Never mind, we did win the cricket....

The moment when painting your face for the triumphant 
pub crawl suddenly becomes a really bad idea

I’m not really one for football – in fact, I avoid it at all costs – but even I got sucked into the game yesterday. (Of course, now I wish I hadn’t.) Good lord, it was BRUTAL, wasn’t it? Humiliation heaped upon humiliation until Germany’s sheer competence at scoring goals just seemed rude. Talk about kicking us when we’re down. 

Sadly, though, we were rubbish. Even with the knowledge that I haven’t kicked a football since I was about eight, I felt that I could do better than the team whose members all earn what would be a hefty yearly salary for me, every week. (Sadly, my outrage could only be appeased by addressing the television with some rather unladylike language.)

Referee Jorge Larrionda has at least appeared to be mortified by his appalling mistake and has admitted what anyone with half an eye could tell – we DID score a second goal. (It’s easy to say “It wouldn’t have helped, anyway” but it was clear that our players (and commentators) had given up at least 25 minutes before the end of the game.) However, the ludicrous refusal on the part of FIFA to bring in “goal-line technology” is supported by Larrionda. He has previously been quoted as saying “I hope I never see the day when technology arrives that can help or replace the job I do.” (Right now, Larrionda, a blind halfwit could do your job and surpass you with ease.)  

Despite my new found enthusiasm for the beautiful game, I generally prefer to get to the mall when sport is on TV. Chatting with some friends the other night (thanks, Lola and Ivonne!) we realised that shopping makes a pretty good alternative to footy, and should culminate in “The World Shop”. The scoring of a goal, of course, would be the moment you pay for your goods. Security guards are referees, and defence is often found in the form of people with pushchairs who settle themselves in front of the sale rack (elbows at the ready!) After scoring a goal, we do not indulge in sweaty bear hugs but instead bestow elegant air kisses and congratulations on the purchaser of a new garment. 

And while we’re waiting for the Olympics to recognise our bargaining skills, let’s make it a rule that England’s footballers get a pay cut – until they actually win something.