Have yourself a multicoloured Christmas

(if that’s not a racist thing to say)

Why do only small children and middle aged men wear Christmas jumpers?

Grandma’s favourite Alan Hansen got into trouble for talking about “coloured” football players this week. Rohan Ricketts (a Shamrock Rovers player ) jumped onto twitter to correct him – “we’re BLACK!” and yet again, race is an issue. 

Is this reaction extreme? I think I too would be a little oversensitive if I had to put up with the amount of hassle the average black person gets on a day to day basis. Many white people don’t realise how much racism is still horribly prevalent in society today because we happily and obliviously allow it to float over our heads. Anyone remember that documentary about traffic wardens only a few years ago? People who appeared at first glance to be quite normal (ie, not knuckle-dragging chavs) would react to getting a ticket by telling black wardens to “get back to the jungle”. Yes, really. 

But what is the difference between the apparently offensive term “coloured” and the Ultra-PC-Halle-Berry-Oscar-speech-approved “people of colour”? Apparently “coloured” is offensive because “it makes all non-white people sound the same”. But doesn’t “Black” do the same? It doesn’t exactly hint at the myriad shades from cafe au lait to toffee to chocolate and ebony. 

If someone referred to me as “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” would I retort “I’m WHITE!”? When actually, “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” is a more accurate description of many “white” people’s skin colour? But what if “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” was an old fashioned term, and therefore associated with a time when abuse for “white” people was common? What then? Oh, I’m in a muddle. But I’m still not entirely convinced that it’s helpful for any of us when using an old-fashioned term without malice gets a headline “Racist!” response. 

Sorry I haven’t been very festive today. To cheer us all up, here is a picture of a black Santa. (I think it’s kind of bizarre and disturbing that only white kids get to see Santa with a skin tone that matches theirs.) Seeing Santa (not to mention God) as an old white man with a long white beard... it’s a bit unimaginative, isn’t it? 

❄❄❄Merry Christmas! ❄❄❄

✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry icecream

Sexism on the football field. Are we bovvered?

ETA: Since this blog was written, Katie Hopkins has become a professional troll, saying outrageous, hateful things in the knowledge that it will bring more publicity / money her way. I have zero respect for her. However, back in 2011, I agreed with her stance. I don't any more, having seen that some industries are so deeply regressive, that they NEED women / minority-only shortlists in order to force them to become more balanced.)

Back to 2011....

 

Well, I must say I enjoyed the Question Time debate on the "Sky sexism scandal" involving Richard Keys and Andy Gray. (You can watch it here.  I had very little idea who "Katie Hopkins from The Apprentice" was, but found myself agreeing with all that she said – unlike the rest of the studio audience, who maintained a stony silence whenever she spoke and clapped whenever anyone disagreed with her. I expect if she'd said "Women are victims! Men are sooo meeeean to us" she'd have got a standing ovation. Poor old Edwina Currie only put feminism back by about 50 years when her take on women in football was summed up with "Have you forgotten Bend it Like Beckham? Wasn't Keira Knightly gorgeous?!"

Miss Hopkins dared to point out that "women actually don't want equal treatment....What a lot of women are actually asking for – and you can look aghast at this – is special treatment." I agree – and it's silly bints like Edwina Currie and Harriet Harman, who propose "positive discrimination" (no such thing) who do the real damage. When we start having "Women Only" short lists, we are basically saying that women ARE inferior, that they can't get jobs based on their merit, and they need a special leg up, as if being female is some sort of disadvantage.

Similarly, when women are awarded millions because they threw a hissy fit when a fratboy-type colleague said "nice knockers", they may think they're striking a blow for feminists everywhere, but actually they are making women look like humourless wimps, and making bosses understandably leery about taking on such volatile employees. What's wrong with laughing in the faces of these dinosaur-like men? You can't really take them seriously...  can you?

Maybe I see the funny side of these things a little too much, but after listening to the infamous exchange between Andy Gray and Richard Keys, I couldn't help but have a giggle. It's SILLY. It may be sexist, but it was also freaking hilarious, right down to the final line from Mr Keys: "Did you hear charming Karren Brady this morning complaining about sexism? Yeah, do me a favour, love." The spirit of Andy Capp lives on.

I also enjoyed the way they huffed that "of course" women didn't understand the offside rule. I find it odd and sort of endearing that men have made this into some mythical esoteric knowledge that women may never know, even though they are privy to exactly the same information that men are. Perhaps it's revenge for the way women always insist that men can never understand the pain of childbirth? I have to admit, I don't know the offside rule, but then again, I don't care to. I certainly wouldn't consider myself in any way inferior for this, any more than I would call Andy Gray inferior because (I suspect) he could not name Hello Kitty's twin sister (Mimmy). I've never felt any desire to join a men only club, either. It's the "grown-up" equivalent of a tree house with "No gurlz alowd" pinned to the stepladder – let them have their fun, bless 'em.

Giggles aside, Richard Keys shows his non-comical colours on another occasion, when describing an ex girlfriend of Jamie Redknapp – frankly, his description "You could have gone round there any night and found Redknapp hanging out the back of it" is pretty vile. Forget sexism, I'm concerned about the state of his soul. Who calls a fellow human being "it"? Astonishingly, he has a 25-year-old daughter – who claims “Dad’s comments were totally out of character." (Am I the only one who thinks it would be quite funny if she dated a footballer?)

But before Edwina Currie bans it from the airwaves, let's enjoy this clip – if you listen carefully you hear Andy Gray plaintively slipping in "Why do they call them linesman?" and the Creature Comforts-style repetition of the word "Potty."

Keep 'em coming boys!

Never mind, we did win the cricket....

The moment when painting your face for the triumphant 
pub crawl suddenly becomes a really bad idea

I’m not really one for football – in fact, I avoid it at all costs – but even I got sucked into the game yesterday. (Of course, now I wish I hadn’t.) Good lord, it was BRUTAL, wasn’t it? Humiliation heaped upon humiliation until Germany’s sheer competence at scoring goals just seemed rude. Talk about kicking us when we’re down. 

Sadly, though, we were rubbish. Even with the knowledge that I haven’t kicked a football since I was about eight, I felt that I could do better than the team whose members all earn what would be a hefty yearly salary for me, every week. (Sadly, my outrage could only be appeased by addressing the television with some rather unladylike language.)

Referee Jorge Larrionda has at least appeared to be mortified by his appalling mistake and has admitted what anyone with half an eye could tell – we DID score a second goal. (It’s easy to say “It wouldn’t have helped, anyway” but it was clear that our players (and commentators) had given up at least 25 minutes before the end of the game.) However, the ludicrous refusal on the part of FIFA to bring in “goal-line technology” is supported by Larrionda. He has previously been quoted as saying “I hope I never see the day when technology arrives that can help or replace the job I do.” (Right now, Larrionda, a blind halfwit could do your job and surpass you with ease.)  

Despite my new found enthusiasm for the beautiful game, I generally prefer to get to the mall when sport is on TV. Chatting with some friends the other night (thanks, Lola and Ivonne!) we realised that shopping makes a pretty good alternative to footy, and should culminate in “The World Shop”. The scoring of a goal, of course, would be the moment you pay for your goods. Security guards are referees, and defence is often found in the form of people with pushchairs who settle themselves in front of the sale rack (elbows at the ready!) After scoring a goal, we do not indulge in sweaty bear hugs but instead bestow elegant air kisses and congratulations on the purchaser of a new garment. 

And while we’re waiting for the Olympics to recognise our bargaining skills, let’s make it a rule that England’s footballers get a pay cut – until they actually win something.