Thursday, 29 July 2010

When foot in mouth disease flares up....

Oh Kim Kardashian, you may have the face of an angel and the curves of a runaway train, but you do say some silly things.

I am a huge fan of a website with incredible stories of everyday rudeness; a place where you can learn appropriate responses to inappropriate observations (the catch all phrase being “What an interesting assumption,”) as well as enjoy “Oh no she di’n’t!” calibre stories. 

I have noticed lately that men seem to have forgotten that “How old are you?” is one of those questions you must never ask a lady. (And if they’re not sure whether or not you are a lady, a knuckle sandwich should help them out.) Age now seems to be their first enquiry, closely followed by “Who do you live with?” which I now realise is what’s considered a “subtle” alternative to asking if you are single. One guy even followed this up (in the space of about three minutes) by asking about my last relationship. What else do you want to know, how much I weigh? 

Famous men also seem to be etiquettely challenged when it comes to chatting up women. Cristiano Ronaldo successfully seduced the mother of his baby with the line “Me.You. Fuck fuck.’ Which would surely result in any self-respecting woman responding with “You. Door. Fuck off.” Alas, it seems that fame and money go even further than personality.

(If any elderly relations are reading this, apologies for my disgraceful language.)
Some celebrities are worth following for the guaranteed genius of their quotes. Katie Price defended her use of botox with “I don’t worry about not being able to show emotion. It’s not like I’m an actor and need to have that ability.” No, Katie, but you are a human being. Let’s not forget that sometimes, even people who AREN’T Kate Winslet value being able to move their faces.
Dane Bowers confessed “I don’t really like Shakespeare. But I prefer the more modern stuff he wrote to that old school shit. I can’t understand most of it.” At least he’s honest, although I’m not sure what “modern stuff” Shakey wrote. (Could he be thinking of William Shatner?)

Some celebs have been pounced on for creating controversy, Kim Kardashian momentarily forgot about her own topless posing and sex tapes when she tweeted her disgust at a fellow restaurant patron daring to breastfeed with “no cover up”. The horror! (Although I do agree that changing a diaper at the table is going above and beyond the call of duty.) 

Kristin Stewart got into trouble for saying that photos of herself dealing with intrusive media attention made her feel “like I'm looking at someone being raped". Insensitive perhaps, but if that’s the way she feels, the Thought Police can’t exactly change that. (And I don’t suppose many people, especially at the age of twenty, could cope with the attention of the world’s media AND bloodthirsty Twilight fans...)

I’m no stranger to the tactless comment myself (hey, I’m a Sagittarian!) My most recent effort was while chatting to an American advertising executive about the differences between the US and UK. “How do you stand the TV?” I asked. “When there’s an ad break before the programme, then after the opening credits, then every three minutes...” He politely mentioned “Well, it’s my business, so....” and I frantically back pedalled, “Well, of course, there are the annoying adverts, and then there are the really good ones.... I can’t think of any really good ones right now... but I’m sure all of yours are...” 

It’s a good thing I don’t embarrass too easily; I also made a mirthful entrance to a garden party recently. The invitation was for a “Mad hatter’s tea party,” and the dress code read “Tea at the Ritz.” Hurrah! I donned my puffiest skirt and little top hat and set off, looking only slightly kooky. On the way, I met a small bumblebee who seemed to be ailing; I come from a household where poorly bees are always fed with watery honey. So I picked him up with a leaf and continued to my friend’s house with the unfortunate insect cupped in my palm, hoping I could perk him up with some sugar upon my arrival. 

Tottering as fast as my high heels could carry me, I arrived at the party to find a roomful of men staring dispassionately at the football game on TV. As opening lines go, “Has anyone got any honey? I’ve got a little sick bee here!” has to be my favourite to date. 

Unfortunately Mr Buzzy was not long for this world, but he did at least get a last meal (sugary water). And while I was the only one who had actually taken the “Ritz” part of the invitation to heart, in the words of Dita Von Teese, “I LOVE being overdressed.” But perhaps that makes me rude? 

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