Highlights of 2011? Pretending I still have some dignity left...

Towards the end of a year (normally in that weird no man's land between Christmas and NYE) most of us get impatient for the new year to start. Much as I detest New Year's Eve (and when I tell people this, they ALWAYS confess "I hate it too!" so I don't know who is still pushing for the compulsory party activities), I do think that having an official end to one year and fresh new start is beneficial for all of us. But let’s just review some of my greatest achievements of 2011:

Blanking a Popstar 

When a colourfully dressed girl came into the office I was temping at, I politely enquired her name. She answered “Paloma Faith,” very distinctly. Oh well, she did look like every other self consciously kooky girl in London.

Come on, Paloma - EVERYBODY looks like this. (Although not
 everybody looks like a strangely evil marionette doll in real life)

Making a Strong Impression

So, I was on the tube with a director I’d just been working with. As I stood up to say my goodbyes (“Well, it was lovely working with you, do call me next time....”) I then started doing that apologetic, delicate pushing to get past the throngs of fellow passengers by the door. Making slow progress, I started to panic that the doors would shut, and got a little more forceful in my gentle shoving. As I looked back, I saw one girl theatrically flailing backwards like the victim of a cyclone. This may well have given my boss a lasting impression of me violently bulldozing my way out of a tube train, but he did call me again, so maybe he liked my go-getting attitude.

Best Faux Pas Ever

I was chatting to the boss of a company I was temping at (good grief, there is a theme emerging here... maybe the real reason I'm self-employed isn't because I'm a freedom-loving Sagittarian, it's because it's the only way I can escape the embarrassment of generally making a fool of myself everywhere I go). He asked me if I’d been to uni: “No, I just went straight into working.” He exclaimed “Good for you! Some people, they go and do a media degree and by the time they come to us, they’re too old, really, to start as runners.” What, at 21? It makes you wonder what indignities 16 years old will put up with, doesn’t it?

Without engaging my brain, I told him I felt sorry for all the young people trying to break into the TV industry these days, because “Most of the time the jobs go to somebody’s nephew, don’t they?” He went a bit quiet at this, and later the runner mentioned her relief that one of her friends was coming in to help out, as “normally the runners are useless, because they’re the boss’s friends’ kids.”

Oops! Actually I think it’s hilarious that I was honest with the big boss, especially as he must have wondered if I knew about his usual MO and was making a subtle dig at him...

This may be a family trait as my mother told me she once got the sack when she (genuinely) innocently remarked “Have you ever noticed, people who drive yellow Cortinas are always really aggressive?” To the owner of – you guessed it – a yellow Cortina.

And Some From My Friends

My friend Jasmine had to undertake a gruelling test of her swimming abilities in order to qualify for a marine observation job on a boat. Part of the test would involve being strapped into a helicopter simulator and submerged in water (the test being whether you could find your way out. No, I don’t know what happens to people who fail the test). She thought she had better get really comfortable being underwater, so she went to her local pool and practised, in her words, “dunking” herself. My image of this involving a bullying imaginary friend may not be too far from the mark, because apparently the lifeguards became quite concerned...

Jasmine (who is actually more like a sitcom character than I had previously realised) also tried to climb over her 6 ft back gate to avoid her uncle and aunt’s surprise visit. She didn’t make it... ouch.

And as a last highlight of my year, I present a video I LOVE. I especially like the sounds he makes as he transitions from barking to miaowing. It’s like a real life version of Tom and Jerry!

This link http://www.lifeslittlemysteries.com/1557-cat-barks-like-dog-video-explained.html  has an “animal expert” explaining that “turning its head reduces the energy going out through its airway, so the bark turns into a meow." Hmmm, I’m not convinced on this – I think we constantly underestimate the capabilities of animals....

Assuming we are not taken over by furry overlords in 2012 (they WILL evolve with opposable thumbs sooner or later, I'm sure) here's to a very happy new year to you all!

Have yourself a multicoloured Christmas

(if that’s not a racist thing to say)

Why do only small children and middle aged men wear Christmas jumpers?

Grandma’s favourite Alan Hansen got into trouble for talking about “coloured” football players this week. Rohan Ricketts (a Shamrock Rovers player ) jumped onto twitter to correct him – “we’re BLACK!” and yet again, race is an issue. 

Is this reaction extreme? I think I too would be a little oversensitive if I had to put up with the amount of hassle the average black person gets on a day to day basis. Many white people don’t realise how much racism is still horribly prevalent in society today because we happily and obliviously allow it to float over our heads. Anyone remember that documentary about traffic wardens only a few years ago? People who appeared at first glance to be quite normal (ie, not knuckle-dragging chavs) would react to getting a ticket by telling black wardens to “get back to the jungle”. Yes, really. 

But what is the difference between the apparently offensive term “coloured” and the Ultra-PC-Halle-Berry-Oscar-speech-approved “people of colour”? Apparently “coloured” is offensive because “it makes all non-white people sound the same”. But doesn’t “Black” do the same? It doesn’t exactly hint at the myriad shades from cafe au lait to toffee to chocolate and ebony. 

If someone referred to me as “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” would I retort “I’m WHITE!”? When actually, “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” is a more accurate description of many “white” people’s skin colour? But what if “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” was an old fashioned term, and therefore associated with a time when abuse for “white” people was common? What then? Oh, I’m in a muddle. But I’m still not entirely convinced that it’s helpful for any of us when using an old-fashioned term without malice gets a headline “Racist!” response. 

Sorry I haven’t been very festive today. To cheer us all up, here is a picture of a black Santa. (I think it’s kind of bizarre and disturbing that only white kids get to see Santa with a skin tone that matches theirs.) Seeing Santa (not to mention God) as an old white man with a long white beard... it’s a bit unimaginative, isn’t it? 

❄❄❄Merry Christmas! ❄❄❄

✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰

And a convertible too... light blue....

Kindles also stop dogs from reading over your shoulder

I have a small substance abuse problem, and the substance is books. I can’t go past a book shop of any kind without popping in for a look around. It is rare that I'll emerge without yet another slightly musty paperback to add to the growing pile next to the bookcase (I’ve run out of actual shelf space).

I’m always excited to talk about books – I’ve never been part of a book club per se, but have an informal one with family and friends where we force-feed each other with books we’ve enjoyed. I’ll never forget the disappointment I felt when an acquaintance told me she was "really into books" and then ruined it all by saying "especially Jane Green"  (For the uninitiated, this is a bit like someone saying they’re really into film, and as you settle in for a chat about Truffaut and Bergman, or at the very least Spielberg and Cameron, they say "Yeah, I thought Transformers was brilliant. Megan Fox is my favourite actress of all time."

Of course, the obvious solution to the storage problem is to get a kindle – but, I reasoned, how dull to just buy my e-books from Amazon. Anyone can BUY a book. But hunting them down, out in the wild? That’s so much more fun. Checking out charity shops puts the thrill in the chase. 

What’s more, I slightly fetishise the books themselves. When I’ve finished a much-loved book, I find myself caressing the cover, or flicking through the pages to glimpse again the words which have brought me so much pleasure. I marvel at the fact that what is essentially a block of wood contains the treasures of time travel, poetry and characters as real as you and me. 

But then I made the mistake of borrowing someone else’s Kindle. I now NEED to have one. The sense of marvel increases at the thought that a small electronic device can contain 1,400 books. It’s so small and light that you can pretty much carry it around with you, ready to whip out at a moment’s notice (commercial breaks, lulls in conversation). You could quite possibly read it discreetly under your desk at work. It is ideal for cosy bedtime stories, as you can hold the kindle and “turn the page” with one hand.  (Am I the only person whose arms get cold if I don’t snuggle them under the covers? Turning pages has always been the only downside of reading in bed. Although it is also sometimes the only thing that will make me stop...) 

Kindles seems to be shaping up at this year’s must have, and I have already been drooling at the free books available... ooh, classics! (Although many other kindle editions will be more expensive than buying second-hand, so my shelves will not be made redundant anytime soon.)  Once you have your kindle, I’m not sure how anyone could “give” you books – I suppose the only way to do it and keep it a surprise would be to kidnap it and secretly get downloading? 

Santa, if you're listening: my Amazon wish list will tell you everything you need to know. And I’ve been a very good girl this year (mostly).

P.S. And if you could get the elves working on a waterproof version for those all-important bathtime reads, that would be great too. Thanks xx

TV: So much better than drugs

O hai David Attenborough nice to see you again

Has anyone else been watching Frozen Planet on BBC 1? Good old David Attenborough has been presiding over this spectacular series following the lives of polar bears, penguins and seals (oh my!)

It is one of those rare TV shows which makes the license fee seem worthwhile. I watch literally slack-jawed with amazement at the beauty of the landscapes and the incredible camera work. I have long thought that the cinematography in nature documentaries was the most stunning of all, and this programme is a perfect example. Why can’t every film be shot so beautifully? 

The work that goes into getting the shots doesn’t bear thinking about – and we get a taste of this in the ten minute behind-the-scenes segment at the end of each episode. The crew, sometimes consisting of only two people – camp out on snow, plunge into icy water, and float alarmingly close to hungry polar bears in order to get the perfect picture. Their dedication is incredible and I am profoundly grateful for their artistry and perfectionism, which I can enjoy from the comfort of my sofa. 

That is all.