Strictly X factor...

Stop being such spoilsports, you mean old judges! She's having fun, and he deserves a medal.

Generally, people are either fans of The X Factor OR Strictly Come Dancing – and you can usually hazard a guess at which way the cookie crumbles, just the way you could pretty much tell which girls in your class would have Barbies and which would be Sindy fans. Much as I hate to say this, as I am firmly in The X Factor camp, this is the slightly chavvier option. While we guffaw at mentally ill people trying to sing, the swankier folk have switched channels, where "Strictly" as we must call it, epitomises the Beeb's very own brand of light entertainment.

X Factor does have more star power – compare Katy Perry, The Black Eyed Peas and Nicole Scherzinger with "Hello" regulars such as Gavin Henson and Patsy Kensit. There were some genuine big names (not least Michelle Williams, one third of Destiny's child) but for some reason the tabloids preferred to concentrate on the C-listers.

As I write, the nation is gripped by controversy as both shows feature a "joke" contestant who just won't go away.....Ann Widdecombe is having the time of her life tangoing with Anton du Beke, while Wagner is butchering lyrics in between sleazing all over the makeup artists (yes, showbiz is a small world... I hear things). Oddly, I have disparate views on the two anti-heroes. While people are calling for Widdy to back down, she is refusing and I say, good for her! This is democracy in action – and if the BBC don't want un-co-ordinated frumps to win, they shouldn't have them in the show. The viewing public will vote how they like and all the judges' snidey put-downs will not change that.

However, over in the X Factor world, I feel affronted that Wagner has managed to cling on for so long; the situation is now teetering between "Well, it was funny for a while," and "Let's bring in a sniper". Perhaps it is a fix (it's hard to imagine anyone repeating the success of Jedward if Louis Walsh wasn't involved somewhere). But here is the thing; Ann Widdecome is in a silly, fun contest which is designed to find out which celebrity can prance about in the way that is most surprising and impressive to the general public. Wagner is actually preventing more talented singers from getting further in a competition which could transform their lives.

We all benefit when unknowns make it – instead of relying wholly on record execs, we get a say in who rises to the top. Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, our own Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke, Amanda Jensen (super talented Swede) and my fave, Kelly Clarkson,  all emerged from Idol shows. And this is why I've always been a sucker for a talent contest. They make perfect fodder for water cooler conversation and can change somebody's life. It's what television is FOR.

Tis more blessed to give than to receive....

Feel the burn, Arnie style. Or just reward yourself after a
 hard day's shopping with a pleasingly rubbish film. 

It may feel early to be talking about Christmas – I hate those reminders that it's only x days to go (34 today!) but as I am the most organisationally challenged person in the world, I thought I could help my similarly time / motivation-poor brethren with a timely reminder that actually, 34 days isn't very long....

That's the trouble, isn't it? We're so used to being bombarded with tinsel and Rudolf deelyboppers from September onwards that we get lulled into a false sense of "Christmas is ages away!" security until it's suddenly December 20th and the shops are like a glimpse into the seventh circle of hell.

I am lucky in that my family has adopted a foolproof scheme – we all buy our own presents. This may be unsentimental, but it does mean that we all get what we want. (I've taken the attitude that commercialisation is part of Christmas, so we might as well make it work for us.)

Assuming that your family takes a less mercenary view of presents, the next best thing is the wishlist. (I have about ten on Amazon, all carefully categorised. Nerdy, but necessary.)

Where to Go:

For stress free shopping, Amazon is always my first port of call – it's generally the cheapest choice for music, books and DVDs (although it's worth checking out play.com, greenmetropolis.com, and Asda and Tesco's websites for a price comparison). It also sells pretty much everything else, including jewellery, toys, gardening equipment, furniture, food and clothes. (They are taking over the world, I tell you!) The joy of doing all your Christmas shopping with a few clicks of the mouse (either lounging about in your pyjamas, or sneakily, in quiet moments at work) is enjoyably smug-making. And there is no lugging heavy bags all the way home, overheating in shops or being stuck in car park traffic.

My second favourite website to shop at is etsy.com. This fantastic site (better known in the US although it's gaining ground rapidly on this side of the pond) features goodies made by individuals; meaning you can magnanimously contribute to someone's kitchen business – how's that for seasonal cheer? You can choose from jewellery, clothes, furnishings, and paintings, among many others. The variety and homemade-ness guarantees you'll find something a little bit different from the norm.

Magazines always urge you to make your own presents, because apparently people love them so much. Which is all very nice, but in the past when I've had lofty ambitions to make gorgeous boxes of homemade fudge wrapped in satin ribbons, or sequin-encrusted accessories, I have ended up stressed, and with a tighter schedule, messier house and lighter purse than I would have if I'd just bunged a CD in a bag. Plus, I don't think people are generally as appreciative of homemade presents as you might expect. I'm sure they realise the effort you've put into it, but who wants a bag of reindeer biscuits when they were expecting a Spooks box set?

(Having said that, for the last two years I've make my mum and dad a calendar each – with pictures from icanhascheezburger.com as they are both suckers for a cute furry face. However, the making of these calendars has largely taken place late on Christmas Eve / the early hours of Christmas morning. One year, they were allowed to admire their gifts but not touch them, as the glue was still drying. Of course, this year will be different...)

Internet shopping has many advantages (not least generally lower prices) but there are drawbacks. One major problem is the time it takes to be delivered – sometimes you need something RIGHT NOW. Here are a few of my favourite shops:

* If you can face the likes of Oxford Street (sometimes I like to test myself, just to see if I really do have the necessary nerves of steel) Paperchase on Tottenham Court road will be full of inspiring ideas.

* Vinmag.com is a shop in Soho which sells fantastic movie posters, t-shirts, and all manner of things you never knew you needed, such as a "Bates motel" soap dish or a Wizard of Oz tea towel. The website has a limited selection of stock, so shopping for a movie buff may require a trip to the Big Smoke.

* Heals – hideously expensive, but you can check it out then steal their ideas. One of my favourites was a transparent plastic case, filled with lots of different sweeties in compartments. It cost about £30. The same effect could be achieved a Hobbycraft storage box and penny sweets.

What to Get:

You know all this already – but if you're in panic mode and your mind has gone blank:

* DVD Box sets: A series of must have TV (True Blood, 24, Dexter, etc) or movies. Would anyone in their right mind be disappointed in a lovely set of classic Hepburn / Bogart / Cagney films? Or you could also get the latest, "re-mastered, commentary and documentary with knobs on" DVD of a favourite film they've seen lots of times...

* CDs: Taste in music is a very personal thing, but here is where an Amazon wishlist is invaluable.

* If a member of the family is a big fan of any particular film or TV show – from Dora the Explorer to The Godfather – there will be plenty of accessories to be found – Ebay is my favourite place to find bargains.

* Experiences: OK, so it's less exciting to unwrap, but you could get a voucher for something lovely like a day at a spa, or even a zoo experience (being a keeper for a day or hanging out with the elephants). A word of caution: make sure the recipient actually wants the experience you're offering them (ie don't use this as a means of manipulating your family members; your mum is not going to want to go skydiving just because you've bought her a voucher for it).

* That old cliché, bath products, is a mixed bag. If your loved one is a fan of Lush – well, a gift box or personalised bag of favourites is a sure winner. Likewise, if Lush is a bit full-on for their tastes, there are plenty of ethically minded, goats milk and oatmeal type soapy products (see etsy!). But those generic, bubble bath and body lotion sets you see in Boots? Nope. They are suitable only as joke gifts, as in "See how much thought I *snigger* put into your gift this year."

* You have to be pretty confident that you know someone's taste before you buy them items of clothing or jewellery. (In fact, being confident doesn't necessarily mean you are right – several times my family / friends have proclaimed "I had to get this! It's SO YOU!" while presenting me with something extremely pink and sparkly. Which I would have LOVED... when I was 12.) But you could try something like gloves, a scarf, or the classic: socks. (Hey, we always need more of them!) Last year I got some fluffy slipper boots. They may be chavtasitic, but they have kept my tootsies warm all year and have been brilliantly useful.

* Cath Kidston (online and in stores nationwide) is full of lovely, vintage style fabrics, purses, towels, etc. (Warning: if you like the sound of this, only look if you have cash to splash.... you'll only be torturing yourself otherwise.)

* If all else fails, wine and chocolates. It's so trendy to be vegan / gluten intolerant / fairtrade these days, that you should be able to find something to please everybody.

Buying for Children:

No doubt advertising will have got to them and there will be a "must have" toy this year, hyped up solely to manipulate those unfortunate parents who will end up weeping at the empty shelves of Toys R Us. Or perhaps you have been nagged for a wii / wii accessories for the last 6 months? Here are a few other ideas:

* Books books books! No matter what age group you are buying for, books are such a wonderful investment; I cannot recommend them enough. Even if they are disdainfully tossed aside on Christmas morning, there may be a rainy Sunday a few months later when that paperback suddenly becomes riveting. And I sometimes want to buy young children's books purely for the beautiful illustrations.

* www.insectlore.com sells eco-aquariums; you can learn about frogs, breed butterflies and hatch your own praying mantis. (Only give these if mum and dad are happy for creepy crawlies to join the family...)

* When shopping for small girls, Claire's accessories is a veritable orgy of pink, glittery, Hello Kitty goodness.

* Hawkins bazaar (www.hawkin.com) sells a fantastic range of stocking fillers for children and adults. It is really quite brilliant, with all those classic toys you had forgotten about – rubiks cubes, slinkies, and etcha sketch. (Am I taking you back to your childhood yet?)

* Again, chocolate (especially in Christmassy shapes like Santas and reindeer) will always be a winner.

The Shopping Itself

* They may seem hellish but malls are the best way to go. For one thing, you won't have to take an umbrella or keep taking your coat off. In fact, my No. 1 TOP TIP is to go without a coat; wear just a thin t-shirt. (I'm assuming you can actually drive and park at said mall.) Getting overheated and panicky in stuffy, packed shops is what makes the whole experience uncomfortable; being cool and calm and not having to carry a bulky jacket will make the day so much more palatable.

* Within an hour of the shops opening or closing are the best times to shop without crowds (with the notable exception of 5pm on Christmas eve).

* Wear comfortable shoes – duh.

* Use the lightest handbag you can manage.

* Shop on a full stomach. Hunger pangs and the subsequent headache make me *Very. Irritable. Indeed.* Queues and braindead shop assistants will only exacerbate the situation.

* Little and often may be more convenient, (especially if you live or work nears a good set of shops) or you might prefer to just get it over with in one long, tiring day (although you may find you quite enjoy it once you get going).

One last tip: See as many family members AFTER Christmas as you can, that way you can delay shopping for them. The shops may be heaving again in January but at least you might get some bargains. Good luck!

This one's for the labbies....

I'm not scared of skeletons, because I have one inside me :-)

Happy Halloween everyone!

It seems appropriate today to pay homage to my favourite company in the world – Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. For the uninitiated, they are an independent perfume company based in LA. How could a mere perfume company invade my life so? Let me explain...

I first came across the website in the year of its birth, 2004, and was overwhelmed by the range of scents (which has now surely quadrupled in volume). It may seem odd – who buys PERFUME on the internet, without sniffing it first? Crazy people, that’s who. But my fellow Bpallers (aka the forumites) have turned out to be the most interesting, intelligent, knowledgeable, quirky bunch I have ever come across in one (virtual) place. We are also very spoilt, in that Elizabeth Barrial, the genius behind the olfactory creations, takes an active part in conversations.

Before discovering BPAL, I barely knew the names of any flowers, and I don't think I'd even heard of ambergris (much less where it came from). I was scent illiterate. Being into perfume seems to “trained” my nose to be more sensitive, which can have its downside, (especially on public transport); unless others around you have some nose skills, your perfume may be underappreciated. It’s a running joke on the forums that the most complex, evocative, and sophisticated scents will inevitably draw compliments likening them to either baby powder or incense.

Of course, everyone’s noses – and chemistries – are different. To me, saffron smells like wee, booze turns rancid and several scents which seem universally popular with other Bpallers smell like nail varnish or old glue on me. Equally there are some scents which I may only indulge in when in the privacy of my own home; I love the delicious, warm, rum-and-lime-cookies scent of Mr Nancy – an oil inspired by the character from Neil Gaiman‘s Anansi Boys. However, being able to pick out the subtleties of the notes is no consolation when you are doomed to smell like curry to the uneducated noses of your colleagues.

The company also exudes a generosity of spirit; ok, so they tempt us with “limited editions” which we will hoard (the alternative is haunting Ebay for that must-have bottle) but they also send a generous amount of freebies out with each order – not only “imps” of the perfume, but pens and postcards too. As a business model, I must admit I admire the “free sample” option as opposed to the tired old “3 for 2” you get at your local department store. It suggests that the proprietor actually has faith in their products – try it once, and you’ll love it forever.

And love them you will... All other perfumes seem chemically and tinny in comparison. There is a massive variety, not only scent-wise (from delightfully dark, gloopy, foody concoctions to the lightest of Carribean breezes) but in terms of the concepts involved. I have learned about lady pirates, the book of Revelation, a million myths and legends, fairy tales I had long forgotten, and literature I had never heard of, thanks to the ever-changing inspirations behind the company. BPAL makes me realise how under-educated I am, while inspiring me to learn more. (Not to mention feeling more intelligent just for knowing that Dana O'Shee isn't a person...) I could browse the site for hours, reading poems, trying to commit every Greek legend to memory and wishing I had read more of Shakespeare.

The current Halloweenie scents are available until late November, and the Yules have just been released – comprising some old favourites as well as those based upon this year's themes; A Christmas Carol and The Nutcracker. Have moicy! My credit card gently weeps...

Candy and costumes? My kind of festival....

I grew up in a Christian family in the 1980s, a time when aromatherapy was feared, Child's Play was considered a video nasty, and acupuncture was the work of the devil. (Actually if you ask a Baptist, they would probably confirm that these are indeed gateways to hell.) Naturally, Halloween was deemed the very height of this worldly love of all things occult. (Of course, these days we also have Harry Potter.) 

I think many Christians have by now accepted the festival as a necessary “evil”. (In the US it has long been considered a harmless staple of the season by even the most God-fearin' folks.) But there's still a tendency among churches to throw “anti-Halloween” parties (with the enticing essentials of every Christian party: quiche and orange squash).

Is this really necessary? I find it kind of sad that so many Christians are so scared of everything. Yes, you should be on your guard against being be sucked into a non-Christian way of life. However, I don’t see Christians having "anti-porn parties," or publicly boycotting unethical companies – arguably far more harmful lures to the easily led. So why the obsession that we are all going to be converted over to the dark side?

Wiccans celebrate Samhain, which is considered to be the time of year when “the veil thins” between this world and the supernatural. As a festival of “darkness”, it’s balanced at the opposite point of the wheel by the spring festival of Beltane (a celebration of light and fertility).

The following day is considered by the church to be the Day of All Souls – in which we can pray for those who have departed, and who knows, maybe they'll pray for us too. In a similar vein, Mexican Catholics celebrate Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). This involves making altars to honour dead relatives, with offerings of candy, flowers and their favourite foods. Maybe I’m turning into an emo in my old age, but this seems to me rather sweet. 

Halloween isn’t going to go away – in fact, its presence in the UK is increasing every year. So why don’t we just embrace it? In fact, if we take control now we can totally hijack it. Everyone complains that Christians nicked Yule, so we might as well just go for the full monty of pagan festivals – it’s already been commercialised beyond all recognition. Nobody said it has to be dark and disturbing. We can either use it to actually honour the dead – and our spirituality – or we can just eschew any spiritual aspect and turn it into the festival of dressing up and eating sweets. (In the US it's long been the tradition that the costume you wear can be anything that takes your fancy – while we're still lagging behind with rubber scream masks and severed hands.) In years to come, historians might be saying “Halloween was once considered to be a celebration of all that was occult and evil, then in the eary 21st century some Christians stole it..."

I Heart Music

Even cats like playing the piano. If you don't believe me, check out Youtube...

Louis Walsh, that expert of the backhanded compliment (“You are a Soulful. Little. Man.”) has perfectly encapsulated the attitude to music that I find the most foolish and pretentious. 

“Music was my big thing, my escape. It’s my passion. Simon’s not a music man like I am. He probably never listens to Bruce Springsteen . . . probably thinks he’s a painter. I love everything from Bruce to Elvis Costello, and Tammy Wynette to Dusty Springfield. I love Dusty. I’ve got 22,000 songs on my iPod.”

Wow. That is some crazy mixture, Louis. I mean, your taste ranges from, well, one incredibly famous singer to another, doesn’t it? You big doofus.

Actually, I think we're living in a particularly interesting musical era right now. The internet has paved the way for anyone to get themselves heard, with or without a record contract. And who would take on the restrictive shackles offered by a cigar-chomping record company executive, if they can sell directly to their fans and have total artistic freedom? 

There is still a quality divide between the “commercial” crap which gets the most airplay and the “alternative” (eg, good quality) music which is rarely heard outside of BBC Radio 6 (my brother is also nagging me to listen to Craig Charles’ funk and soul show, insisting that the minute I do, I will be kicking myself for not doing it earlier.) However, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at what actually gets airplay these days – the delicate strains of Rumer alongside the folksy Mumford and sons. Quality IS coming back into fashion. 

Anyway, in praise of all the fantastic music that is available today, here is my list of “songs I listen to obsessively.” (And may I also offer a sincere prayer of thanks for Spotify? Best. Invention. Evah.)

• Trespassers William: Lie in the Sound. Proof, if it were needed, that you don’t need to do any vocal gymnastics to produce a heart-achingly beautiful sound. This gentle song apparently featured in One Tree Hill – I don’t indulge, but maybe I should. (I also find a lot of the music I like appears on the soundtrack albums for Grey’s Anatomy, so maybe I should start watching that too...?)

• Moxy Fruvous: My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors. Like Vampire Weekend’s Oxford Comma, this song has the ability to make me smile and possibly jig about a little bit, space allowing. It’s irresistibly tuneful and fun and needs to be heard in full to be appreciated. Anyone who can work a lyric like “Who's a funny fella? – W.P. Kinsella!” into a song which is also musically satisfying is onto a winner.

• Tuneyards: Lions. I have no idea why I love this song so much, but I do. There is something vaguely hypnotic about the slowly shuffling beat and the nonsensical lyrics. (The chorus is just a repetition of “When you tell the lions that you love them so, you love them so, you love them so ...” ) I also like the way the lyrics veer off course and flow into an entirely different rhythm – strangely, it works. I’m a bit of a sucker for songs which sounds as if they’re expressing something beautiful, but a closer listen to the lyrics reveals a darker heart. (I was once obsessed for a couple of months by the sinister lyrics on the sweetly sung If You Go Breaking My Heart  by the excellent Danish band Hush.

• Roisin Murphy: Ruby Blue This catchy tune will get stuck in your head forever – so why have I never heard it on a dancefloor? Distorted guitars and handclaps sound simple, but combine to electrifying effect....OK, you just have to hear it for yourself.

• Wallis Bird: The Sunshine Song – if you can avoid tapping your toes when listening to this, you may be made of stone. It is indeed full of the musical equivalent of sunshine, sparkles and rainbows.

• She Keeps Bees are a band which sound like The Black Keys, but with a female vocalist who sounds a bit like Sia, if Sia had been raised in the deep South, pouring Bourbon over her cornflakes and spending all her time coming up with interesting  vocal arrangements. The 2009  album is consistently awesome, but I am particularly partial to Gimme.

• I’m also a little bit obsessed by Sol Seppys entire The Bells of 1 2 album. For me it conjures up slightly spooky images of hillsides sparkling with snow, a starry sky and creatures of myth and fairytale. I also like the way you can hear her London accent in her singing, much like the wonderful, woefully under-publicised VV Brown.

• Emiliana Torrini: Jungle Drum makes it onto my “obsessive” list – it’s an impossibly infectious, unique track which is guaranteed to lift your spirits. It’s not often somebody actually vocalises the sound of a drum. Listen and you’ll see what I mean... 

Ah, there are many more, and the list grows every day. And the next time an elderly member of your family insists that there is no current music to rival the 1950s/60s/70s, just smile and play them one of these.

I'm strictly a female female....

Apparently being a feminist means being unattractive or aggressive, or possibly both.

I am in two minds today. The culprit? Jessie J, that lovechild of Lily Allen and Lady Gaga, who has been dominating the airwaves with Do it Like a Dude. My problem with this track is that to me, it smacks of the pseudo-feminism which appears to argue that men are superior beings and women must try to be just like them.

The young lady in question has stated that the lyrics are about "male egos in the music industry", explaining that it was "tongue-in-cheek but also a middle finger up. Women can do whatever the big men in suits do who take themselves so seriously. It's an empowerment song."

Actually, I feel pretty empowered already.  Of course women can do all the stuff men can do (duh). But why would we want to?

She isn't the first to suggest imitating men as a way of "becoming" their equals. P!nk has one of the best voices in the business and is incredibly talented – but she, er, dropped the ball when she ended her Stupid Girls video with a clear choice; Sindy dolls bad, playing sport good. Because, well, boys play a lot of sport. And as it's traditionally girls who play with dolls, naturally they must be scrapped immediately. (Was there also a little irony in the fact that to parody bimbos writhing around in their underwear, she had to writhe around in her underwear…?) Despite this, I do applaud her for ridiculing the lack of political ambition among girls who end up "dancing next to 50 cent," and for generally making promos with a sense of humour – about herself as well as everything else.

Luckily I have no desire to start wearing my jeans halfway down my bum, or joining in rugby club initiations involving puke, or any other traditionally male pursuits,  in order to fulfil some sort of bizarre politically correct ideal. If you disagree, you may want to consider joining pinkstinks.co.uk. It is (don't laugh) a group which campaigns to stop girls buying pink toys. I am over-simplifying of course, but you get the gist. This is odd to me because a) surely it would be more "empowering" to allow your daughter to choose whatever colour she likes, b) pink has only been considered a "girl's" colour for about 70 years and c) I'd have thought that for those raising a daughter in 2010, her liking the colour pink would be the least of your problems.  Displacement activity, anyone?

However, in the research for this mini-rant I came across something which made me want to say "Please disregard every bad thing I ever said about Jessie J." Once I had heard the acoustic version – I was floored. In comparison, the production of the radio release doesn't even begin to do justice to her vocal talent. The girl is freaking incredible. A star is born.

RIP Norman

Norman Wisdom: Frighteningly talented man

We all knew it had to happen sometime, but I for one am feeling very sad about the loss of Sir Norman Wisdom; after a childhood (and beyond) spent enjoying his antics on celluloid, the world feels a little colder without his raucous cries of "Mr Grimsdale!"

Oddly, his celebrity hasn't quite reached many of my peers. It's not "cool" to like him, the way it might be to profess undying fandom to Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton. (Actually, in some circles it's not cool to like anything made before 1970, but let’s face it, those people are deeply weird.)

Somehow Norman's comic genius has gone unnoticed – maybe because he made it look so effortless. We all just assumed he really WAS that little chap with the too-small suit and wonky cap. The truth is, he was one of those annoying people who are fantastic at everything they try. (He became adept at singing, dancing, acting, and seven or eight musical instruments.) It's not surprising that he managed to work his way up to superstardom from a seriously impoverished background and miserable childhood (the perfect example of a disadvantaged background not always resulting in a miserable bugger of an adult).

Like all comedic actors, he was beloved by the public and unappreciated by critics, his skills only gaining recognition when he tried his hand at drama in later years. The funny thing is, he had ALWAYS been a consummately professional actor. Whether he was playing a pathos-inducing underdog, a camp Italian hairdresser, a confident businessman, or a victim of hypnosis who believes himself to be a toddler, he was never anything but completely convincing. He also did his own (unbelievable) stunts such as speeding down the stairs on a wheelchair, bursting through a wall and landing on a speeding ambulance – before being shot off the roof and back into hospital via a window.

Charlie Chaplin described him as his favourite comedian. Jerry Lewis, the Hollywood-ised version of Norman, appears to be a pale imitation (in my humble opinion) and he “borrowed” some of Norman’s repertoire. (He did! He did!) You can also see Norm's influence in nail-biting physical comedy such as Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em, in which Michael Crawford’s famous roller-skating scene echoed a similar set up from Trouble in Store (Norm's first major film). Norman had actually turned down the Frank Spencer role because the humour was too lavatorial for his squeaky-clean image.

As well as being at the top of his game professionally, it seems that Mr Wisdom was simply a very lovely man. When his wife left him for another suitor, he left the USA and returned to England to take care of his children, thus missing out on numerous work opportunities. In his later years he retired to the Isle of Man, but voluntarily paid the full British tax rate.

In short, there are comedians courting fame now who aren't fit to lick his boots. (Oh Frankie Boyle, when the name of your show involves a threat to punch people in the face, one can only assume it is a pre-emptive strike. I know of few things that would be so satisfying and irresistible for me, you unfunny cretin.)

Unlike those who reek of desperation and whose only hope for publicity is shock value, Mr Wisdom had the ability to cause tears of laughter with his facial expressions alone. He also had an element of unpredictability that makes you wonder if his manager often woke up in cold sweats; he had a particular penchant for jumping out at members of the royal family to surprise them. There are not many people who have both the opportunity and the inclination to be so cheeky, or ever so slightly bonkers.

Sir Norman, we salute you.