Passive Aggressive Pop: The New Frontier

So the other day I was sitting around in my pyjamas watching music videos (I work in the industry! It’s RESEARCH) and was somewhat taken aback by the opening lines of One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. The song, which won the 2012 Brit award for Best single, begins "You're insecure...." and goes on to tell the unfortunate female that she's attractive, because she thinks she isn't. Apparently the number one trait that 15-year-old boys look for in girls is low self esteem. If you want to bag a mini pop star, ladies, just "smile at the ground".

Maybe Harry got annoyed at her for being too darn happy and confident.

Bruno Mars had a huge hit with Just the Way You Are; ostensibly a really sweet, romantic song about thinking his girlfriend is perfect. "I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me, and it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see...." It is sad, Bruno, and we appreciate the effort you're making here. But isn't it also sad that a million squealing girls can so easily relate to lyrics about a girl who hates her own laugh?

It's a bit like those magazine spreads which show pictures of celebrities on their fat / ugly days. It's meant to make us feel better: "See how awful they look! Not so perfect without the airbrushing!" but actually, it's just a toxic message which basically points out that, even if you look amazing 99% of the time, you can never be good enough.

Songwriters may think they're benefiting the youngsters listening to these lyrics; "You're insecure? Even girls who date superstars are insecure!" but it just makes it seem NORMAL to hate yourself. Teenagers generally don't need anyone's help to do that.

At least some lyricists are trying to be constructive. In contrast, a N.E.R.D track features Pharrell's description of a woman with "Nice long hair, Nice ass lips, I know insecure, When I pointed out the size of her hips." Which is lovely, isn't it? What a gentleman.

If neg hits aren't your thing, you might enjoy the other end of the spectrum – all the biggest female names have had great success telling fans they're pretty much flawless. You could see this as a cynical attempt to cash in on the self-doubt of the young, but at least they're trying to have a positive impact, rather than telling kids "Stay anxious! It makes boys like you!" 

India Arie was doing it years ago with Video. 
"My worth is not detemined by the price of my clothes," indeed.

Christina Aguilera told us "You are beautiful, no matter what they say," Lady Gaga created an anthem for "the religion of the insecure" with Born This Way. Pink points out "you're so mean when you talk about yourself," before pleading with us to believe that we're perfect. Katy Perry gets in on the act, telling us "You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine" in Firework. Kelly Clarkson has made a career out of power anthems, the most recent being What Doesn't Kill You (Makes You Stronger), and Jessie J assures us that "tears don't mean you're losing" and "It's ok not to be ok" in Who You Are.

Some people blame lyrics like this for the kind of entitlement freaks who turn up on audition shows with their self-belief set in stone. However, I would suggest that over the top "I'm brilliant, me!" proclamations never come from a deep sense of self-assuredness. If you're ever "accidentally " channel hopped over to "Snog Marry Avoid" you'll have noticed that every make-up plastered, drag queen-esque female who starts off by saying "I look great, I don't care if you think I look like a skank" will, within minutes, say that she doesn't want to scrape off the slap because she thinks she's ugly. It happens every.single.time. (So don't tell me that trash TV isn't a brilliant school for human behaviour, because it's very nearly an open university psychology degree.)

In other news, may I just say that I find Tulisa's video for Young irritates me, with its shameless promotion of her fragrance "The Female Boss." I find it unbelievably sad that a 23-year-old woman would come up with this name, obviously still stuck in the 1950s mindset that if she'd just called it "The Boss" that would mean "male boss" by default. Because female bosses are just SO unusual! Get with the programme, love.

We can see you're female. Now start bossing and salute no-one!

Day of the Dolphin

We all know dolphins are extraordinarily intelligent, don't we? If you had any doubt, watching BBC1's "Super Smart animals" will have re-educated you. (It also demonstrated that chimps are a whole lot faster than we are when it comes to certain tasks (the nonchalance of the chimp doing a near-impossible memory game has to be seen to be believed) and some birds are insanely clever; they know physics and stuff. Watch it now and you'll see what I mean...)

Anyway, scientists have now decided that dolphins are too smart to be considered animals (so Border Collies can't be far behind). Dr Thomas White (author of In Defense of Dolphins: The New Moral Frontier) said “dolphins should be regarded as “non-human persons” and valued as individuals."

Dolphins actually have MORE spindle cells – the nerve cells controlling empathy – in their brains than we do. So basically, if you were to start watching Free Willy with a dolphin, he would start crying before you did. 

Dolphins hang out together in pods which evolve constantly (a bit like friendship groups at school). They use their echolocation (sonar) to read each other, and detect other dolphins' emotions. Scientists get very sniffy when you start talking about animals having emotions... But they would be the first to jump down your throat if you suggested that humans were in any way different from other mammals – we are the naked apes, after all. So – duh – obviously if we can have emotions, so can other animals. Silly scientists.

For all their empathy, dolphins aren't the angels we sometimes expect them to be. They also bully, kill and rape each other; lovely. However, we adore their cheeky grins and mischievous ways, and swimming with dolphins is often cited as the number one "thing to do before you die". Their echolocation, when applied to people, actually produces alpha brain waves – the kind of relaxation that occurs when you are meditating or doing something you love and totally lose track of time. There is even some evidence that being "scanned" by a dolphin can affect biological tissue – hence the physical healings that can allegedly occur when people take a dip with a dolphin. 

There is a school of thought that we are actually more closely related to dolphins that we imagine. The Aquatic Ape Theory (AAT) was first put forward by marine biologist Alister Hardy in 1960, but has been popularised by writer Elaine Morgan. Apparently there are some uncanny similarities between humans and sea creatures – here we go: 

• The fact that a baby will instinctively hold his breath when dunked under water (probably best if you don't try this at home, folks). 

•  We are mostly hairless, like many aquatic mammals, and the hair we do have runs in the direction you would expect for a streamlined swimmer. Also, women's hair grows like crazy in pregnancy and they rarely suffer from baldness, suggesting that babies might use their mother's hair to hang onto. (Yes, they are pushing it a bit with this idea, but it kind of makes sense...)

• Unlike the flat noses of the chimps and gorillas, we have a downward pointing nose which helps to keep the nostrils free of water when diving. Proboscis monkeys also have noses shaped like this (to be more specific, they have noses shaped like Jimmy Durante's) and they are frequent swimmers in the watery forests where they live. With the help of nose clips (probably not around millions of years ago) we humans can close our nostrils completely, although seals can do it all by themselves. Kudos to them!

•  Marine mammals, birds and reptiles "cry" when they are releasing salt – but they also do this when they get a bit emotional – fighting, feeding, that sort of thing. One of the objections put to the AAT is that "lots of animals weep because of emotions".  Um, WHA...? That news actually makes me want to boohoo a little bit myself.  Poor Indian elephants.

• Humans have a lot more fat cells than any primate; Elaine Morgan says "There are two kinds of animals which tend to acquire large deposits of fat – hibernating ones and aquatic ones. In hibernating mammals the fat is seasonal; in most aquatic ones, as in humans, it is present all the year round." Also, our subcutaneous fat is bonded to the skin, like it would be in a dolphin or seal, and unlike the kind of fat found in land mammals. 

There's more: the very slight webbing we have between our fingers (which apes apparently lack) and our sebaceous glands' ability to produce waterproofing oil. Then there is the theory that humans have problems with back and joint pain because walking on two legs on land puts more strain on the body than our "natural" methods of swimming and occasionally wading. (No other land mammal habitually walks upright – although plenty of them can. Ever seen the funny dogs on youtube?)

Of course, there are some rational, sensible reasons for the apparent similarities between humans and aquatic animals, just check out http://www.aquaticape.org/  but I still think it's an interesting idea. And I have no doubt that we are only just beginning to scratch the surface of what dolphins are capable of. I just hope we can keep them on our side. 

Hidden treasures

To cheer us all up on a cold January day (actually, forget that – it's been unseasonably mild) I am once again listing some of the artists that I listen to obsessively, just to offset the fact that Rihanna was the most popular artist on Facebook last year. We will overcome!

Beth Hart

You know when someone does a cover of a song which is incredibly famous and brilliant, and it’s as if you’ve never heard the original? Suddenly the words seem fresh and you somehow “hear” them for the first time and remember what the song is all about? For me, this is one of those times.

Part of the exquisite pain of listening to her heartfelt, quavering notes is “Why didn’t anybody tell me about her?” Wikipedia says she “became famous” when one of her songs was used in the last episode of Beverly Hills 90210. (Remember Luke Perry? He was making pet pigs cool while George Clooney was still doing bit parts in the Golden Girls.)

“Famous” or not, I’ve NEVER heard her played on the radio or seen her mentioned in a magazine. Am I not looking hard enough?

Jack and White

Another recent discovery – it reminds me of classic 1970s pop. It’s effortlessly happy-sounding and makes me happy too. Apparently Brooke White was a finalist on American Idol back in 2008 (I KNEW I should watch it every year!) while Jack Matranga was a guitarist for Self Against City (also worth checking out.)

Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

Another band that doesn't seem to get very much recognition, which is doubly weird when you see how many of their songs have been used in soundtracks (including Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland). Singer Grace Potter also gets out and about on her own, singing on the Tangled (Disney's take on Rapunzel) soundtrack  and Pan Am. She has the most amazing husky voice which can veer from the throaty rasp to squeak with no apparent effort. I ♥ her. I just don't understand why they haven't had any singles released in the UK. 

Pistol Annies

Ok, so I know I go on about Miranda Lambert almost as much as Kelly Clarkson, but this is different – it's about her BAND.  They make the kind of old skool, slide-guitar-and-fiddles country music that will get you tapping your toes and chewing on a husk of corn before you can say "Y'all git in the kitchen, the squirrel's ready!" I honestly find it unbelievable that country music is so utterly rejected by the UK, when it means that we miss out on such a huge slice of the musical action from across the pond. 

 

Spotify, once again, I salute you. ♥

Highlights of 2011? Pretending I still have some dignity left...

Towards the end of a year (normally in that weird no man's land between Christmas and NYE) most of us get impatient for the new year to start. Much as I detest New Year's Eve (and when I tell people this, they ALWAYS confess "I hate it too!" so I don't know who is still pushing for the compulsory party activities), I do think that having an official end to one year and fresh new start is beneficial for all of us. But let’s just review some of my greatest achievements of 2011:

Blanking a Popstar 

When a colourfully dressed girl came into the office I was temping at, I politely enquired her name. She answered “Paloma Faith,” very distinctly. Oh well, she did look like every other self consciously kooky girl in London.

Come on, Paloma - EVERYBODY looks like this. (Although not
 everybody looks like a strangely evil marionette doll in real life)

Making a Strong Impression

So, I was on the tube with a director I’d just been working with. As I stood up to say my goodbyes (“Well, it was lovely working with you, do call me next time....”) I then started doing that apologetic, delicate pushing to get past the throngs of fellow passengers by the door. Making slow progress, I started to panic that the doors would shut, and got a little more forceful in my gentle shoving. As I looked back, I saw one girl theatrically flailing backwards like the victim of a cyclone. This may well have given my boss a lasting impression of me violently bulldozing my way out of a tube train, but he did call me again, so maybe he liked my go-getting attitude.

Best Faux Pas Ever

I was chatting to the boss of a company I was temping at (good grief, there is a theme emerging here... maybe the real reason I'm self-employed isn't because I'm a freedom-loving Sagittarian, it's because it's the only way I can escape the embarrassment of generally making a fool of myself everywhere I go). He asked me if I’d been to uni: “No, I just went straight into working.” He exclaimed “Good for you! Some people, they go and do a media degree and by the time they come to us, they’re too old, really, to start as runners.” What, at 21? It makes you wonder what indignities 16 years old will put up with, doesn’t it?

Without engaging my brain, I told him I felt sorry for all the young people trying to break into the TV industry these days, because “Most of the time the jobs go to somebody’s nephew, don’t they?” He went a bit quiet at this, and later the runner mentioned her relief that one of her friends was coming in to help out, as “normally the runners are useless, because they’re the boss’s friends’ kids.”

Oops! Actually I think it’s hilarious that I was honest with the big boss, especially as he must have wondered if I knew about his usual MO and was making a subtle dig at him...

This may be a family trait as my mother told me she once got the sack when she (genuinely) innocently remarked “Have you ever noticed, people who drive yellow Cortinas are always really aggressive?” To the owner of – you guessed it – a yellow Cortina.

And Some From My Friends

My friend Jasmine had to undertake a gruelling test of her swimming abilities in order to qualify for a marine observation job on a boat. Part of the test would involve being strapped into a helicopter simulator and submerged in water (the test being whether you could find your way out. No, I don’t know what happens to people who fail the test). She thought she had better get really comfortable being underwater, so she went to her local pool and practised, in her words, “dunking” herself. My image of this involving a bullying imaginary friend may not be too far from the mark, because apparently the lifeguards became quite concerned...

Jasmine (who is actually more like a sitcom character than I had previously realised) also tried to climb over her 6 ft back gate to avoid her uncle and aunt’s surprise visit. She didn’t make it... ouch.

And as a last highlight of my year, I present a video I LOVE. I especially like the sounds he makes as he transitions from barking to miaowing. It’s like a real life version of Tom and Jerry!

This link http://www.lifeslittlemysteries.com/1557-cat-barks-like-dog-video-explained.html  has an “animal expert” explaining that “turning its head reduces the energy going out through its airway, so the bark turns into a meow." Hmmm, I’m not convinced on this – I think we constantly underestimate the capabilities of animals....

Assuming we are not taken over by furry overlords in 2012 (they WILL evolve with opposable thumbs sooner or later, I'm sure) here's to a very happy new year to you all!

Have yourself a multicoloured Christmas

(if that’s not a racist thing to say)

Why do only small children and middle aged men wear Christmas jumpers?

Grandma’s favourite Alan Hansen got into trouble for talking about “coloured” football players this week. Rohan Ricketts (a Shamrock Rovers player ) jumped onto twitter to correct him – “we’re BLACK!” and yet again, race is an issue. 

Is this reaction extreme? I think I too would be a little oversensitive if I had to put up with the amount of hassle the average black person gets on a day to day basis. Many white people don’t realise how much racism is still horribly prevalent in society today because we happily and obliviously allow it to float over our heads. Anyone remember that documentary about traffic wardens only a few years ago? People who appeared at first glance to be quite normal (ie, not knuckle-dragging chavs) would react to getting a ticket by telling black wardens to “get back to the jungle”. Yes, really. 

But what is the difference between the apparently offensive term “coloured” and the Ultra-PC-Halle-Berry-Oscar-speech-approved “people of colour”? Apparently “coloured” is offensive because “it makes all non-white people sound the same”. But doesn’t “Black” do the same? It doesn’t exactly hint at the myriad shades from cafe au lait to toffee to chocolate and ebony. 

If someone referred to me as “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” would I retort “I’m WHITE!”? When actually, “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” is a more accurate description of many “white” people’s skin colour? But what if “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” was an old fashioned term, and therefore associated with a time when abuse for “white” people was common? What then? Oh, I’m in a muddle. But I’m still not entirely convinced that it’s helpful for any of us when using an old-fashioned term without malice gets a headline “Racist!” response. 

Sorry I haven’t been very festive today. To cheer us all up, here is a picture of a black Santa. (I think it’s kind of bizarre and disturbing that only white kids get to see Santa with a skin tone that matches theirs.) Seeing Santa (not to mention God) as an old white man with a long white beard... it’s a bit unimaginative, isn’t it? 

❄❄❄Merry Christmas! ❄❄❄

✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰

And a convertible too... light blue....

Kindles also stop dogs from reading over your shoulder

I have a small substance abuse problem, and the substance is books. I can’t go past a book shop of any kind without popping in for a look around. It is rare that I'll emerge without yet another slightly musty paperback to add to the growing pile next to the bookcase (I’ve run out of actual shelf space).

I’m always excited to talk about books – I’ve never been part of a book club per se, but have an informal one with family and friends where we force-feed each other with books we’ve enjoyed. I’ll never forget the disappointment I felt when an acquaintance told me she was "really into books" and then ruined it all by saying "especially Jane Green"  (For the uninitiated, this is a bit like someone saying they’re really into film, and as you settle in for a chat about Truffaut and Bergman, or at the very least Spielberg and Cameron, they say "Yeah, I thought Transformers was brilliant. Megan Fox is my favourite actress of all time."

Of course, the obvious solution to the storage problem is to get a kindle – but, I reasoned, how dull to just buy my e-books from Amazon. Anyone can BUY a book. But hunting them down, out in the wild? That’s so much more fun. Checking out charity shops puts the thrill in the chase. 

What’s more, I slightly fetishise the books themselves. When I’ve finished a much-loved book, I find myself caressing the cover, or flicking through the pages to glimpse again the words which have brought me so much pleasure. I marvel at the fact that what is essentially a block of wood contains the treasures of time travel, poetry and characters as real as you and me. 

But then I made the mistake of borrowing someone else’s Kindle. I now NEED to have one. The sense of marvel increases at the thought that a small electronic device can contain 1,400 books. It’s so small and light that you can pretty much carry it around with you, ready to whip out at a moment’s notice (commercial breaks, lulls in conversation). You could quite possibly read it discreetly under your desk at work. It is ideal for cosy bedtime stories, as you can hold the kindle and “turn the page” with one hand.  (Am I the only person whose arms get cold if I don’t snuggle them under the covers? Turning pages has always been the only downside of reading in bed. Although it is also sometimes the only thing that will make me stop...) 

Kindles seems to be shaping up at this year’s must have, and I have already been drooling at the free books available... ooh, classics! (Although many other kindle editions will be more expensive than buying second-hand, so my shelves will not be made redundant anytime soon.)  Once you have your kindle, I’m not sure how anyone could “give” you books – I suppose the only way to do it and keep it a surprise would be to kidnap it and secretly get downloading? 

Santa, if you're listening: my Amazon wish list will tell you everything you need to know. And I’ve been a very good girl this year (mostly).

P.S. And if you could get the elves working on a waterproof version for those all-important bathtime reads, that would be great too. Thanks xx

TV: So much better than drugs

O hai David Attenborough nice to see you again

Has anyone else been watching Frozen Planet on BBC 1? Good old David Attenborough has been presiding over this spectacular series following the lives of polar bears, penguins and seals (oh my!)

It is one of those rare TV shows which makes the license fee seem worthwhile. I watch literally slack-jawed with amazement at the beauty of the landscapes and the incredible camera work. I have long thought that the cinematography in nature documentaries was the most stunning of all, and this programme is a perfect example. Why can’t every film be shot so beautifully? 

The work that goes into getting the shots doesn’t bear thinking about – and we get a taste of this in the ten minute behind-the-scenes segment at the end of each episode. The crew, sometimes consisting of only two people – camp out on snow, plunge into icy water, and float alarmingly close to hungry polar bears in order to get the perfect picture. Their dedication is incredible and I am profoundly grateful for their artistry and perfectionism, which I can enjoy from the comfort of my sofa. 

That is all.