Passive Aggressive Pop: The New Frontier

So the other day I was sitting around in my pyjamas watching music videos (I work in the industry! It’s RESEARCH) and was somewhat taken aback by the opening lines of One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. The song, which won the 2012 Brit award for Best single, begins "You're insecure...." and goes on to tell the unfortunate female that she's attractive, because she thinks she isn't. Apparently the number one trait that 15-year-old boys look for in girls is low self esteem. If you want to bag a mini pop star, ladies, just "smile at the ground".

Maybe Harry got annoyed at her for being too darn happy and confident.

Bruno Mars had a huge hit with Just the Way You Are; ostensibly a really sweet, romantic song about thinking his girlfriend is perfect. "I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me, and it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see...." It is sad, Bruno, and we appreciate the effort you're making here. But isn't it also sad that a million squealing girls can so easily relate to lyrics about a girl who hates her own laugh?

It's a bit like those magazine spreads which show pictures of celebrities on their fat / ugly days. It's meant to make us feel better: "See how awful they look! Not so perfect without the airbrushing!" but actually, it's just a toxic message which basically points out that, even if you look amazing 99% of the time, you can never be good enough.

Songwriters may think they're benefiting the youngsters listening to these lyrics; "You're insecure? Even girls who date superstars are insecure!" but it just makes it seem NORMAL to hate yourself. Teenagers generally don't need anyone's help to do that.

At least some lyricists are trying to be constructive. In contrast, a N.E.R.D track features Pharrell's description of a woman with "Nice long hair, Nice ass lips, I know insecure, When I pointed out the size of her hips." Which is lovely, isn't it? What a gentleman.

If neg hits aren't your thing, you might enjoy the other end of the spectrum – all the biggest female names have had great success telling fans they're pretty much flawless. You could see this as a cynical attempt to cash in on the self-doubt of the young, but at least they're trying to have a positive impact, rather than telling kids "Stay anxious! It makes boys like you!" 

India Arie was doing it years ago with Video. 
"My worth is not detemined by the price of my clothes," indeed.

Christina Aguilera told us "You are beautiful, no matter what they say," Lady Gaga created an anthem for "the religion of the insecure" with Born This Way. Pink points out "you're so mean when you talk about yourself," before pleading with us to believe that we're perfect. Katy Perry gets in on the act, telling us "You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine" in Firework. Kelly Clarkson has made a career out of power anthems, the most recent being What Doesn't Kill You (Makes You Stronger), and Jessie J assures us that "tears don't mean you're losing" and "It's ok not to be ok" in Who You Are.

Some people blame lyrics like this for the kind of entitlement freaks who turn up on audition shows with their self-belief set in stone. However, I would suggest that over the top "I'm brilliant, me!" proclamations never come from a deep sense of self-assuredness. If you're ever "accidentally " channel hopped over to "Snog Marry Avoid" you'll have noticed that every make-up plastered, drag queen-esque female who starts off by saying "I look great, I don't care if you think I look like a skank" will, within minutes, say that she doesn't want to scrape off the slap because she thinks she's ugly. It happens every.single.time. (So don't tell me that trash TV isn't a brilliant school for human behaviour, because it's very nearly an open university psychology degree.)

In other news, may I just say that I find Tulisa's video for Young irritates me, with its shameless promotion of her fragrance "The Female Boss." I find it unbelievably sad that a 23-year-old woman would come up with this name, obviously still stuck in the 1950s mindset that if she'd just called it "The Boss" that would mean "male boss" by default. Because female bosses are just SO unusual! Get with the programme, love.

We can see you're female. Now start bossing and salute no-one!

The ones that end "Love you! XOXO" are the worst

 You know when you complain about your housemates to your friends and they say “Why don’t you write them a note asking them to stop eating your food / taking all the toilet roll / making unearthly noises at 3am?” Don’t. It will end up on passiveaggressivenotes.com, a hilarious website which contains every carefully barbed email and pointed post-it. I really should send them the note below (complete with the obligatory multiple exclamation marks) from Maletti’s, the pizza / pasta cafe where all the trendy media people buy their (rationed) carbs.

There is a funnier one by the till (it threatens being “humiliated by staff” if you dare brandish a phone), but I’m too scared to take a picture in case they throw me out. The day I manage to get a sneaky snap, I will mount it on the wall like a 10ft swordfish. 

A while ago I decided to close down a bank account I no longer needed, unfortunately on a day when the printer was misbehaving. Being loath to waste paper (I’m a big fan of trees) I sent the letter despite the smudgy ink stains along one side. I have no desire to impress a bank, after all. (And I am the kind of lazy person who can’t see the point of messing about with different fonts, lining things up and printing out numerous copies of something that could just as easily be scribbled with marker pen.) 

It took them a while to get their little butts in gear – when I called them to ask why the account was still open, the young man in the call centre suggested it would be “much easier” if I went into a branch to deal with it. What, easier than sitting around in my PJs and picking up the telephone? But many weeks later, they wrote to confirm that the account was no more. The HILARIOUS thing was, the letter was decorated with smudges, making it remarkably similar to the one I sent them. (And no, they weren’t recycling.) 

Passive aggressive? Or did somebody there just have a great sense of humour? It must have taken them ages to get those ink marks just right! 

However it came to be, it made my day. Thanks, Santander! 

I leave you with this slightly fatalistic sign I happened upon in an office; I like the matter of fact attitude. Who needs change when you can have acceptance, hmm?