd be here for weeks.) I particularly like Vanessa Torres' earthy folk version of this traditional gospel song.

This is just a teensy handful of the most unchurchy "Spiritual" tunes around; let's not forget that the soul star Al Green actually runs a church in Memphis, and hey, as long as there's money to be made from Christmas albums, there will always be a carol sung by a boyband in the offing. 

Traditional blues and gospel are virtually inseparable, growing as they did from the same origins. Even if you're not a fan, it's worth checking out sometimes just for the amusing names – Better Git it in Your Soul Charles Mingus) and the cheery Just As Well Get Ready, You Got to Die by Blind Willie McTell. Unbeknownst to me, Mahalia Jackson is considered one of the best gospel vocalists EVAH. (If you thought Mariah had lungs – check this lady out. You could also do a lot worse than checking out Pearly Brown of You're Gonna Need That Pure Religion fame. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are also deservedly well known as gospel and soul virtuosos.

If you're still looking for inspiration I would definitely recommend the Bible-story-inspired folk of Sufjan Stevens, the old-school gospelly blues of Eric Bibb and the inspirational lyrics of Alicia Keys. 

And if all else fails, just listen to the dynamism of Jerry Lee Lewis's When the saints go marching in  and then try to sit through Generic Worship Vol 12. Bet you can't do it.