Why it Sucks Being a Twilight Apologist

I hated some of the casting in Breaking Dawn, but I comfort myself with 
the fact that vampires aren't supposed to be totally convincing as humans.

Back in December, I wrote this piece for Thought Catalog. (I thought they'd be a pretty good home for my work as they seemed to have some interesting articles. However, the quality of the writing there was somewhat... mixed.  I ended up unsubscribing from their twitter and FB feeds; my life is infinitely better now I don't have a constant barrage of articles written by 22-year-olds about all the wisdom they've accumulated "in their twenties".)

But what of Twilight? Regarding the "badly written" claim – I have heard this so many times from people who obviously haven't read the books (or many books at all) but are repeating something they have heard in the hope of sounding intelligent. I had come across the Reasoning with Vampires tumblr (in fact, I quoted from it in the original piece) but I'm afraid I was rather dismissive at the time. It seemed to be full of stuff like this: 

This looks like the complaint of a person who has never read a book before. Even without knowing the context, "trying" to watch TV while "waiting" for something is clearly a way of showing the narrator's anxiety. If you edited it as above, "I went to watch TV", you lose the entire meaning of the sentence. It's WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

However, I've been re-reading the books and it inspired me to have another look at the site. I was chagrined (as Stephenie Meyer would say) to find that it's actually an erudite look at what is wrong with the books (as well as some slightly churlish criticisms). 

So, what do I agree with?

 Yes. This is just silly.

Really surprised a professional editor didn't pick up on this.

Awful.

A leeetle bit pedantic – it's obvious which he bit. But it's 
still a valid point. (Yes, I started a sentence with "But.") 

Yes. Meyer tends to be overly-wordy.

 

This "character-telling-a-story-in-the-writer's-voice" thing happens in many books – pretty much any time a character in a novel tells a long anecdote. It's something which gets on my nerves, although I recognise it as one of those times when you just have to embrace your suspension of disbelief. If every character told stories the way real people do, they'd be "So, like, I said to him, 'No way!' and he was all, 'Yeah...' and it was like, you know, weird." 

  I really wish that the Reasoning with Vampires author was 

an English teacher. we need people like her in our schools.

Although much of the blog is commendably accurate, there was plenty more which had me chuckling darkly (Edward style). There is such a thing as being TOO precise, and deliberately misunderstanding stuff  to make a point is an obtuse way to go through life. 

So nobody is allowed to be devastatingly handsome, à la Ferris Beuller?

OK, so it may not be technically correct, but I prefer the line as it was written...

Read the Twilight excerpt. It makes perfect sense.The long 
explanation of what's "wrong" just doesn't work for me...

How can the word be wrong if it gives you a better picture of the scene?

Because humans' veins are visibly blue and vampires look like humans. There are a lot of things that don't make sense in Meyer's universe (how thirsty vampires can go to a school in which girls presumably have periods, or how Edward can kiss Bella without getting venom in her mouth, for instance) but this isn't one of them.

I don't see anything wrong with this line, so there.

This seems to me like an effective way of showing that 

Edward is musing to himself during the conversation. 

Then there are the "corrections" which sound far more awkward than the original writing. Stephenie Meyer is all about the flow of the sentence (rather than abrupt full stops).

And a criticism of the "blank page" trick Meyer used to signify Bella's empty existence when Edward left. This was actually one of my favourite parts of New Moon – I thought it was innovative and effective. 

Lots of people seem to have issues these days with speech tags which use anything but "said". As Dana of Reasoning with Vampires puts it: 

 

And she finds plenty more examples: 

I strongly disagree. The way speech is described can have an enormous impact on the meaning of the words. Let's try it: 

"But I love you," he said.

"But I love you," he murmured softly.

"But I love you," he screamed hysterically. 

"But I love you," he yelped defensively.

See? It changes the story. 

This, too, seems to be an overly-strict criticism. 

"Let's pretend that "hysteria" is a really 
unusual word nobody ever uses!"....um, ok?

It wasn't suicidal, she was doing it for fun. Why
 doesn't anyone ever seem to understand this?

This is true, but I actually think using the word "hissed" is fine. It's a bit of a sneaky trick, but it's not synonymous with "Spat" – that sounds like a far more aggressive word. Meyer often uses "hissed" in situations where the person speaking is more frightened than angry.

This is one of my favourite lines. I don't care.

Ditto this. I think it's effective and evocative writing, and is 

particularly moving if you know the context of the scene.

Needless to say, I am now somewhat paranoid about my own grammar and punctuation, and painfully aware that I make mistakes all the time (I definitely write long rambling sentences). I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned from Reasoning with Vampires (even if I don't agree with all of them). 

Stephenie Meyer's writing is by no means perfect. Her stories have massive plot holes (which we fans politely ignore) and she does say "chagrin" an awful lot. She also tends to tell, not show. (We only know Bella is "incredibly mature" because we're told that; if we watch her behaviour, she's a pretty average teenager.)

The first time I read the books, I found Meyer's slow, loquacious style annoying – I thought it was "filler". Afterwards I realised that all the "unneccessary" description serves a purpose: firstly, the tendency to skim the Quilete histories, the details of school and the patterns of raindrops falling on the roof, in order to get to THE GOOD STUFF (eg Edward) actually makes you FEEL as if you're in a breathless rush, turning the pages ever-faster.

It's only when you take the time to read it slowly and absorb all the details that you see how evocative the writing is; at any given moment, you know exactly what the characters are seeing, hearing, and feeling.

Interestingly, Meyer also sticks pretty closely to the standard "how-to-write-a-novel" rules – there are very few moments when characters are NOT mired in conflict, and there will always be a disaster (about 3/4 of the way into the book) which seems insurmountable. (Before the obligatory happy ending, obv.)

Twilight has brought many people happiness, whether it's from the Ugly Duckling / Beauty and the Beast-style fairytale and visceral writing, or the entertainment found in poking fun at the books. I'm one of the lucky few who enjoys both. I ALWAYS appreciate hilarious snark (not a word) which I shall leave you with now. Thanks, Reasoning with Vampires!

And if you're a nerd who likes grammar jokes:    

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. 

The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks,  "So where y'all from?"

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied,"I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks,

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

When foot in mouth disease flares up....

Oh Kim Kardashian, you may have the face of an angel and the curves of a runaway train, but you do say some silly things.

I am a huge fan of etiquettehell.com a website with incredible stories of everyday rudeness; a place where you can learn appropriate responses to inappropriate observations (the catch all phrase being “What an interesting assumption,”) as well as enjoy “Oh no she di’n’t!” calibre stories. 

I have noticed lately that men seem to have forgotten that “How old are you?” is one of those questions you must never ask a lady. (And if they’re not sure whether or not you are a lady, a knuckle sandwich should help them out.) Age now seems to be their first enquiry, closely followed by “Who do you live with?” which I now realise is what’s considered a “subtle” alternative to asking if you are single. One guy even followed this up (in the space of about three minutes) by asking about my last relationship. What else do you want to know, how much I weigh? 

Famous men also seem to be etiquettely challenged when it comes to chatting up women. Cristiano Ronaldo successfully seduced the mother of his baby with the line “Me.You. Fuck fuck.’ Which would surely result in any self-respecting woman responding with “You. Door. Fuck off.” Alas, it seems that fame and money go even further than personality.

(If any elderly relations are reading this, apologies for my disgraceful language.)

Some celebrities are worth following for the guaranteed genius of their quotes. Katie Price defended her use of botox with “I don’t worry about not being able to show emotion. It’s not like I’m an actor and need to have that ability.” No, Katie, but you are a human being. Let’s not forget that sometimes, even people who AREN’T Kate Winslet value being able to move their faces.
 

Dane Bowers confessed “I don’t really like Shakespeare. But I prefer the more modern stuff he wrote to that old school shit. I can’t understand most of it.” At least he’s honest, although I’m not sure what “modern stuff” Shakey wrote. (Could he be thinking of William Shatner?)

Some celebs have been pounced on for creating controversy, Kim Kardashian momentarily forgot about her own topless posing and sex tapes when she tweeted her disgust at a fellow restaurant patron daring to breastfeed with “no cover up”. The horror! (Although I do agree that changing a diaper at the table is going above and beyond the call of duty.) 

Kristin Stewart got into trouble for saying that photos of herself dealing with intrusive media attention made her feel “like I'm looking at someone being raped". Insensitive perhaps, but if that’s the way she feels, the Thought Police can’t exactly change that. (And I don’t suppose many people, especially at the age of twenty, could cope with the attention of the world’s media AND bloodthirsty Twilight fans...)

I’m no stranger to the tactless comment myself (hey, I’m a Sagittarian!) My most recent effort was while chatting to an American advertising executive about the differences between the US and UK. “How do you stand the TV?” I asked. “When there’s an ad break before the programme, then after the opening credits, then every three minutes...” He politely mentioned “Well, it’s my business, so....” and I frantically back pedalled, “Well, of course, there are the annoying adverts, and then there are the really good ones.... I can’t think of any really good ones right now... but I’m sure all of yours are...” 

It’s a good thing I don’t embarrass too easily; I also made a mirthful entrance to a garden party recently. The invitation was for a “Mad hatter’s tea party,” and the dress code read “Tea at the Ritz.” Hurrah! I donned my puffiest skirt and little top hat and set off, looking only slightly kooky. On the way, I met a small bumblebee who seemed to be ailing; I come from a household where poorly bees are always fed with watery honey. So I picked him up with a leaf and continued to my friend’s house with the unfortunate insect cupped in my palm, hoping I could perk him up with some sugar upon my arrival. 

Tottering as fast as my high heels could carry me, I arrived at the party to find a roomful of men staring dispassionately at the football game on TV. As opening lines go, “Has anyone got any honey? I’ve got a little sick bee here!” has to be my favourite to date. 

Unfortunately Mr Buzzy was not long for this world, but he did at least get a last meal (sugary water). And while I was the only one who had actually taken the “Ritz” part of the invitation to heart, in the words of Dita Von Teese, “I LOVE being overdressed.” But perhaps that makes me rude? 

The inward struggle; my thirst for blood wins out

I began my Twilight journey a little late – last summer – when I thought perhaps I'd better just see what all the fuss was about. I managed to find the first book in a charity shop, and spent the next couple of days reading breathlessly in the sun, rueing the day I had ever dismissed "weedy vampires" from my list of suitable heroes of literature. New Moon haunted me with the most convincing portrayal of heartbreak I can remember reading. More than just teenage angst, this book explores real emotions better than many "classics." I held out until January before starting my Christmas present of Eclipse; that book will now forever be associated in my mind with the pure bliss of watching snow fall prettily outside and the sounds of Low's Christmas album wafting ethereally around me. Despite my best efforts to make it last, I finished the book in 24 hours. (This made me feel slightly guilty; although in my defense it was a snow day from work, and such serendipitous events are rarely "productive" anyway.)

Of course, as soon as one book is finished, the natural instinct is to devour the rest in a vampire-like, bloody frenzy. Like the vampires, we must curb our natural urges; we will only live to regret them.

A friend was in a similar position, desperate to read on, but not wanting to lose the delicious sense of anticipation. In the words of Willy Wonka, "the suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last". We formed a support group, TWAT (Twilight Withdrawal: Addicts Therapy) in which we would call each other up every time the temptation to read got too strong. We came up with possible plot lines for the big climax. Would Jacob stop the wedding? Would it turn out that Bella's unexplained clumsiness and general immunity to vampire gifts would explode when she was "changed", and she would become the most powerful vampire yet? I just don't know. And I love not knowing. Yet not knowing could slowly drive me insane. I put off the big day by finishing books I'd been floundering in for months, the watching of adrenaline-fuelled movies and sheer will power. I knew that the moment I flipped open that hardback block of dynamite, it would all be over.

Stephenie Meyer may well be some kind of genius. She has managed to tap into something so powerful that it is recognised by the youngest tween (a junior member of TWAT is twelve, and has already read the books four times) to the driest of elderly spinsters (one assumes, anyway). Perhaps a clue as to why this is so can be found in looking around at heroes of stage and screen. We are starved of real men. Edward may technically be a teenager, but he also encompasses all the best bits of Cary Grant, James Dean and... well, a Greek god. He is suave, handsome, immortal, but most of all, IMPOSSIBLY chivalrous. While we have a hard time finding men who will so much as open the car door for us, he is telling Bella that she is his only reason for living. Which may be kind of tough for men to keep up with – no wonder they ridicule our obsession – but I believe these books should be taught in schools. Might as well give those boys a heads-up on what will reduce grown women to jelly.

So often books which are blessed with extreme financial success are dismissed as "really badly written". This cover-all excuse is somewhat nonsensical in most cases. What exactly does it mean? If a book is technically correct (eg in terms of grammar and punctuation) and it's exciting enough to keep you turning the pages, what's bad about that? Like The Da Vinci Code before it, Twilight may have its silly moments, and may require quite a bit of poetic license and suspension of disbelief, but it is also disgustingly addictive and impossible to put down. Sounds good to me. When reading Twilight I am never in any doubt that my narrator is Bella, a teenage girl. Stephanie Meyer, the 30-something Mormon mother of three, never makes an appearance. What's more, she is never betrayed by those footholes which so often trip other writers, such as teenage slang that is twenty years out of date.

The films have been brilliantly cast: Robert Pattinson effortlessly embodies his only brief – perfection. Kristen Stewart's acting ability gives Bella some real personality, making her clumsiness endearing and awkwardness believable.

So, will this beautiful swan leave her ugly duckling-esque life behind? I do believe the day to find out has arrived. What could be better than a holiday, sunshine, sangria, and an unread book?

And so, I must leave you. After months of stalling, I have finally given in to my vampire urge. The next time we speak, like Bella, I shall be changed. The idea of peeking at the last page is like a hungry wolf who snarls and rattles his cage if I so much as look in his direction, but I must resist if I want to stay sane.

Goodbye, old me! Who knows how I will feel when it is all over, and irreversible. But I must find out!