Hot off the press!

Here are the latest reviews I've written over at The Digital Fix:

Birds of Chicago weirdly enough, I had both JT & the Clouds and Po'Girl stuff saved in a random Spotify playlist (I just add everything I come across in case it turns out to be amazing, which is why I have several totally disorganised, sprawling playlists). I actually prefer both of them separately, but I did enjoy the joint effort.

And if you like folk music? Give Heidi Talbot a go!

Beautiful Liar...?

Disclaimer: I am a huge fan of Queen Bey, but I'm also cynical about the celebrity culture which demands that singers must also be writers, producers, dress designers, perfumiers etc etc. Elvis Presley just got up and sang, after all...

So, the truth is out: Beyoncé's spectacular performance at the President's inauguration was a big ol' mime. It's not really a big deal – even Aretha Franklin said (between giggles) that "for most singers that is just not good singing weather". (It's just a tiny bit awkward that fellow performer Kelly Clarkson did a stellar live job, then.)

A visibly rattled Beyoncé was called upon to explain herself at a press conference and did so with aplomb, first singing the song again (just to prove that she could) and then defending her reasons for faking; she's a perfectionist, she didn't have enough time to rehearse with the orchestra, and after all, it was about the President. Ain't no room for errors!

We know Beyoncé is no auto-tuned amateur – the video below proves that not only is she stunning to look at without the help of airbrushing, she also has an incredible voice (and range) without the aid of backing tracks. But what grates more than the lipsyncing is the disingenuous way she did it. Jezebel led the accolades for the highlight of her performance: "She tears out her earpiece mid-song and proceeds perfectly like it's no big thing. What a pro." This dramatic move is what made the performance a "lie" – Bey was essentially implying that her pitching skills are at almost superhuman levels when she "proved" that she didn't need to hear herself in order to hit every note perfectly.

 

Mrs Carter has been the subject of controversy more than once; from the beginning of her career, there have been (unfounded) rumours that she’s really much older than she appears. (Probably because nobody believed that any 16-year-old could be that preternaturally talented and self-assured.) More recently, there have been clamours that her "songwriting" consists of changing a word or two of existing songs before claiming a writing credit. And of course, she was never really pregnant.

Our fame-obsessed society seems to be cynical and utterly credulous in equal parts; we'll believe any crazy story if it fits in with our "celebrities live in a different reality" mindset. For instance, I understand why Beyoncé might be under suspicion for not carrying her own child. A self-confessed workaholic might resent taking the requisite time out when there's an option to hire a surrogate or preferably, a magical test tube in which to manufacture the perfect child. It just seems like the sort of thing we expect from Hollywood types.

Despite the rumours, THAT clip shows a dress which clearly folds into pleats as she bends. Plus, if someone with Beyoncé's riches and PR team wanted to fake a pregnancy, you can guarantee they'd have a better method than strapping a folding polystyrene pillow onto her front. (To me, this is a more convincing point than the conclusion she had "a mother's joy you just can't fake.")

Yep. Pretty sure they could do better than this if they were really trying.

Queen Bey isn't the only singer to casually mention “When I wrote this song....” when actually the song has several writers credited. It's just that she seems to get into lawsuits more often than anyone else. As well as a legal wrangle for breaching a contract regarding Des'ree's original song Kissing You, Beyoncé upset Ne-Yo when she introduced Irreplacable with the words "I wrote this for my girls". He explained "I wrote all the lyrics. Beyoncé helped me with the melodies and the harmonies and the vocal arrangement and that makes it a co-write."

In a Marie Claire interview, she was asked if the lyrics "I can have another you in a minute. Matter fact, he’ll be here in a minute", referred to Jay-Z.  She replied  'I’m sure people think I wrote it about (Jay-Z) or something, but… the obvious person is not the person at all." Which cleverly made it sound as if she did write it, without actually saying anything which would make her sue-able. Back in her Destiny's Child days, the group settled out of court when Rickey Allen alleged that they'd ripped off his song Cater 2 U.

Beyoncé's debut solo single Crazy in Love was allegedly written in 2 hours by producer Rich Harrison, who had suggested using the now-famous horns sample from The Chi-Lites Are You My Woman (Tell Me So). In fact, Beyoncé's solo album is full of tracks based on old-skool tunes or samples, with echoes of Shuggie Otis and Donna Summer apparent in Be With You and Naughty Girl, respectively. (Don't even mention the latter to Sean Paul. He's still hurt he didn't get asked to perform with her for MTV.) 

But sampling is the cornerstone of today's top hits. (It's kind of like adapting a book into a movie; you already have a good idea of what the audience reaction will be.) Pitbull's new single Feel This Moment only has A-ha's Take On Me sample and the voice of Christina Aguilera to make it worth listening to. (Why does he even bother showing up?)

 One of these people doesn't need to be here.

The rueful song-writing joke "change a word, get a third" was never more true than when John McLaughlin let Bey use his song Smack Into You. She changed it to Smash Into You and, er, that's it. It's claimed she "re-worked" the song, but the difference is minimal; if you play these videos in synchrony from the first line, they duet rather prettily for most of the track. 

 
There has long been an internet rumour that during a TRL appearance, Beyoncé claimed that she had written Emotions – perhaps in the belief that the young audience wouldn't be familiar with the Bee Gee’s greatest hits. No video footage is available and it sounds too ridiculous to be true, but I wouldn't be completely gobsmacked if it had happened. Beyoncé seems to be confused by the difference between "wrote" and "arranged"– so if she was the one who pointed at Michelle and Kelly and said "OK, you sing this line, and I'll sing that one," it's not inconceivable that she might decide she had "written" the track. 

Her writing credit on Listen from the Dreamgirls soundtrack was ignored by the Academy when the song was nominated for an Oscar. They say the "new rules" mean that there could only be three nominees per song – with those who made the smallest contribution getting bumped first. 

Hip hip producer Soundz told That Grape Juice that selling a song to Beyoncé is akin to entering a payola scheme. "She promotes the record to the highest level. She’s the best in the game at promoting a record and when she does one of your records you’ll get a single, radio, commercials and movies. There are so many different types of money that comes with Beyonce when you do a record for her so it’s kind of like the price of admission – the price to get all the other aspects is that you have to pay a little bit. She’ll want a little publishing and that’s guaranteed; she’s going to ask for it and you’re going to give it to her; no ifs, ands or buts. She’s going to make that record the biggest hit in the world so give her that publishing. She’ll take about 20%." 

So that's "Lose 20% of potential millions when a megastar sings your song" versus  "Make 100% of the nothing you earn playing it yourself in dive bars." It's a no-brainer. 

It's not just song-writing which has earned the superstar her "Stealoncé" moniker; clear parallels have also been made between her videos and previous work. As we know, all music videos copy each other – and Bey has obviously taken to heart the maxim "good artists borrow, great artists steal."

Copying Audrey NEVER counts as plagiarism, otherwise the 
entire fashion industry would be in big trouble.

Her Countdown video appears to have been choreographed directly from the work of Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker, who was not amused; "I didn't know anything about this. I'm not mad, but this is plagiarism." She softened the blow by saying "Beyonce is not the worst copycat, she sings and dances very well, and she has a good taste!" but that "there are protocols and consequences to such actions, and I can't imagine she and her team are not aware of it." 

Beyoncé did respond, pointing out that she had taken inspiration from many sources for the video. (MTV even made a comprehensive list.) While she has laughingly admitted to "stealing" from shows, she's obviously aware of the old saying "If you steal from one (author) it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research." (But Bey honey, you need to mix it up more! Nobody will notice you've copied moves if you don't put them together in exactly the same sequence...)

There is nothing new under the sun, and dance moves are often borrowed from old movies – for instance, Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal video was an obvious homage to Fred Astaire in The Band Wagon (1953) and he continued to find inspiration in Fred's work, as this video shows:

 

 
But Fred and Michael were kindred spirits – both dedicated professionals with respect for each others' work. Fred's sometime choreographer Hermes Pan revealed that Fred was so impressed by Michael's 1983 Motown performance of Billy Jean that he called him up to congratulate him. 

Beyoncé famously borrowed some Bob Fosse choreography for the Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) video (she also weirdly implied that the video is actually one continuous take, which is clearly not the case). While she cheerfully acknowledged the origins of that routine, she tends to pick slightly more obscure artists for her everyday "tributes". 

Her 2011 Billboard Award performance of Run the World (Girls) borrowed heavily from a video from Italian singer Lorella Cuccani. Which in turn was strongly reminiscent of a performance of Black Sun from Japanese artist / dancer duo Kagemu. (Is it me, or are choreographers getting kind of lazy in the age of Youtube?) The video for Get me Bodied is strikingly similar to a scene from Fosse's Sweet Charity.  

Although "Stealoncé" gets the ridicule for copycat dance sequences, we must remember that she has professional choreographers, directors and producers whose job it is to come up with the ideas (not that they're remembered when her vids win awards, but still....)

KC would rather publicly fall out with her record company than 
appear to plagiarise anyone else's work.

Inauguration pals Kelly Clarkson and Beyoncé were inadvertently involved in a plagiarism dispute back in 2009, when Ryan Tedder wrote Halo for Beyoncé and then used the same backing track on a song he wrote with Kelly, Already Gone. When Kelly heard Halo, she was furious: "No one's gonna be sittin' at home, thinkin' 'Man, Ryan Tedder gave Beyoncé and Kelly the same track to write to....' they're just gonna be sayin' I ripped someone off." Amusingly, Ryan claimed  "I would never try to dupe an artist such as Kelly Clarkson or Beyoncé into recording over the same musical track, the idea is both hurtful and absurd." Plenty of Youtube mash-up artists disagree, Tedder!

  
So is working with Beyoncé akin to signing a deal with the devil? Or is she an easy target for people who want to get their names in the paper? There is a certain petulance to the people who have been "ripped off" by Beyoncé...

For instance, wannabe recording artist BC Jean wrote If I Were a Boy and later made a big noisy fuss about not knowing that Bey was planning to release it as a single and not being happy about the situation.  I'm no expert on how these things work, but I'm pretty sure this couldn't happen unless she'd signed something which allowed it to happen. Lesson learned: If you don't want someone else to release your song, don't sell them the rights.....?!

Bootylicious producer Rob Fusari was upset that *his* idea to use a Stevie Nicks guitar riff on the track was later claimed by Beyoncé on a Barbara Walters interview. However, he does comes across as a whiny little git, complaining that Beyonce's manager father Matthew Knowles wouldn't let him re-record the riff in order to get the royalties for himself rather than, er, the original musician.  

However, his moaning does bring up an interesting point. Apparently Mr Knowles told him "People don't want to hear about Rob Fusari, producer from Livingston, N.J. No offence, but that's not what sells records. What sells records is people believing that the artist is everything."

Is this why Bey is so determined to be known as a songwriter? Is being totally gorgeous, a gifted vocalist, a talented actress and all-round Queen of the world not enough for her? Or is is just the lure of all that lovely shiny money? 

One thing's for sure for songwriters and choreographers: If you liked it then you should have put a © on it....

Convincing myself I'm a music critic

I started out my internet ramblings by reviewing stuff at Dooyoo.co.uk (for about 50p a pop) so it's fitting that my latest contributions to the interwebs involve analysing new albums for The Digital Fix. Yay! Check 'em out:

Brooke Sharkey (great name!)

and the very summery looking San Cisco.

Amazingly, even after listening to them over and over again, I still like both of these records... and I love finding new music!

2013: My wishlist

I would like to go back to this now please.

2013 has only just started, but Christmas feels like ages ago and miss it already. I might have to be one of those nutters who has (or at least, they tell the tabloids they have) “Christmas every day” complete with full roast dinner and the Queen’s speech on a loop. Except if I was going to choose one Christmassy day to repeat Groundhog Day-style, I’d probably pick one in the hazy, timeless period between Christmas and New Year. It’s better than pre-Crimbo, when you’re running around like a lunatic making goat’s cheese nibbles and buying one more packet of nuts and running out of sellotape just before you’ve finished wrapping your presents. It’s better than Christmas day itself, which can be a bit anticlimactic. After Christmas you can relax and play with your new toys (er, electronic equipment) and watch Jurassic Park every time it’s on. You can also still watch Santa movies because technically you’re still in the festive season. Life is awesome.

But now we’re well into the new year, what do we want to achieve? Here's my wishlist:

1) I want just one media reference to Christina Hendricks which doesn't use the word “curves.” It doesn’t have to be a whole article or anything – hacks are only human – but I think journalists everywhere should make a collective effort to see if they can just manage a picture caption or something without the “C” word. (But don’t say full-figured, because she hates that.)

Christina Hendricks: She looks nice.
(There, that wasn't so difficult, was it?)

2) Next time we have some sort of Comic Relief telethon in which celebrities do “amusing” things, I would like to see all the TV chefs swap personas. It would make me chortle to see Nigella lisp about “getting these bad boys in the oven – bish, bosh, done!” and Delia licking the spoon seductively as she waxes lyrical about the plump, succulent nature of, say, a pan of rice. TV execs, can we make this happen?

And Jamie can channel my Mum: this means learning basic hygiene, like 
not licking a spoon and putting it back in the bowl. Also occasionally doing
 something radical like removing the seeds from a pepper before serving it.

3) Also re: TV, I think I speak for us all when I say I want the The X Factor to go away now; the format is old and tired. This isn’t the fault of the contestants, but the Producers. We’re all hip to the old “Let’s keep in one talentless fame whore just to make things interesting!” gag now. It’s been faithfully recycled year after year (Jedward, Wagner, Rylan...) and is much less interesting than a simple competition between 12 really talented kids that you genuinely root for, because you wish they could ALL win. The trend in 2012 was to keep voting in the charisma-free Christopher, just for a laugh. It’s kind of like those lions at the zoo who always very deliberately spray at the gawking hordes (yes, I watched a lot of You’re Been Framed over Xmas. I never said I was classy): we may be a captive audience, but we can always find a way to express our contempt.

Telephone voting: cleaner, but probably not as much fun.

4) Much as I am appalled at Derren Brown’s apparent disregard for ethics, I’ve got a blinder for his next project. I was inspired by Christmas TV (of course) and thought how cool (but mean) it would be to create a fake It’s a Wonderful Life / The Family Man scenario. The latter would be easier because you’d only have to sneak your unfortunate, comatose victim into a strange house and wait for him to wake up alongside people who would claim to be his wife and children. (I fear that the It’s a Wonderful Life set up would require too many acting skills (and no giggling) from the guy’s existing family and friends.) After he’d spent a few weeks adjusting to life in the suburbs, away from the glitz of his city job and midnight martini-drinking, you’d be like “Psyche! You have to go back to your whiny girlfriend and joyless existence now!” it would be hilarious.

It would also be funny if you never let on that it was fake, and he spent the rest 
of his life believing that he had supernaturally glimpsed his other potential life.
 I BET somebody somewhere will one day make this a reality TV show.
 

4) We REALLY need a change in the law regarding donor cards. At the moment, there is always a shortage of vital organs, which means that people die unnecessarily (and sometimes even die after being given the lungs of a chronic smoker, because any lungs are better than none.) This is madness. I know some people don’t like the idea of themselves or a loved one being cut up into pieces after death, but to be blunt, your former body is going to be either worm food or ashes soon anyway, so why not save some lives first?

An acquaintance once told me very earnestly that her mother (a nurse) had told her to NEVER carry a donor card, because if you come in after an accident, the doctors won’t try very hard to save you because they’ll be thinking gleefully of all the organs they can harvest – the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few. Apparently this lady had “seen it happen” many times. Sounds crazy, but who knows? The Liverpool Care Pathway seems to have neatly bypassed the Hippocratic Oath. 

It’s obvious that the system should default to everyone's bodies being used for organ donation automatically, with an “opt out” choice available: organ shortage problem solved overnight. Plus, if your heart or eyes go to help another person, and then they also donate when they die, it’s kind of like your cells living forever, in lots of different people. Immortality, sorted.

5) And finally, I want a puppy like this one please. Happy new year!