The forgotten Steve Martin movies...

Here's another of my reviews over at Movie Cultists.

One of my favourite Steve Martin movies – why has nobody else ever seen it? Makes me sad!

I heart cheesy horror movies

Subliminal messages from Hollywood. Yo, teenagers! Phones are so dangerous!
You'd be better off without them –  especially in the classroom!

I've been at it again – here's another movie review. Dontcha just love a really bad film once in a while? (I'm not counting Tremors or Arachnaphobia. They are awesome films.)

The movie Hollywood doesn't want you to see...

Well, sort of. It doesn't get much publicity....

"This isn't Sweet'n'low...."

If you want to know why Swimming with Sharks is my favourite Kevin Spacey film of all time, you can read about it here. Enjoy.

How I learned to stop worrying and love being ill (with nothing to do but watch TV)

You know those days when all you can do is sleep?

So, I've been a bit poorly this week. What I thought was an allergy to fake fur (making caveman costumes, of course!) morphed seamlessly into a stinker of a cold. Symptoms aside, I realised that being ill isn’t all bad. You spend most of the time asleep, occasionally summoning the strength to read a few pages of a trashy novel. People bring you drinks and snacks on little trays. All in all, it's not unlike a tropical beach holiday, but without the inconvenience of sunburn or sand in your unmentionables. (I realise that the parents among you will be gnashing your teeth at this, as you don't have the option of long, languorous illnesses. Never mind; when your kids are big enough you can train them in the ways of the helper-monkey. Feel better?)

I did spend about a year of my young life being plagued with a glandular fever type virus, which seemed a pain at the time (what with all the being ill, the snooty letters from the school, and the teachers' manic assertions that I'd "never catch up") but I see now it was a massive blessing in disguise. It's the reason I spent hours and hours of my childhood watching Fawlty Towers, and The Good Life, and Some Like it Hot (still my all-time favourite film) and other classics featuring  Margaret Rutherford and and John Le Mesieur. It's the reason why I'm the only person my age who has ever admitted to recognising Richard Wattis or Will Hay. 

It has also proved invaluable in honing my telephone manner

I also take particular satisfaction in the fact that I got out of loads of really pointless work. That's right, Mrs Bing, I never did get around to making that model of a medieval village. The one that you insisted was crucial to my development, my school career and my very soul. Ha ha. 

When you're 8, who cares if you miss lots of school? Everything is repeated a million times anyway – I visited Mountfitchet bloody castle three times in roughly as many years.  As long as you can read and write, you'll still be ahead of most of your classmates. Actually, you'll be ahead of some of the university graduates I've met. (I actually know a teacher who writes with freewheeling disregard for spelling and grammar. He is teaching your children. Makes you want to retch, doesn't it?)

I don't mean any disrespect to teachers – I know several, and they do an amazing job – is there anything more important than educating the next generation? Not that I can think of. They are somewhat held back by a ridiculous amount of red tape, and the necessity of lesson plans for all the hypothetical geniuses or simpletons who aren't in the class, but could be. According to this story, teachers are now discouraged from alerting children to their spelling mistakes. I actually thought this had been par for the course for years now, judging by the inability of most young adults to spell really simple words. If you were deliberately trying to sabotage kids’ chances of ever getting a decent job, you couldn't come up with a better plan.

The one advantage of being confined to your sick bed is that you can catch up on the TV you missed while you were doing all the activities that left your immune system a weak shadow of its former self. I recalled the trailers for The Undateables as looking potentially mean and exploitative, but had read several reviews of how sweet and touching it was. If you missed it, please check it out – three episodes following the romantic escapades of people looking for love, hampered by special needs, disfigurements, and disabilities. I'm not saying there weren't hilarious moments – Shaine telling  his shy and silent date "You’re very bubbly, I like that" with absolute sincerity was comic genius. The characters in the documentary were memorable, fascinating and... magical. If you only watch one episode, make it the second one – if you can watch Justin's search for love without your heart breaking just a little, you might actually be dead inside. I wish this film could be shown in schools to remind kids that the people with Asberger’s or a lopsided face have the same thoughts, wishes and dreams as everybody else, and a little empathy goes a long way. 

I wanted to see if there were any updates on The Undateables, so I started reading the website – no news so far but what I found even more refreshing was the number of heartfelt, warm messages of encouragement from the public. It seems that trolls had no place in the comments section here, and my faith in humanity was restored.

Watching Louis Theroux's latest offering, Extreme Love, was a similarly moving experience. Like the parents of those with Asberger’s and Down's syndrome shown in The Undateables, those carers of kids with autism are gracious paragons of patience, kindness and unconditional love. Likewise the families affected by dementia – the wives who had to see husbands cavorting with other women in the care home (because they had no idea they were already married), the husband and child of a woman in her forties who was visibly embarrassed that she had forgotten how to draw a simple clock face. Apart from making me feel vaguely guilty that I don't work in some kind of worthy avenue such as this, the whole programme was a testament to the love that defies circumstances, and it reminded me why Louis is such a great interviewer – he will happily roll up his sleeves and get involved. It’s much easier when you get to go home after a day.

I'm so hungry I could eat a book

So I’m a little late to the party (ok, about 3 and a half years late) but I finally got round to reading The Hunger Games; I then lasted approximately 15 hours before I had to see the film too. (I have this thing, y'see, where I always have to read the book first. It’s movie OCD.)  

Even the title makes me think of food.

For those not in the know (people living under a rock / my parents) The Hunger Games is set in a dystopian future in which “Capitol” rules over the 12 unfortunate districts which are the remains of what was once known as the USA.

Citizens are controlled with a shortage of food and rebellion is strongly discouraged. Just in case anyone’s getting any ideas, they are kept in a culture of fear by the annual hunger games; 2 teenagers from each district are sent to battle to the death, gladiator style. The last survivor wins (duh), and the whole thing is televised. So it's like Big Brother / I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, but with instant death instead of the slow demise of appearing at G.A.Y and miming. It's also kind of like the classic Arnie / Stephen King combo Running Man. (It’s one of my faves and I mentioned it here.)

The internet has been ablaze with accusations of plagiarism because of the similarities between Suzanne Collin's Hunger Games and Koushon Takami's Battle Royale, published almost a decade earlier. (I haven't yet read this but comparing plots on Wikipedia, yes, it's the same book.) Like Stephanie Meyer claiming that she never read The Vampire Diaries or The Sookie Stackhouse / True Blood novels despite the striking similarities to our beloved Twilight stories, Suzanne Collins says she had never heard of the Japanese book. This may stretch credibility, but isn’t impossible. The idea of a televised battle to the death isn't the hardest idea to come up with, and the Big Brother-style spying as victims are picked off is almost becoming passé. With films like Kickass proving popular, it's logical that murderous kids will hold a particular fascination.

So, the book: read it. It won’t give you lines of epic beauty that you will want to write in a notebook because they’re so poetic and lovely, but it will keep you reading. I chomped this down in a day. The film? It’s better in some ways, inadequate in others. Jennifer Lawrence is spot on as Katniss – she’s believable as a hunter, protector and quick-thinking adversary. There have been complaints that she is "chubby" which is nonsensical – she does have round cheekbones which suggest she would still look like a bonny wee lass even if she was skeletal, but she is clearly fit and healthy. Bratty teenagers have been whining "But the whole point is that she's hungry – she would be thinner." Yes, the districts are starving, so I WILL NOT REST until I can source hundreds of anorexic and emaciated actors. I'm talking method, people! 

Here's the gigantic heifer you've heard so much about

Oddly, nobody makes any complaints about the boys being muscular or the general, adult population being normal-sized. The districts aren't starving anyway – there are bakeries and butchers, and others, such as Katniss and her best buddy Gale, go hunting to feed their families. If the Hunger Games participants were malnourished, the show would be over in a day, and where is the fun in that?

The rest of the casting is INSPIRED. Stanley Tucci is flawless as the game show host who conceals a kind heart under TV patter and bouffant hairstyles. Elizabeth Banks brings the vacuously selfish host Effie to vibrant life, and Woody Harrelson provides mentor Haymitch with more character and authenticity than the book would allow. I wasn’t sure about Josh Hutcherson as Peeta, (I had imagined someone more solid and phlegmatic, not the love child of Alex Winter and Alan Tudyk) but he grew on me as the film went on.

The trailer is probably better than the film in terms of swift storytelling; it also features Liam Hemsworth heavily although he gets barely 5 minutes of screentime in the film. I haven’t yet read the 2 sequels in the book franchise but I am guessing that they didn’t cast the hottie for a bit part.

Visually, the movie has a lot of fun with the Capitol folk – it reminded me of  Dangerous Liaisons or Amadeus; these are hedonistic, carefree people. When Lenny Kravitz appeared as the kind and protective Cinna, my first thought was "OF COURSE!" – he fits the bill perfectly. Imagine my astonishment when I read that his casting, and that of Amandla Stenberg as little Rue, was considered controversial because they’re black. You can read more about this at http://hungergamestweets.tumblr.com/, in which stupid people humiliate themselves by tweeting their surprise and disgust that "all the good characters are black". Much hilarity ensues when it's pointed out that Rue is actually described in the book as having dark brown skin, so IN YOUR FACE, suckas! But, wait... if Suzanne Collins had omitted that one little line of physical description, would Rue default to white anyway, leaving the casting director without a leg to stand on? Really????

Are we saying she's not CUTE enough?!

I've long believed that racism in movies will only be overcome if actors from all ethnicities are cast, with no changes to the script. If it doesn’t matter to the plot what race someone is, let's push the boat out and make them non-white! This film did exactly this and has been pilloried for it. In 20freaking12.This is slightly more depressing than a TV show about children killing each other.

(Because really, who are we kidding? If the Hunger Games existed, we’d totally watch it. The fact that Jerry Springer and Jeremy Kyle have TV shows is rock solid proof of that.)

Impeccable casting aside, the film does suffer a couple of flaws. There are small ones, such as the annoyingly uncommunicative flashbacks of Peeta giving Katniss burnt bread – if you've read the books, you'll know what's coming; if you haven’t, you may wonder what incredibly profound part of the story is being imparted. Also – I'm sorry, art director, but when you burn bread, it doesn’t leave half the loaf pale and the other half an incinerated lump of coal, with a neat line down the middle. I know you're trying to make sure we can see it's bread, but... that looked really, really stupid.

I thought director Gary Ross also blundered at the moment when Prim Everdeen is picked in the lottery of death. The book convincingly describes the paralysing shock that delays Katniss’s reaction, but by focusing instead on Prim, the long pause implies a good 60 seconds of thinking "Damn, my little sister got called. I wonder if I should volunteer to take her place, maybe? I guess I should. Ok – WAIT! I VOLUNTEER!" If we could have seen a shot of Katniss looking stunned, it might have helped convey the instant and uncompromising nature of her protectiveness towards her sister.

And one last niggle: I know it's a law that horror films have to feature dark nights because it's scarier than broad daylight, but in this case of the grand finale, it was hard to see what the hell was happening. Besides, certain engineered horrors are more hair-raising if you can actually see them clearly. 

How did this picture of a topless Lenny Kravitz get here? That has nothing to do with the film!

On the whole, the film covered all the bases and I look forward to reading and watching more. Not everyone was as enthusiastic; The Daily Mail proffered an article from a moron who was trying to jump on the Samantha Brick bandwagon by writing things so stupid that people would have no choice but to publicly ridicule her.

With the headline "Why I feel I'm a bad mother for taking my girls to The Hunger Games." Shona Sibary went on to explain why she actually is a pretty bad mother. She took her two daughters, aged 11 and 13, to see this film – apparently nothing in the "children battle each other to the death" description tipped her off that it may not be ideal viewing for a child who cries when somebody steps on a ladybird. (Ms Sibary worries about the film leaving her children with lasting emotional scars, it doesn’t occur to her than any of their classmates might read newspapers.)

Just like Jan Moir's take on New Moon she mixes in untruths with garbled hearsay. Firstly, it's not “targeted quite deliberately at young children," it's clearly aimed at teenagers. (There are clues to look out for; films aimed at young children often feature talking animals and they don’t tend to be rated 12A.)

Nor is it "dressed up as wholesome, family entertainment". Sibary opines "The first half-an-hour of the film lulls you into a false sense of security that this is nothing more than a skewed take on our modern-day obsession with televised, X Factor-style elimination games. But then the grotesque twist becomes apparent." What, the grotesque twist being the children fighting to the death? Like you saw in the trailer? That twist? 

I thought it was going to be all bunnies and talking deer!

She seems to have seen a different film from the one I saw; "At one point a young girl’s neck is ruthlessly snapped." (Ok, I don’t remember that at all, but maybe I wasn't paying attention.) "At another, a child has a spear skewered through her stomach." Yes, but you don’t actually see that. It's all done very carefully to stick to the 12A rating; you see a spear sticking out of a bloody torso. It’s no more gruesome than anything you’d see in one of those Sunday afternoon John Wayne films that we encourage kids to watch because they’re classics.

She goes on: "But perhaps even more gruelling is the gradual awareness that dawns on you that this is not a story about good overcoming evil. It’s about innocent children being forced to turn on each other and – against any received moral or human code – fight for themselves till the end. Like any decent parent, this is not a message I’m keen to expose my daughters to."

Wha...? Perhaps Sibary is not one for subtle moral messages in films. Did she miss Katniss volunteering her life in exchange for her sister’s? Or the part where she befriends one of the children she is meant to be fighting against? (This is partly because Rue reminds her of Prim, and partly because Katniss isn’t a mindless killer – even when her life depends on it.)

Actually, a strong theme in the film is that even in the arena, Katniss and Peeta are determined not to sink to the Capitol’s level – they must retain their integrity if they are to remain “themselves”. Shona Sibary, try reading Man's Search For Meaning (Victor Krankl) if this concept is something you've never heard of. This film is deeper than you think.

Passive Aggressive Pop: The New Frontier

So the other day I was sitting around in my pyjamas watching music videos (I work in the industry! It’s RESEARCH) and was somewhat taken aback by the opening lines of One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. The song, which won the 2012 Brit award for Best single, begins "You're insecure...." and goes on to tell the unfortunate female that she's attractive, because she thinks she isn't. Apparently the number one trait that 15-year-old boys look for in girls is low self esteem. If you want to bag a mini pop star, ladies, just "smile at the ground".

Maybe Harry got annoyed at her for being too darn happy and confident.

Bruno Mars had a huge hit with Just the Way You Are; ostensibly a really sweet, romantic song about thinking his girlfriend is perfect. "I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me, and it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see...." It is sad, Bruno, and we appreciate the effort you're making here. But isn't it also sad that a million squealing girls can so easily relate to lyrics about a girl who hates her own laugh?

It's a bit like those magazine spreads which show pictures of celebrities on their fat / ugly days. It's meant to make us feel better: "See how awful they look! Not so perfect without the airbrushing!" but actually, it's just a toxic message which basically points out that, even if you look amazing 99% of the time, you can never be good enough.

Songwriters may think they're benefiting the youngsters listening to these lyrics; "You're insecure? Even girls who date superstars are insecure!" but it just makes it seem NORMAL to hate yourself. Teenagers generally don't need anyone's help to do that.

At least some lyricists are trying to be constructive. In contrast, a N.E.R.D track features Pharrell's description of a woman with "Nice long hair, Nice ass lips, I know insecure, When I pointed out the size of her hips." Which is lovely, isn't it? What a gentleman.

If neg hits aren't your thing, you might enjoy the other end of the spectrum – all the biggest female names have had great success telling fans they're pretty much flawless. You could see this as a cynical attempt to cash in on the self-doubt of the young, but at least they're trying to have a positive impact, rather than telling kids "Stay anxious! It makes boys like you!" 

India Arie was doing it years ago with Video. 
"My worth is not detemined by the price of my clothes," indeed.

Christina Aguilera told us "You are beautiful, no matter what they say," Lady Gaga created an anthem for "the religion of the insecure" with Born This Way. Pink points out "you're so mean when you talk about yourself," before pleading with us to believe that we're perfect. Katy Perry gets in on the act, telling us "You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine" in Firework. Kelly Clarkson has made a career out of power anthems, the most recent being What Doesn't Kill You (Makes You Stronger), and Jessie J assures us that "tears don't mean you're losing" and "It's ok not to be ok" in Who You Are.

Some people blame lyrics like this for the kind of entitlement freaks who turn up on audition shows with their self-belief set in stone. However, I would suggest that over the top "I'm brilliant, me!" proclamations never come from a deep sense of self-assuredness. If you're ever "accidentally " channel hopped over to "Snog Marry Avoid" you'll have noticed that every make-up plastered, drag queen-esque female who starts off by saying "I look great, I don't care if you think I look like a skank" will, within minutes, say that she doesn't want to scrape off the slap because she thinks she's ugly. It happens every.single.time. (So don't tell me that trash TV isn't a brilliant school for human behaviour, because it's very nearly an open university psychology degree.)

In other news, may I just say that I find Tulisa's video for Young irritates me, with its shameless promotion of her fragrance "The Female Boss." I find it unbelievably sad that a 23-year-old woman would come up with this name, obviously still stuck in the 1950s mindset that if she'd just called it "The Boss" that would mean "male boss" by default. Because female bosses are just SO unusual! Get with the programme, love.

We can see you're female. Now start bossing and salute no-one!

Day of the Dolphin

We all know dolphins are extraordinarily intelligent, don't we? If you had any doubt, watching BBC1's "Super Smart animals" will have re-educated you. (It also demonstrated that chimps are a whole lot faster than we are when it comes to certain tasks (the nonchalance of the chimp doing a near-impossible memory game has to be seen to be believed) and some birds are insanely clever; they know physics and stuff. Watch it now and you'll see what I mean...)

Anyway, scientists have now decided that dolphins are too smart to be considered animals (so Border Collies can't be far behind). Dr Thomas White (author of In Defense of Dolphins: The New Moral Frontier) said “dolphins should be regarded as “non-human persons” and valued as individuals."

Dolphins actually have MORE spindle cells – the nerve cells controlling empathy – in their brains than we do. So basically, if you were to start watching Free Willy with a dolphin, he would start crying before you did. 

Dolphins hang out together in pods which evolve constantly (a bit like friendship groups at school). They use their echolocation (sonar) to read each other, and detect other dolphins' emotions. Scientists get very sniffy when you start talking about animals having emotions... But they would be the first to jump down your throat if you suggested that humans were in any way different from other mammals – we are the naked apes, after all. So – duh – obviously if we can have emotions, so can other animals. Silly scientists.

For all their empathy, dolphins aren't the angels we sometimes expect them to be. They also bully, kill and rape each other; lovely. However, we adore their cheeky grins and mischievous ways, and swimming with dolphins is often cited as the number one "thing to do before you die". Their echolocation, when applied to people, actually produces alpha brain waves – the kind of relaxation that occurs when you are meditating or doing something you love and totally lose track of time. There is even some evidence that being "scanned" by a dolphin can affect biological tissue – hence the physical healings that can allegedly occur when people take a dip with a dolphin. 

There is a school of thought that we are actually more closely related to dolphins that we imagine. The Aquatic Ape Theory (AAT) was first put forward by marine biologist Alister Hardy in 1960, but has been popularised by writer Elaine Morgan. Apparently there are some uncanny similarities between humans and sea creatures – here we go: 

• The fact that a baby will instinctively hold his breath when dunked under water (probably best if you don't try this at home, folks). 

•  We are mostly hairless, like many aquatic mammals, and the hair we do have runs in the direction you would expect for a streamlined swimmer. Also, women's hair grows like crazy in pregnancy and they rarely suffer from baldness, suggesting that babies might use their mother's hair to hang onto. (Yes, they are pushing it a bit with this idea, but it kind of makes sense...)

• Unlike the flat noses of the chimps and gorillas, we have a downward pointing nose which helps to keep the nostrils free of water when diving. Proboscis monkeys also have noses shaped like this (to be more specific, they have noses shaped like Jimmy Durante's) and they are frequent swimmers in the watery forests where they live. With the help of nose clips (probably not around millions of years ago) we humans can close our nostrils completely, although seals can do it all by themselves. Kudos to them!

•  Marine mammals, birds and reptiles "cry" when they are releasing salt – but they also do this when they get a bit emotional – fighting, feeding, that sort of thing. One of the objections put to the AAT is that "lots of animals weep because of emotions".  Um, WHA...? That news actually makes me want to boohoo a little bit myself.  Poor Indian elephants.

• Humans have a lot more fat cells than any primate; Elaine Morgan says "There are two kinds of animals which tend to acquire large deposits of fat – hibernating ones and aquatic ones. In hibernating mammals the fat is seasonal; in most aquatic ones, as in humans, it is present all the year round." Also, our subcutaneous fat is bonded to the skin, like it would be in a dolphin or seal, and unlike the kind of fat found in land mammals. 

There's more: the very slight webbing we have between our fingers (which apes apparently lack) and our sebaceous glands' ability to produce waterproofing oil. Then there is the theory that humans have problems with back and joint pain because walking on two legs on land puts more strain on the body than our "natural" methods of swimming and occasionally wading. (No other land mammal habitually walks upright – although plenty of them can. Ever seen the funny dogs on youtube?)

Of course, there are some rational, sensible reasons for the apparent similarities between humans and aquatic animals, just check out http://www.aquaticape.org/  but I still think it's an interesting idea. And I have no doubt that we are only just beginning to scratch the surface of what dolphins are capable of. I just hope we can keep them on our side.