Working for four days, what a way to make a living.....

The cold hard facts of life: Any job which penalises you for having 
big hair and a geordie accent ain't worth your time, sister.

Poor Cheryl Cole. While I'm somewhat loath to feel sorry for someone who is going to be paid the full, $2 million salary for the job she was fired from, the glee with which people are treating this news is just MEAN. No, Daily Mail, Cheryl Cole does not have “cankles.” (In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anything wrong with her appearance. Perhaps this is why you like to bitch about her every day? )

After being told that she had “lost her sparkle” (at least they didn’t mock her own catchphrase by referring to her absent “mojo”) apparently the execs are now saying she was never actually sacked, pointing out that an official comment has never been released. It seems this is how they plan to get out of paying her – when she doesn’t show up to work, they can claim she's in breach of contract. I think this tells you everything you will ever need to know about the inner psyche of the VIPs at Fox. 

Simon Cowell confirmed a while ago that Cheryl had the job. But then, I could have sworn that he publicly vowed that Kate Thornton would not lose her job as X Factor presenter, just before, er, firing her. 

So if it isn’t bad enough that her best buddy Simon has left her to the wolves, now her dastardly ex-husband is making a play for her. Haven’t we all had a friend who insists on going back to their loathsome scumbag ex? Unlucky Cheryl did her best to stay married (which must be a million times harder when playing out your relationship dramas in front of millions of people) but in the end Ashley’s general nastiness forced her to file for divorce. Now she’s floundering, it seems that Ashley is homing in on her like a vulture. 

But Cheryl, you can’t let a bad career moment set you back. Not when your manager is so clearly in love with you!

Look how cute they are together!

Ah yes, sweet little Will.i.am. The man who is on record as saying “I just still can't believe Cheryl was ever cheated on. I mean, what has to be going through your head to cheat on Cheryl?”

Actually, Will.i.am is such a dedicated mentor, he has rather a one-track mind....

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s beauty: “She's the most beautiful woman in the world. Once you have her, a man can't do any better. It's just crazy..... She ain't even the sort of girl that's out there flaunting it or anything like that, she's a real good girl.” 

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s value: “When you get a girl like that, you do everything you can to keep her, you don't go out fooling around. I'd move to London if it meant being with her. Cheryl's too nice to be cheated on."

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s down-to-earth personality: “On the one hand, she's growing into one of the biggest, most glamorous stars in the world; then on the other hand you can sit down with a bucket of KFC with her and just not stop laughing... People are going to be like: 'Wow, people that hot usually know they're that hot and walk about like they know it, but here's a girl who can go out without her make-up and still look great and is as happy eating a bargain bucket as she is eating in Beverly Hills'." 

(Actually, Will sounds like he might be somewhat of a bore on the subject of Cheryl. It’s kind of like people’s babies and ipods, you know? They’re cute and interesting and all, but after half an hour of hearing about their best features my eyes start to glaze over. Or, as I like to say, "go into screensaver mode".)

Finally, Will.i.am on his role in her life: 'I'm happy looking after her at the moment. She's a strong girl but everyone needs somebody to look out for them, and that kind of looks like it's my job.... After all she's been through, she needs rescuing. It's crazy the way she was treated and she knows I'm here whenever she needs me.”

And just to contrast, here's a quote from Ashley Cole, according to one of his many conquests:

"I don't need to wear a condom, because Chelsea give us check-ups."

Ew ew ew! 

For goodness sake Cheryl, get a clue and just marry Will.i.am already!

May I quote Andre 3000? Behold, a lady.

She was channeling Audrey from her first audition; no wonder she beat Cheryl's piranha.

I confess, I was rather disappointed that Rebecca lost X factor – Matt started out well, but on the weekend of the final he was...well, rubbish. I know he was ill (the usual... doctors say his throat will explode if he sings, but he’s so determined...blah blah blah....) but I do find it extraordinary how the judges try to brainwash us into thinking that performances were “amazing!” when they were decidedly not. (Does anyone else remember Cheryl’s jedi mind tricks last year?  She kept repeating that Danyl Johnson was “arrogant,” as he trembled before her, eyes wide as a baby seal.)

What was refreshing about Rebecca was that she had the dignity of Grace Kelly, in a world of snarling, leatherclad starlets. Much as I love Christina Aguilera, it was painfully obvious that she and Rebecca had never met before their performance, let alone rehearsed. As she rose from the stage like a peroxide Venus, she managed to inject new waves of vibrato into every word. Rebecca’s Roisin Murphy-esue vocals didn’t stand a chance; she was clearly terrified and not even sure if she was allowed to sing at the same time as Xtina. 

Despite this, who came across as more professional and polished? Christina has been blasted for her “risqué” performance (BTW, the trailer for Burlesque looks incredibly hokey – I wouldn’t have bought Aguilera as a naive ingénue when she was twelve – but I may well go to see it, because I ADORE cheese.)

Meanwhile Rihanna screeched her way through a duet with Matt (ok, I’ll say it. They were BOTH rubbish). Miss Nasally Challenged writhes and strips with such aplomb, it’s hard to say where she can go from here. I was once discussing this with a friend who said “She might as well just sing “Come and have sex with me-eee...” She accompanied this with a little bended knee dance, which made me actually fall over laughing in the middle of the street. You should have been there. It was really funny.) 

So, is the tide turning? Leona Lewis, the original demure X Factor gal, has been constantly criticised for being “boring”. Well, maybe compared with Lindsay Lohan and Peaches Geldof... but whose life would you prefer?

Although it seems unlikely, being “ladylike” is gaining ground – there are a number of blogs about dressing nicely, revelling in being feminine and rising above the idea that we should be like men. 

It can be fun, when surrounded by ladettes slurping beer, to be the only one in a pencil skirt, sipping delicately at a pina colada. Also, while I spent my teens telling men “Don’t worry, I swear all the time” when they apologised for dropping an f-bomb, now I think “Damn right, you shouldn’t be using language like that in front of me, I’m a lady!” Of course, this effect is ruined when I enter into lively debates regarding the use of the c-word as a negative profanity, arguing that men should “have some f-ing respect” for the orifice from whence we all came. 

Meanwhile, queen of the Southern belles is Beyoncé; who could forget the way she graciously invited little Taylor Swift onstage after Kanyewestgate? You just know her momma raised her to match her nail polish to her shoes and handwrite her Thank-you notes.   

Let’s hope that the pop world will be gently inundated with women who combine talent and business brains with elegance and grace. Slappers are so over.

And this is why I should be in charge of the Brits next year

Once more the Brit awards have dazzled us with a veritable feast of musical excellence, spectacular performances and worthy winners. Or not, as the case may be.

The show was opened by British female solo artist winner Lily Allen, looking like a deliciously evil cartoon-strip temptress (later donning a bizarre orange wig; one thing you can say for Lily, she has her own style) and singing the most appropriate lyrics ever to be heard at an awards ceremony "I want to be rich and I want lots of money". Unfortunately this was about as clever and funny as it was going to get.

Andy Serkis is fresh from playing rock-n-roller Ian Dury, and Tom Ford is the man of the moment with his directorial debut A Single Man released this week. Even the appearance of Sam Fox reminded us of the good old days when the Brits really was broadcast live. Unfortunately, most of the presenters were an embarrassing display of how out-of-touch the organisers are. One can only imagine cigar-chomping execs saying "Now, if I were a young person watching this hip awards ceremony, what would I like to see? Ah yes, middle-aged, unfunny comedians and chat show hosts!” That's the trouble with the Brits. They try so hard to be edgy and cool, and then undo all their good work by nominating the same five artists for every category and using presenters who should have been forcibly retired some time ago.

Oddly enough, Jarvis Cocker's diversion from Michael Jackson in 1996 was not nominated for the most memorable performance in 30 years of the Brits. (Incidentally, where does this “30 years” come from? The awards began in 1977...) Instead, this award went to the Spice Girls for their electrifying show in 1997. Being an impressionable youngster at the time, I remember vividly the moment they launched into the previously unheard Who Do You Think You Are. It was simply one of the most exciting moments I had seen on TV.

Less edifying was the "Brits album of 30 years". As voted by listeners of Radio 2, nominees featured Coldplay, Dido, Keane, Oasis and Travis. In short, you would only have to add Westlife to the line-up and you could release an album of “The blandest music ever recorded”. With nauseating predictability, Oasis won. Liam Gallagher swaggered on stage looking for all the world as if he believed it was still the 1990s, and people still thought he was cool. It is impossible to see that man on screen without wishing to yell "Grow up! Nobody cares!" As for the award, I have one word for you: Radiohead.

Despite the tame nature of the Brits now that they have an audio mute button, there were still some shocks. Not least the fact that JLS won both British breakthrough act and Best British Single (with Beat Again) much to the chagrin of Fearne Cotton. What would have been really "controversial!" would have been SuBo winning, but there is a selective snobbery when it comes to Simon Cowell's protégés. One also has to wonder why Paloma Faith, VV Brown (now slipping undetected to the US) and Little Boots didn't make the breakthrough shortlist.

The best British single nominees featured La Roux (love them or loathe them, that falsetto has made an impact and is here to stay) and Pixie Lott, whose debut Mama Do was one of the most dynamic singles of 2009. It is somewhat depressing that genuinely impressive new acts such as these can be toppled by the kind of dreary R & B that has been churned out for the last 20 years.

The list of nominees for Best British Male Artist (including Mika, Paolo, and Robbie) had a whiff of 2006 about it; one wonders why the same old names turn up when other homegrown talent is storming the world. Jamie Cullum is selling out shows across the USA, Jamie Liddell features heavily in US soundtracks and Jay Sean's single Down cracked the USA as well as being enormously popular on this side of the pond. The winner, ubiquitous Dizzee Rascal, later performed with Florence and the Machine. In fact, roughly 99% of the winners also performed. Is it possible that (gasp) deals could have been struck? Or was it all just happy coincidence?

Kasabian, the Britpop-channelling winners of Best British group must have locked all of the health and safety officials in a cupboard before their rendition of Fire during which they were somewhat unimaginatively surrounded by, er, fire. Luckily Tom Meighan’s fall was not into the flames but rather, straight into Peter Kay’s ample frame. If only he’d kept quiet about slipping, we might have thought it was deliberate.

Among the nominees for best group were JLS (thank the Lord they didn't win that one too) but there was no mention of the Sugababes, or Girls Aloud. Was this absence of popular girl groups the Brits' attempts to be more credible? Too late.

Similarly conspicuous by their absence were the Noisettes, who didn't warrant a mention in the Mastercard British album nominations. Despite providing a bona fide disco classic for 2009 with Don't Upset the Rhythm, they lost out to nominations from all the usual suspects – Dizzee, Lily, Paolo, Kasabian, and deserving winner Florence and the Machine.

The Brits seem determined that best international male will be a rapper, awarding Jay-Z this year, after giving Kanye West the accolade in 2006, 2008 and 2009. Eminem (who is so behind the times that he was lampooning Sarah Palin in a music video released in April 2009) was also nominated. US stars like John Mayer and Gavin DeGraw were not mentioned, and surprisingly, nor was celebrity producer / artist Timbaland.

The nominations for international female were perplexing; why Norah Jones, for instance? Despite her obvious talent, she has never been a notable chart presence. Whereas the ever popular Beyoncé, who was not nominated, managed to start a dance craze with her single Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). Alicia Keys’ lack of nomination seems almost rude when she bothered to perform; turning Jay-Z's Empire State of Mind from a mediocre rap to a sublime love song to the Big apple with her soaring vocals.

There was no denying that it was Lady Gaga's night, with the best act of the evening and her triumph in three awards (Best International Female, Best International Album, and International Breakthrough Act.) She appeared to be genuinely touched with each new statuette, to the point where it was tempting to say "Alright love, it's only a Brit award". She performed a more subdued set than expected, out of respect for Alexander McQueen’s recent death. However, her outfit did not disappoint.

The eagerly anticipated Cheryl Cole popped up to sing Fight for this Love; considering her troubles at home, it's hardly surprising that she could barely bring herself to mouth the lyrics. (Although I noticed she did manage to punch the air with some conviction.)

After winning the Outstanding Contribution Award, Robbie Williams sang a medley of his much loved hits, but after the fireworks of other artists, it seemed a little dull. I'm afraid I flicked over to watch the last five minutes of What Katie Did Next. Now that really is entertainment.

One last question; With both Alicia Keys and Lady Gaga in attendance, why is it that nobody suggested a duet, duelling-piano style? Here’s hoping for next year.