Working for four days, what a way to make a living.....

The cold hard facts of life: Any job which penalises you for having 
big hair and a geordie accent ain't worth your time, sister.

Poor Cheryl Cole. While I'm somewhat loath to feel sorry for someone who is going to be paid the full, $2 million salary for the job she was fired from, the glee with which people are treating this news is just MEAN. No, Daily Mail, Cheryl Cole does not have “cankles.” (In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anything wrong with her appearance. Perhaps this is why you like to bitch about her every day? )

After being told that she had “lost her sparkle” (at least they didn’t mock her own catchphrase by referring to her absent “mojo”) apparently the execs are now saying she was never actually sacked, pointing out that an official comment has never been released. It seems this is how they plan to get out of paying her – when she doesn’t show up to work, they can claim she's in breach of contract. I think this tells you everything you will ever need to know about the inner psyche of the VIPs at Fox. 

Simon Cowell confirmed a while ago that Cheryl had the job. But then, I could have sworn that he publicly vowed that Kate Thornton would not lose her job as X Factor presenter, just before, er, firing her. 

So if it isn’t bad enough that her best buddy Simon has left her to the wolves, now her dastardly ex-husband is making a play for her. Haven’t we all had a friend who insists on going back to their loathsome scumbag ex? Unlucky Cheryl did her best to stay married (which must be a million times harder when playing out your relationship dramas in front of millions of people) but in the end Ashley’s general nastiness forced her to file for divorce. Now she’s floundering, it seems that Ashley is homing in on her like a vulture. 

But Cheryl, you can’t let a bad career moment set you back. Not when your manager is so clearly in love with you!

Look how cute they are together!

Ah yes, sweet little Will.i.am. The man who is on record as saying “I just still can't believe Cheryl was ever cheated on. I mean, what has to be going through your head to cheat on Cheryl?”

Actually, Will.i.am is such a dedicated mentor, he has rather a one-track mind....

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s beauty: “She's the most beautiful woman in the world. Once you have her, a man can't do any better. It's just crazy..... She ain't even the sort of girl that's out there flaunting it or anything like that, she's a real good girl.” 

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s value: “When you get a girl like that, you do everything you can to keep her, you don't go out fooling around. I'd move to London if it meant being with her. Cheryl's too nice to be cheated on."

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s down-to-earth personality: “On the one hand, she's growing into one of the biggest, most glamorous stars in the world; then on the other hand you can sit down with a bucket of KFC with her and just not stop laughing... People are going to be like: 'Wow, people that hot usually know they're that hot and walk about like they know it, but here's a girl who can go out without her make-up and still look great and is as happy eating a bargain bucket as she is eating in Beverly Hills'." 

(Actually, Will sounds like he might be somewhat of a bore on the subject of Cheryl. It’s kind of like people’s babies and ipods, you know? They’re cute and interesting and all, but after half an hour of hearing about their best features my eyes start to glaze over. Or, as I like to say, "go into screensaver mode".)

Finally, Will.i.am on his role in her life: 'I'm happy looking after her at the moment. She's a strong girl but everyone needs somebody to look out for them, and that kind of looks like it's my job.... After all she's been through, she needs rescuing. It's crazy the way she was treated and she knows I'm here whenever she needs me.”

And just to contrast, here's a quote from Ashley Cole, according to one of his many conquests:

"I don't need to wear a condom, because Chelsea give us check-ups."

Ew ew ew! 

For goodness sake Cheryl, get a clue and just marry Will.i.am already!